Expectant Mother Parking

My HCG numbers (the pregnancy hormone) are continuing to steadily rise. I am definitely still pregnant! 

I talked with Dr. Sasson on Wednesday and Chris and I are going to head down for an ultrasound next Friday, December 7th to check up on our baby or babies... 

I had few people email me asking me questions about how I feel physically this week. I don't feel any different other than the fact that I've had slight cramping a few times per day (Dr. Sasson says it is my uterus stretching as the uterus grows at a faster rate than the baby) and some spotting (sorry if that is too much info, but I told you I'd keep it real. If spotting happens to you try not to worry too much. Dr. Sasson said that as long as it is just spotting and not heavy bleeding, all is well. The spotting comes from blood vessels popping as the uterus stretches). 

Other than that, I feel totally normal. Well actually above-and-beyond normal as I still smile at the thought of being pregnant! Sorry if this is overkill, but have I said lately that I am in heaven?

Also, tonight Chris and I went to Wegman's and I made him park in the Expectant Mother parking spot. I have been staring at that spot with disgust for the past three years. I don't think I'll be parking there every time I visit Wegman's (well, maybe I might) but tonight it just felt like I had won the battle, sitting in the spot that has haunted me for so long. I know it's just a parking spot, but for me, it is more like a box that we can finally check off in our journey to actually having a family. So take that, stupid parking spot!

Heaven!

Yesterday began at 6:00 AM when Chris and I sprinted into the Divine Providence Hospital lab for my blood work. Dr. Sasson did request that my blood work results be sent to him STAT, but I didn't exactly know what STAT meant in the Williamsport blood work world. STAT could mean immediately, or in a few hours, or sometime that day. Needless to say, I came home from the lab and tried to busy myself with work, waiting for a phone call from Shady Grove. 

At around 10:45, the phone rang. I could tell by the caller ID that it was Shady Grove. I took a deep breath, and answered the call. 

I immediately heard Dr. Sasson's voice.

"Rachel? Hi, it's Dr. Sasson."

 "Hi." (At this point, I was on the verge of crying, sweating, and vomiting simultaneously)

"I am standing here with Morgan and Stephanie and Jamie and we all want to tell you congratulations because you are pregnant! You did it!"

"What? Oh my gosh. No way!" (Insert blubbering crying, hysterical screaming, crying some more, and a few "I can't-believe-its" and "Praise Gods" and I think you can get the picture of my response). 

"I will wait a few minutes for you to catch your breath. Let me know when you are ready."

"Ok, I'm ready."

"Your levels look great and you are definitely five weeks pregnant. I want you to do repeat blood work on Wednesday and Friday, just make sure your levels continue to rise. I will see you for an ultrasound in a few weeks to make sure that everything is going smoothly, and then you will be formally discharged from Shady Grove to your own doctor in Williamsport."

This is the best I can do to recount the conversation. I just remember sitting at my desk being in complete shock that it really was happening, that finally, we had confirmation of a tiny life or lives that would be added to our family.

After I hung up the phone, I quickly changed and ran out of the door. I wanted to tell Chris immediately but I didn't want to do it over the phone. The whole way to his office, I was crying and smiling, in a state of pure joy. I am surprised I was able to navigate and make it there in one piece!

I texted Chris and asked him to come out to the parking lot. I saw him push open the door of the Children's Development Center. He wore a look of concern, but as soon as he saw me smiling, he started running to the car. He jumped in the passenger seat and grabbed me. 

"I'm pregnant. It worked. Oh my gosh, I'm pregnant!" 

We bawled our faces off for about fifteen minutes, sitting in the parking lot. He asked me to recount, word for word, what Dr. Sasson told me. I did my best. 

After about twenty minutes of in-the-Subaru celebration, Chris thought he should probably go back in to work since no one knew why he had flown out the door earlier. I will never forget seeing him practically skip back into work. 

While we are absolutely thrilled beyond words, we do realize that we can't tell the world right away. Heck, if it were up to me, I'd be telling anyone, whether I knew him or not!

We did tell our parents last night, however. My parents have really been on this journey with me and have been supporting us spiritually and emotionally for over three years. 

Upon telling my parents, my dad stood up slowly and walked toward me. He hugged me for a few minutes, tears streaming down his face, saying, "Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus."

My mom jumped up and down and hugged Chris and then me and then both of us.

Next, we drove to Chris's parent's house. While his parents were aware that we were facing some fertility issues, they did not know the extreme to which we struggled. 

Chris told his parents and his mom and dad just sat still for a moment in disbelief and then they jumped up and started hugging us. I think his dad was at a loss for words, and so all that came out was, "We're so proud of you guys," which immediately made me laugh because it sounded so funny! Proud of us for what? We should all be proud of Dr. Sasson and proud to be children of a miraculous God! 

I made them all swear to secrecy that they would not tell anyone else until we decided it would be a safer time to tell the masses. That goes for you too, cyber world! We are really pushing to wait to tell everyone until January. Here's to hoping we can hold out that long! 

All in all, it was such an emotional, memorable day for us. I climbed into bed last night, emotionally exhausted, yet indescribably content. I woke up several times throughout the night to Chris, grabbing my hand and whispering, "Just in case you forgot, we're pregnant."

Heaven. Pure heaven.

November 26th

Wow! Even though each day lately has felt 100 hours long, we've miraculously made it to November 26th, the day when we can hear officially if the first round of IVF was successful. Over the past week, I have been doing everything I can to stay busy, including some odd tasks:

Leaf blowing the yard, vacuuming (three times last week), cooking Thanksgiving dinner for Chris's family, putting up two Christmas trees and a Christmas village complete with two train sets, re-caulking the bathtubs, practicing the piano, putting up my parents' outside Christmas lights, hosting a group from our church for fellowship and brunch, folding laundry, lint rolling the furniture, and organizing the hall closet.

Yep. I am totally sane.

At 6:00 AM this morning, Chris and I strolled into Divine Providence Hospital's outpatient lab so I could get my blood work completed.

And now, it's 9:08 AM,  and we are waiting to get a phone call from Dr. Sasson. That's all I've got for now.

Patience is a virtue...

...that I have yet to conquer!

Remember my earlier post about being patient? I just want you to know that I haven't mastered it yet.

I called Shady Grove yesterday to schedule my pregnancy bloodwork appointment for next Monday (approximately six days and twelve hours from now, but who's counting?). Chris and I clearly would do anything to find out if we are pregnant or not, but the thought of driving six hours roundtrip down to Philly for a needle stick seemed a bit annoying. I asked if I could get the blood test done in Williamsport somehow. A few phone calls later and it's a go!

Dr. Sasson sent me an order for bloodwork via email and he marked that the results had to be sent to him STAT--- as in, the same day. He will call us as soon as he gets the results on Monday. I checked the hours at our local hospital lab, and it opens at 6 AM on Monday. I'm not saying I'll be there at 6 AM... but I might be.

Even now, as I type, I am giddy and delirious with nervous energy.... and yet, it's only Tuesday.

In the fullness of time...

This waiting game thing is for the birds! And as I write that phrase I wonder, where did that expression even came from?! A quick Google search and: 

In the days before automobiles, the streets were filled with horse-drawn carriages, and these animals quite naturally left behind deposits from their digestive systems. These emissions contained half-digested oats that attracted swarms of birds, which took nourishment from the deposits. The people of the time coined the expression “for the birds” as meaning anything of the same value as these horse-droppings.

We say that something that is worthless is “for the birds”.

While I think that waiting stinks (not literally as in horse-droppings), I know there must be some value to waiting. We see many examples of people in the Bible waiting on God---waiting for a miracle, or waiting for direction, or waiting for a promise to be fulfilled . My two weeks is nothing in comparison to Abraham and Sarah's waiting 100 plus years for a baby. Even though I might feel like I am wandering through a 40-year dessert, I'm not. 

What value comes from waiting? With regard to my current situation, I am not exactly being patient. I want November 26th to be yesterday. Regardless, God is working to increase my patience. And maybe, I will need to reference this time later, when I am exhausted, running around cleaning up twin messes! (I can only hope!) Or, when a sibling is predictably unconcerned with helping clean up after  the family Thanksgiving feast, or when a visitor wants to talk with me after church and my stomach is growling for lunch. We can all think of instances where more patience could be so valued.

I don't think we ever master the art of waiting. However, I do think God gives us the tools to handle the wait. He offers unimaginable strength and fortitude to help us when we feel like time or answers evade us.

James 1:4

But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing 

Psalm 40:1 
I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry

 Isaiah 40:31 

But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint

Romans 8:24-25 

For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience

Romans 12:12 

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 

Romans 15:4-5 

For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope. Now may the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus.

Galatians 5:22-23 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law
.

Unfailing Love

This morning I write with both a sad and hopeful heart. Mentally, I go from one end of the spectrum to the other, and here's why: 

Yesterday, Shady Grove called to tell us that none of the remaining embryos made it to the point where they could be frozen and stored for future use. We left Shady Grove on Tuesday knowing we had three in the running, hopeful that at least one would make it. 

I probably seem like a weirdo, but those embryos were precious to us already, literally tiny pieces of us. While I am overjoyed that two of the embryos were transferred Tuesday, I'm saddened at the thought that the remaining three didn't make it. 

I've caught myself smiling at the thought of two baby Knipes, potentially our future family, growing inside of me. And then, only a moment, later, I am saddened as I remember that they are all we have left at this point.

If I do not get pregnant this month, we will have to start from scratch next month, shots and all. This is something that I am willing to do, but it is something that I do not want to do. I am praying that I will be able to get myself mentally in the "best place" during this two week wait: Should I be 100% optimistic, believing that I am pregnant with twins? If I'm not pregnant, I'm going to be devastated. Should I be cautious, already outlining Plan B should this not work? I don't know if that' a healthy outlook either. The reality is, I will be heartbroken if I do not get pregnant, but God has not forsaken me this far. He's not going to leave me in the middle of a trial.

On Sunday, our sermon outlined a Biblical approach to handing the unknown. The speaker said, "God has never given me the ability to see what is coming down the pike. I never know what is headed my way next. But, I always know who is going to be there. God has always been at every event, good or bad, in my life. Focus on who is going to show up for you, not what is going happen."

God has so graciously and amazingly paved the way for us to be where we are right now. As I think back over the past few years and the struggles we have encountered, He has shown His power and been so gracious to us. He has shown up in the very minute we needed him (Hello! Read Tuesday's transfer day blog!). 

I know I get too much into my own head. I over think. I question. God knows that. He knows me. And I am so loved by Him that He would never abandon me. That, friends, is how to walk through uncertainty---- look at what you know to be true and unfailing---- His love for us.

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Peace and Hope

Chris and I went to bed last night having not fully resolved the one or two embryo transfer decision. We decided that we would pray more and hope that clarity would find its way into our hearts and minds prior to the 11:30 AM transfer.

I kept waking up throughout the night, opening my eyes fervently asking God: What should we do? God, please give us a nudge one way or another!

Anyone who knows Chris and me knows that we are pro/con people, chart makers, spreadsheet specialist... nerds who make most major decisions logically (Chris) and decisively (Rachel). For the three hour ride to the doctor's office, we talked in circles, paused to pray, talked some more... We weren't frantic, but we just didn't feel peace about which decision to make. 

Added to the decision tango was the fact that I had to arrive at the clinic with a moderately full bladder--not so full that I would be doing the potty dance in the parking lot of the clinic, but full enough to feel it. Attempting to find this urinary balance was a feat. I've never really paid attention to my water intake and subsequent bathroom usage before so I didn't know how to reach the right balance. Two bathroom breaks later (I think I was too overzealous with the water drinking in the first part of the trip), I started fresh with a new bottle of water around Allentown. I sipped it periodically and we arrived in the parking lot of the clinic, full bladder and all. 

Before heading in, Chris grabbed my hand and we prayed a final time. We prayed that God would give us peace and clarity. A hug and a kiss and we were on our way.

We were called back quickly and asked to change-- me into a gown, and Chris into this "awesome" outfit!

Yep, he is one cool guy.

We sat down with the embryologist, Maria and Dr. Munabi. The embryologist updated us on how our embryos were doing: two were "absolutely perfect" and three were still underdeveloped. The three underdeveloped embryos were still in the game, but were not ready for a transfer today. The two "absolutely perfect" embryos were ready, if we wanted to choose two. 

We talked to Dr. Munabi about the risks, benefits etc.---- all information we had already known coming in to the conversation. We asked medical professional their opinions. Each said they would lean toward two embryos because of their superior grades. It is not often that two embryos are ready and have the same grade at the same time. 

Well, we asked for a sign. And we got one. Two medical professionals, encouraging the transfer of two embryos. 

Dr. Sasson, our primary doctor at Shady Grove, was away today. I wondered, what would he think? He had been encouraging us to only do one... (see note at the end of the post).

Chris and I talked for a minute more and then both firmly decided that we wanted two. 

We headed back to the operating room and things went smoothly from there. Dr. Munabi made me feel so relaxed and told me what he was doing before he did it. What was super cool was that we got to watch the transfer (the embryos coming out of the catheter into my uterus) on a screen. We were able to see everything. It was the best show I've ever seen! 

After the transfer was over, I rested for a while, and Chris and I chatted with the embryologist. She was so sweet; she brought us a photo of the two embryos that she had taken with the microscope, right before the transfer: 

Unbelievable! Embryo 1 and 2.  

We drove home, pretty much on cloud nine, thankful that we felt at peace about our decision and hopeful for what is to come!  

Note: Dr. Sasson called this afternoon to check on us. He said had he been at the office this morning to see the two best embryos, he would have encouraged the transfer of two also. 

You might be wondering about the three remaining embryos: We will get a call tomorrow from Maria letting us know if any of them made it to the final stage, the stage where it is safe to freeze them for future use. We could have three remaining, two, one or none. I will post tomorrow with that update.