Sweet, sweet time

Baby powder, fresh coffee, and a cinnamon and spice candle create an aroma that just might be my happy smell. It's the smell of my mornings this week. I'm finding my favorite time of day is in the morning, after Gabe's first feeding, when he's smiling and warm, and still in his pjs; if society were able to hold a baby in soft pjs each morning and feel the squishy sweetness of chubby baby cheeks, they just might be a lot happier. I know I am.

Even Stu Dog agrees: Gabe smells good in the morning.

This time last year...

I walked down our street yesterday seeing the stunning colors of autumn.... I started thinking back to last fall, when Chris and I made our first trip to Shady Grove Fertility Center. It was last September when we had our initial consult and last October when we started preparing for IVF.

I remember hiking with Chris last October; we trekked up the mountain weighing our fertility options, feeling both terrified and hopeful, a strange combination of emotions that we had not felt to that extreme before.

This past year has been the most intense of my life and of our marriage, but extreme in both good and bad ways.

What a difference a year makes---- that's so cliche but has never been more true for us.

Recently I've started to help other women struggling with infertility by answering their questions; Shady Grove's present or perspective patients ask their fertility questions, and I am part of a panel who can respond. Clearly I'm not giving medical advice, but emotional advice from someone who can understand (at least in some ways) how these women are feeling.

I was answering a patient's question this morning and was jolted back to the dreaded two-week-waiting period after our first embryo transfer. Re-reading my entries from those weeks was actually physically painful! I didn't have an answer for this patient or a quick list of tips and tricks to help her get through the waiting period before she can find out if her IVF was successful, but I did try to convey that she wasn't alone in her inability to be patient!

Even now, I struggle with patience. I think: Oh, I can't wait until Gabe can sleep through the night! Oh, I can't wait for X, Y, or Z to happen.

The truth is, I still need to ask God to help me even more thankfully experience each day in the present. The grass isn't always greener a few months down the road. I need to focus on the precious, small wonders Gabe has brought into my life each day. It's good to look to the future, but also good to experience the present.

No joke: He just pooped up his back. Gotta run! Thankful I have a baby whose diaper needs changed:)

Nap Boycotts

I'm discovering that the biggest myth surrounding newborns is that they sleep all the time. False. This is not true. Gabe does not sleep all the time. In fact, I think he is boycotting sleep.

Okay. That is all.

Re-Connecting

Chris and I have been playing tag-team caregiver for Gabe for the past 8 weeks... and LOVING it! Yes, there have been some stressful, trying times (especially when sleep deprivation has crept into the picture). However, we've really been trying to soak up this time with him.

That being said, I started noticing that I missed Chris. Yes, I saw him each night when he came home from work, and I saw him on the weekends. We were spending time together, with Gabe, as often as we were able. However, I found myself missing time just with Chris. Just the two of us.

Friday night we decided to have a date; not one where we actually left the house, but one where we shut off the TV, silenced our phones and just spend the night talking and just being with each other. Gabe fell asleep around 9. We then had a late dinner and just spent time on the deck, talking, connecting, sans the baby.

Of course our family of three is super important; time is so cherished that we spend, the three of us, together. However, I really do believe that families must be held together by the glue of two parents, connected with each other. 

I am so savoring every minute with Gabe, and the time Gabe and I get to spend with Chris too. However, the highest priority to us, even over Gabe, is our marriage...That might sound harsh, especially considering Chris and I spent so long trying to finally have him! However, our family unit depends on a close relationship and bond between the us, the parents.

Even though our Friday night "date" wasn't extravagant, it was so needed. Stepping away from babyland was a needed retreat for us. We greeted Saturday morning refreshed and reconnected. 

Good Baby/Bad Baby

"So... Is he a good baby?"

I get this question often. What do people expect me to say? 

Good is such a relative term. Bad is too. 

Gabe is many things: He's great. He's challenging. He's unpredictable. He's sweet. 

.... not sure how to answer the original question. All I know is that he's ours.

They call them "Mommy Wars"...

Even before I had a baby, people were so inquisitive about what my life was like working from home. To be honest, before I started to work remotely, I too didn't quite see the reality of what working comprised.

Are you picturing pajamas and coffee, TV remote in hand? I did too. Before.

I work for The Network of International Christian Schools, specifically NorthStar Academy. I teach several courses to middle and high school students in the content areas of Social Studies and English. Writing courses, grading papers/assessments, and communicating with students via email and Skype comprises about 50% of my job.

The other 50% is spent on administrative tasks; I wear multiple hats in this category, so even writing down specific work tasks would take some time.

The bottom line is that I DO work. I DO have a job to do. I just do it at HOME. 

(FYI: I do get to work in sweats and PJs, however, from the top up, I must look presentable; I never know when I will have to Skype with my bosses, parents, students etc.)

Sometimes I LOVE the fact that my workplace is my couch, or my office upstairs, or my family room floor. It is great to be able to touch base with students, parents, and co-workers anywhere, anytime. Further, the invention of the smart phone has meant that I can literally work in a bathroom stall at Target, if I needed to (not saying this has happened...).

That same blessing (working anytime, anywhere) is also the greatest curse. I find it really hard to SHUT OFF work. I don't leave a physical building and return the next day. I feel a constant pressure to keep up with emails; I know they will just keep accumulating if I don't get to them as they come in! I don't want to make fellow teachers, parents, or students wait for my replies. Further, I have to figure out issues of time zones--- I speak to parents/students and interview teachers from all over the globe! It IS really cool, but also can be stressful trying to fit in and figure out how to connect to those who need my time.

Oh yeah... and I JUST HAD A BABY.

Throw Gabe into the above mix, and working from home becomes a full fledged circus!

Diaper changes, breastfeeding, and all things baby care are scattered throughout the day. Last week I went from feeding Gabe to interviewing a teacher candidate in Belgium (all the while PRAYING that Gabe would stay asleep through the conclusion of the interview). Grading student essays, speaking on the phone with a parents, and conference calls are daily occurances too.  Such calls are hard to schedule right now because the baby is on his own schedule; so far, I have had three meetings scheduled and have had to secretly breastfeed him and pray his burps and slurps were not audible to the people with whom I spoke...  Yes! Working from home is a breeze!

HOWEVER, I am totally blessed to have the job I have; I do love it! I am so lucky to be able to stay home and be with Gabe all day and not leave him with anyone else. I am trying to soak up these early days of motherhood all the while trying to stay on top of things with work. I am so lucky to be able to keep a foot in the world of education, challenging myself to keep up with all of the latest technology, continually getting the opportunity to teach kids all over the world.

But here's the thing: What is my label?

There are two, apparently rigid and opinionated MOTHERING CAMPS I am now straddling: Stay-at-home moms vs. Working moms. Which one am I? 

I want to be good at my job. I want to do it well. At the same time, I want to soak up every minute with Gabe that I can. I do affirm that parenting is my number one calling right now. Regardless, it is difficult to balance both worlds.

I can see how both "sides" feel; stay at home moms don't feel validated and working moms feel judged. BOTH camps are doing really great things and are, in their own ways, remarkable.

It's sad; instead of being a united front of MOMS, we are divided into camps. This motherhood thing is tough enough without the labels and division. Seriously. Take a step back and breathe, relish that MOTHERHOOD is the unifying factor here. I waited a long time to be in the motherhood camp at all, so let's stop and smell the roses (or diapers) here for a bit, okay?

God and Breastfeeding... What?!?

I never thought I would be relying on God so much with regard to my ability to breastfeed Gabe. Even as I type the words "breastfeed" and "God" in the same sentence, I am feeling funny! This post might seem a bit strange, but like sand through the hourglass, so are the days of my breast-filled life!

Gabe is over a month old and has been eating like a champ; very minimal issues in the food department. So minimal in fact, that we introduced a pacifier and were giving him a bottle (to give me a break) once daily.

It's funny--- I get so excited when he demonstrates any kind of a pattern or routine. Oh, how I crave routine! Until last night, we were cruising right along in the breastfeeding department. I recall thinking, Seriously! This is no big deal. It is time consuming, but pretty effortless.

And then, last night happened.

Let me set the stage: I went to a friend's house yesterday afternoon. Instead of whipping out my chest to feed Gabe, I had pumped prior and had a bottle to give him while she and I visited. We came home and Chris's parents stopped by to see Gabe. Right as they walked in, he started crying because he was hungry (I think they have a radar and know when is the most inopportune time to "pop" in). Instead of strangely sitting and trying to entertain them whilst breastfeeding, I ran upstairs, pumped quickly, and gave Chris's mom the chance to bottle feed Gabe (which she loved). For those of you who are counting, that is two bottle feedings in a row.

Two hours later, the kid is hungry again. Chris's family is still here (shocker). Chris's sister wants to feed the baby. So, I pump and give her the bottle. (#3).

Finally, around 9:30, they leave. I take Gabe up to feed him before bed and he totally REJECTS me. He refuses to eat, starts freaking out, turning red, and proceeds to scream at the top of his lungs. It was like he forgot how to latch on to my breast.

After about thirty minutes of this, I decide I am going to put him in his crib so I can Google the problem. (Thank heaven for Google!)

Apparently, some babies start to prefer the bottle because the milk comes out faster and it is easier for them to eat. So Gabe= a lazy chunker who likes his meals easy-style!

I kept thinking, he has to remember how to breastfeed. Seriously. He has been doing it for the past six weeks! Does he not know that if he simply latched on, he would be able to eat. Duh.

The most frustrating part was there was NOTHING I could do to get him to eat. I wanted so badly just to give him a bottle and be done with it. I knew he would take a bottle. However, I just didn't think I was ready (or Gabe for that matter) to give up on breastfeeding so soon.

When you have not slept in what seems like days, you begin to talk out loud to anyone, anyone who, at 2 AM can hear you. In my case, it was Gabe and God.

Please God. Help him. Help me. I can't do this. Why is this so hard!?

Who knew I'd be shooting up prayers for breastfeeding help! But, alas, He tells us to cast our cares upon Him; feeding my new baby was on the top of my "care list".

So, 48 hours and many frustrated feedings later, we are back on track. No bottles for us for a while!

I'm thankful for a Father who doesn't abandon me (or Gabe ) in our hour(s) of need--- even if breastfeeding is the need atop our list.