Pets and infertility

I don't even know how to write this post. I'm sitting here crying already.

But what do I do when I'm emotionally raw? I write. I apologize in advance if you are A) not ready for a sad story or B) you don't like dogs/pets.

Yesterday we found out that our sweet boxer Stu has cancer. Like bad. Like everywhere. This afternoon, we have to put him down. He's five and half and we are devastated.

I can't imagine our home without his presence. Even now, as I write this, he's at my feet. He's present.

He has been a silent, strong comfort to me through so much. This dog literally sat on my lap during months and months of negative pregnancy tests. His loyal companionship forced me outside for walks in the sun during really tough months. As much as Chris, he's endured the roller coaster ride we road to conceiving Gabe.

Since Gabe's birth, he's been attentive and friendly, totally submitting to the little, crazy bundle-now-toddler invading his world. He's been sat on, chewed on, and has had a child steal his toys and dog food (yes, Gabe is weird) and has never shown any aggression. The picture perfect family dog.

I dread today.

Pause.

A few months back I wrote about the prospect of IVF round 2. Since that time, we've had a phone consult with Dr. Sasson to discuss timelines/options. I was literally set to start this month. Normally, if something is on the calendar, it means it is happening. It means we are doing it.

However, a few weeks ago I just felt this need to pause. To wait. To chill. I don't get that feeling often. So why the hesitancy? IVF round two seems so detached from my life, from our family. It seems so distant and I just don't think I have the ambition or drive to reach for it at the moment or even in the next few months.

I wasn't sure if Chris felt the same. When I brought it up to him last week, he was surprisingly relaxed, stating that he too wanted a baby, but to do IVF right now, in the midst of the holidays and in the midst of a sweeter-but-more-stubborn-by-the-day toddler just didn't seem like the best timing.

So, we're pausing, and I've never been more okay with standing still.

Round Two?

Almost two months since my last post! How can this be?! Our days have been busy and jumbled, glorious and exhausting. But such is life in the Knipe house with a curious toddler running the joint.

I may be writing more posts in the coming weeks and months as Chris and I have decided to head back to fertility-ville (AKA Shady Grove) for round two. I don't know if I'm ready for it. I mean, I think I'm ready for another baby in this house, but I don't think I'm ready to face the potential disappointment and emotional stress of IVF and failed fertility cycles, again.

Last week, I called Shady Grove to schedule an appointment to talk about options and a timeline. Even while I heard myself calling and making the appointment, I couldn't believe we were doing this again. I'm not excited. I am kind of numb about it, which is a strange thing to feel about trying to add to our family.

For those of you whom have yet to conceive, whom are in the midst of your struggle, I know you are reading this with disdain thinking, Oh yeah. Must be SO hard to go back and try to have ANOTHER baby.

I know. I hated people who were writing about secondary infertility because it made me jealous because they ALREADY HAD ONE. Gosh. Be grateful already.

But then Gabe happened. I became a mom and I realized even more how precious and wonderful and draining and mesmerizing motherhood and parenthood can be; I want more of it. If that makes me selfish, then yes, I am. I am selfish. I want more. And I hope that you will one day find yourself in this exact place, secretly apologizing to first-time mothers in waiting.

Round two already seems to have so many obstacles before it. Finances, needed babysitters for Gabe, the schedule juggling at work... I'm just not looking forward to it. During round one, I really only needed to focus on me. Myself. Now, I have to worry about Gabe, trying to ensure that he is taken care of while I'm in stirrups or shooting myself up with hormones. Is it fair to him to have me not-so-present in his life for a few months? Conversely, doesn't he deserve a sibling to pal around with? Maybe deserve is a poor word choice. I don't know.

I am just not feeling it right now. I don't know if I can face this again.

 This post has sounded like a pity party from the lady who has a baby already. I know that. But you have to let me vent here, or else I'll just keep it bottled up and that's bad news all around.

Almost ONE

I swore that I would never create a post that reads more like a Hallmark card than a blog post. Unfortunately, today, I don't think I get get around it:

This Saturday is Gabe's first birthday. This time last year, I was impatiently awaiting the arrival of a baby, OUR baby. So much has changed in one year! On one hand, it feels like Gabe has always been with us, so to say he's only been here for a year, seems strange. On the other hand, there are still days when I enter his nursery and can't believe he's in it.

This past year has been incredible, euphoric, exhausting, exhilarating... It's been so many things. I can't even really put it, the past 365 days, into words. All I know is that my eyes well up each time I remember the day Gabe was born, the day when I became a mom and the day that Chris and I entered parenthood.

I have soaked up every minute of Gabe this past year. I know I've actually been selfish at times and I'm not sorry; I can't describe how much I love him, need him, need to see, hear, and touch him. I have soaked up Year One and intend to continue to love him up in Year Two.

I guess this motherhood thing really is all it's cracked up to be. And more.

Sweet Gabriel David-- you will never know how much we love you and are thrilled beyond words to call you our son. I relish being able to see more and more of your personality and spirit shine through in Year Two!

Leaving

This week, I have to travel for work. I am not looking forward to it. I've literally woken up in the night in a panic just thinking about it.

I do have a great job that allows me to work from home almost year-round. Working-from-home the majority of the year does have its perks; I get to be home with Gabe and work at the same time. While that is also an obstacle a times (see Hybrid Mom post), I am certainly really fortunate to be able to work as an educational administrator from my own house.

The downside is that I do have to travel now and then. This week, I have to leave Gabe for three nights and four days. Who's counting, you ask? Me, that's who. I know the days will fly by, but the thought of not seeing my sweet boy for half a week makes me so sad and anxious.

For the past year + nine months, I've basically been with him around the clock. There is this unexplainable bond that exists between us--- I just am not ready to not be with him for multiple days at a time. I know in 18 years, he'll head to college and I'll have to be more ready to be separated from him. Who knows? Perhaps then I'll be shoving him out of the door.

But for now, I dread flying out of state and leaving him. Tonight, I put Gabe to bed and rocked him longer than normal. I'm not going to lie--- I also bawled my eyes out.

 I know he'll be fine. He will.

I wish someone would invent a Gabe-IV drip, so I could keep some of his chub, sweet smiles, and baby smell running through my veins from afar.

Everything You Do

My days as Gabe's Mom are spent cuddling, cleaning up messes, pureeing baby food, changing diapers, doing laundry, dancing to Sesame Street, saving Gabe from himself, lint-rolling dog hair, filling bottles, emptying bottles, laughing.... It's a redundant mix of the same thing on repeat, interspersed with moments when I honestly think my heart could burst from pure joy one moment and then collapse from pure exhaustion the next.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a hamster on a wheel. I'm pretty much content, but I'm just spinning around and around, day by day, doing essentially the same thing, but not really seeing sizable results of my efforts.

You might not understand this, but I love to listen to music. Around the house, when I run, when I drive in the car... I love singing along to the radio or to Pandora. Sometimes, I pretend in my own mind that I am in a real-life musical, that my life is a musical, where total ordinary moments turn into a song and dance fest. It's the six-year-old silly girl in me.

This morning, I guess I was feeling particularly lame, not particularly animated. There I was, sitting in my PJs (with Gabe snot-marks on each shoulder), hair a mess, attempting to get some work done yet trying to watch Gabe at the same time.

Type a paragraph or two... wait.. change a diaper... type another paragraph... wait Stuart don't lick the baby... type type type... Gabe don't pull the lamp over... 

Not glamourous. Not very stay-at-home-momish, not very working-momish either. I stopped and thought... Wow.  I do feel like a hamster. I realized I was doing the same thing that I did yesterday morning, and the morning before that.

Then, (like something out of a movie... or more likely, straight from the Lord) this song came on. The first few lines really caught my attention:

You're picking up toys on the living room floor for the fifteenth time today
Matching up socks
Sweeping up lost cheerios that got away

You put a baby on your hip
Color on your lips and head out the door

While I may not know you, 
I bet I know you
Wonder sometimes, does it matter at all?

And then the chorus:

Well let me remind you, it all matters just as long
(CHORUS)
As you do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you, 
Cause he made you, 
To do
Every little thing that you do 
To bring a smile to His face
Tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every little thing you do

My seemingly NON-GLORIOUS life as quasi-working woman yet full-time Gabe-momma can be GLORIFYING to the Lord. Even in the little things. Everything we do can be glorifying to Him when we do it in His name.

I picked up Gabe, danced around until the rest of the song ended, and then went back to my hamster wheel. Happy, content. To glorify my God in the little things I do.

Be encouraged today, friend...You don't have to pretend your life is a musical, though I do encourage you to try it now and then. If anything, take a listen and be encouraged too!

Bucky Beaver

Wondering where this post is going? :)

Well, it appears that Gabe's new front teeth are serving a purpose beyond his time in the highchair. He clearly chews on anything, and I mean anything. A few days ago, Chris entered the nursery only to meet Gabe, standing tall, chewing on his crib. White paint chips were splattered across his face. He legitimately took notches out of the crib.... I don't know if Gabe is trying to tell us he needs more fiber, or perhaps we should start letting him chew on Stuart's dog toys?

To reduce the beaver tooth action, I folded some towels and taped them around the crib rails. It looked awful and it was only a few days until Gabe had figured out how to pull/distort the towels, which made the crib, believe it or not, look even worse.

Yesterday, I broke down and bought crib rail teething-pad-thingys, as pictured below. They tie and fit all different types of cribs. They are machine washable and don't look too shabby either.

The little stinker, smiling for the camera.

It's only been 24 hours, but they are holding up well! Gabe's once angelic nursery is now switching into survival mode---- Can the nursery survive this kid?!