On Friday, after many hours of waiting, Dr. Sasson's office called to tell me my HCG number was 1447--- Which means there is a baby in there!
I went back to the lab yesterday to do a repeat of the blood work. We were hoping for the 1447 number to at least double. Today, I found out my HCG number was at 4400. Good stuff! A baby is in there and it's growing!
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Friday, February 12, 2016
More waiting. Why not?!
(9:52 AM) I went to the lab at 7 AM this morning to have my blood drawn. The lab tech told me they would "try" to get the results sent to Shady Grove by the end of the day today.
Shockingly, I have not taken a HPT in two days. My compulsive pee-on-a-stick nature subsided for two whole days. Now though, I am eagerly/anxiously awaiting the REAL DEAL results from the lab. Please be real. Please be still in there, baby Knipe!
So, yeah. More waiting today.
Shockingly, I have not taken a HPT in two days. My compulsive pee-on-a-stick nature subsided for two whole days. Now though, I am eagerly/anxiously awaiting the REAL DEAL results from the lab. Please be real. Please be still in there, baby Knipe!
So, yeah. More waiting today.
Tuesday, February 9, 2016
10 Days Post Transfer
I can't lie. I can't hide it. I peed on a stick. Like, many sticks. And they all indicate that there IS a baby in there! Of course I want to shout this truth to everyone and anyone, yet we need to wait until Friday's blood work confirms it. Even after Friday, we will be waiting many weeks before making this news public.
And yet, I'm broadcasting it here. Why? To offer hope to you who are still journeying. To speak of the goodness of God.
And because I just can't contain this news. You would think that five positive home pregnancy tests would accelerate my belief that there IS a baby in there. I just can't believe it!
And yet, I'm broadcasting it here. Why? To offer hope to you who are still journeying. To speak of the goodness of God.
And because I just can't contain this news. You would think that five positive home pregnancy tests would accelerate my belief that there IS a baby in there. I just can't believe it!
Monday, February 1, 2016
2 Days Post Transfer
Our transfer was Saturday morning. It went smoothly; we were the only transfer patients at the office that morning and it was nice to feel some undivided attention from Dr. Sasson before our transfer. Dr. Sasson was really "in the zone" and reviewed his notes about the transfer with the staff before we started. The whole process felt less rushed than the other transfers I've experienced.
We watched on the monitor as the embryo was placed in my uterus. It is such a surreal experience. One second there is no life in there and the next, there is this spot, this tiny mass of living cells that could grow into a Knipe.
My bloodwork for the pregnancy test is not until 2/12. That's 11 days from now.
In some ways, I want these days to FLY by. In other ways, I want to stay in this period of unknown because it's safer than a negative result. The unknown is better than a negative known. The logic there is not super strong, but hey, it's how I see it right now.
Last week, two of my good friends told me that they were expecting. I am happy for both ladies because each couple will truly be fantastic parents. Still, jealousy creeps up, like a punch in the stomach.
What if this doesn't work? What then?
Evey time I raise that question, I can practically hear God calling me back.
"Rachel! I'm here! I'm here. I know you don't get it but I do. Trust me."
Chris and I prayed last night and he said, "God please give us peace. Help us to trust you." That's really all we can pray right now.
We watched on the monitor as the embryo was placed in my uterus. It is such a surreal experience. One second there is no life in there and the next, there is this spot, this tiny mass of living cells that could grow into a Knipe.
My bloodwork for the pregnancy test is not until 2/12. That's 11 days from now.
In some ways, I want these days to FLY by. In other ways, I want to stay in this period of unknown because it's safer than a negative result. The unknown is better than a negative known. The logic there is not super strong, but hey, it's how I see it right now.
Last week, two of my good friends told me that they were expecting. I am happy for both ladies because each couple will truly be fantastic parents. Still, jealousy creeps up, like a punch in the stomach.
What if this doesn't work? What then?
Evey time I raise that question, I can practically hear God calling me back.
"Rachel! I'm here! I'm here. I know you don't get it but I do. Trust me."
Chris and I prayed last night and he said, "God please give us peace. Help us to trust you." That's really all we can pray right now.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Nerves
Debbie just called with our transfer time for Saturday: 10 AM.
A wave of nerves just smacked against me. Good nerves, like the kind you feel before you step on stage, or the kind you get right before you hear the starting gun explode before a race.
Nerves nonetheless.
Every time the hope of pregnancy creeps up inside me, I try to squash it down so I don't set myself up for even more pain. Truth is though, that disappointment is disappointment, whether now or later.
Please God. Please let this be the time it works.
Even as I type those words, I fear, I pray, I hope.
A wave of nerves just smacked against me. Good nerves, like the kind you feel before you step on stage, or the kind you get right before you hear the starting gun explode before a race.
Nerves nonetheless.
Every time the hope of pregnancy creeps up inside me, I try to squash it down so I don't set myself up for even more pain. Truth is though, that disappointment is disappointment, whether now or later.
Please God. Please let this be the time it works.
Even as I type those words, I fear, I pray, I hope.
Monday, January 25, 2016
Feelings...Leading up to FET # 3
I have no clue how it happened, but we've somehow arrived at the end of January. I've just returned from a whirlwind work trip to Memphis; I successfully navigated the Blizzard of 2016 in the NorthEast and made it back safely to Williamsport late last night. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out!
Preparing for and traveling to/from the work trip was a great diversion from this current FET cycle. I did have to bring some meds with me on the trip (my shots passed through security but I did have a doctor's note just in case).
And now I'm here, the Monday before the Saturday when we transfer a little Knipe embryo. In in five days we will be catapulted back into the dreaded two-week-wait.
I do it every cycle: I somehow manage to detach from the process for the most part. I am able to chug through my busy/sweet/exhausting/exhilarating/mundane days with Chris and Gabe until... SMACK. The realization occurs that soon, a six-day-old life will placed in my uterus. I can't detach from that.
And that means I have to feel. Feeling is scary. Feeling underscores that I am a human, someone who can be elated or crushed. Happy or sad. Brave or scared. Feeling is scary.
But some feelings can be good.
I feel at peace with the decision we made that this FET will be our last for a few years. We had to draw a line somewhere. God helped us see this line. This is where we part ways from fertility-land either way, if we're pregnant or if we're not.
I feel united with Chris. We are a team. Whatever happens, we will be together in it and come out together too.
I feel the desire to cling to what I know to be true about who God is and what His promises are for me.
I feel many emotions today... And in fifteen minutes, I might feel something completely different. For now, I am hopeful yet guarded, if that combination can be understood.
I know God gets me. He understands right where I am. He's with me. I feel it.
Preparing for and traveling to/from the work trip was a great diversion from this current FET cycle. I did have to bring some meds with me on the trip (my shots passed through security but I did have a doctor's note just in case).
And now I'm here, the Monday before the Saturday when we transfer a little Knipe embryo. In in five days we will be catapulted back into the dreaded two-week-wait.
I do it every cycle: I somehow manage to detach from the process for the most part. I am able to chug through my busy/sweet/exhausting/exhilarating/mundane days with Chris and Gabe until... SMACK. The realization occurs that soon, a six-day-old life will placed in my uterus. I can't detach from that.
And that means I have to feel. Feeling is scary. Feeling underscores that I am a human, someone who can be elated or crushed. Happy or sad. Brave or scared. Feeling is scary.
But some feelings can be good.
I feel at peace with the decision we made that this FET will be our last for a few years. We had to draw a line somewhere. God helped us see this line. This is where we part ways from fertility-land either way, if we're pregnant or if we're not.
I feel united with Chris. We are a team. Whatever happens, we will be together in it and come out together too.
I feel the desire to cling to what I know to be true about who God is and what His promises are for me.
I feel many emotions today... And in fifteen minutes, I might feel something completely different. For now, I am hopeful yet guarded, if that combination can be understood.
I know God gets me. He understands right where I am. He's with me. I feel it.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Not only ONE WAY
I have a Day 3 baseline ultrasound and bloodwork appointment in Harrisburg tomorrow.... I have to admit that a month away from the fertility circus was so wonderful. I actually went DAYS without thinking about my uterus. Really. I did. And it was glorious.
To recap, we have two frozen embryos remaining from our October IVF cycle. We have done one frozen embryo transfer (in Nov) and that did not work. We plan to do another frozen embryo transfer this month (Jan 28th). If that doesn't work, we are pulling away from fertility land and heading to adoption.
Yes, we will still have one frozen embryo remaining. That little potential life will be something we pursue a few years from now, after we adopt (if that's what God's planning for us?!). Chris came up with this "plan" of sorts, and I feel peaceful about it.
Will it be difficult if this January embryo doesn't want to stick around with us? YES. Will we move forward as a family? YES.
I was reminded of something my therapist said to me a few months back. We (as humans) usually have ONE WAY in mind for how we want something to go. We have ONE WAY that we think will work. We have ONE WAY we'd prefer.
Sometimes though, God teaches us, shows us, that THERE CAN BE MORE THAN ONE WAY.
Those words are heavy and hard to take in all at once, especially for control freaks like me who think they know it all. Slowly though, I am beginning to accept this idea; God's way is the best way and He loves me enough to plan the BEST way for me, even when it doesn't match up with my version of MY best way.
To recap, we have two frozen embryos remaining from our October IVF cycle. We have done one frozen embryo transfer (in Nov) and that did not work. We plan to do another frozen embryo transfer this month (Jan 28th). If that doesn't work, we are pulling away from fertility land and heading to adoption.
Yes, we will still have one frozen embryo remaining. That little potential life will be something we pursue a few years from now, after we adopt (if that's what God's planning for us?!). Chris came up with this "plan" of sorts, and I feel peaceful about it.
Will it be difficult if this January embryo doesn't want to stick around with us? YES. Will we move forward as a family? YES.
I was reminded of something my therapist said to me a few months back. We (as humans) usually have ONE WAY in mind for how we want something to go. We have ONE WAY that we think will work. We have ONE WAY we'd prefer.
Sometimes though, God teaches us, shows us, that THERE CAN BE MORE THAN ONE WAY.
Those words are heavy and hard to take in all at once, especially for control freaks like me who think they know it all. Slowly though, I am beginning to accept this idea; God's way is the best way and He loves me enough to plan the BEST way for me, even when it doesn't match up with my version of MY best way.
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