First Mother's Day

I used to dread Mother's Day. It was just one more day for me to feel left out of the motherhood club. Emotionally raw, I would see picturesque families stroll into church in their matching outfits, mothers staring longingly at their adorably chubby, smiling infants. On Mother's Day, children seem to multiply. They are everywhere. And they are all behaving. They smell great too. Rainbows and butterflies swarm mini-vans full of families driven by smiling, content parents. Pregnant bellies appear around every corner.... Needless to say, Mother's Day for an infertile woman is R.O.U.G.H.

So what about this year? On this, my very first Mother's Day as a momma, I felt myself torn between wanting to squeeze Gabe and soak up his sweetness every two seconds, and wanting to cry just thinking about how painful some past Mother's Days have been.

I think infertility is an experience that never really leaves you. It's like a death, kind of. It's a time period when you've been emotionally devastated month after month, year after year.... You can't just forget that. Even with a perfect baby, you don't forget it.

Tonight Gabe woke up after only twenty minutes of sleep, a rare occurrence. Usually, he goes to bed for the night, down for the count until morning.

I went upstairs, picked him up, and took a seat in the rocking chair, the same chair that I sat in last Mother's Day, with my pregnant belly. The same chair that I sat in in an empty nursery only a year ago, a room that I previously never entered because I was too emotionally unstable to do it.

As I began to hum quietly, he stopped crying and laid his head on my chest. His eyes were open and he just snuggled against me, rocking back and forth. Normally, he falls to sleep quickly. Tonight he just laid there, wanting to cuddle, humming back to me as I sang to him. It was almost like he wanted to give me a Mother's Day present, Gabe-style.

The feeling of your son, actually hugging you back, holding on to you is one that I can't quite describe, kind of like how I can't quite describe my feelings on this, my first Mother's Day.

For those couples still on the journey to parenthood, know you're not forgotten, not by me, but more importantly not by God. His plans are a mystery to us, but you know what? His plans are always better, always right.

Had we been given Gabe from the start, had we not gone through disappointment, pain and struggle, we would not fully appreciate the tremendous gift and opportunity given to us in Gabe.

So how was my Mother's Day? It was a bit of a roller coaster of emotions, but even more, it was a day when I more fully understood God's grace, and that friends, is a good day.

Things I don't want to forget

He's almost nine months old. I feel like I already forget what it was like to hold and nurse a newborn baby, and I just had one nine months ago. Seeing Gabe now (he is huge, as in, almost 28 pounds), I see some toddler on its way. Today, before the last of my baby's baby-ness leaves, I need to write down a few characteristics I never want to forget:

• He smells like new diapers, sweet milk, and Johnson and Johnson baby shampoo. That combo could melt anyone's heart for life.  (His diapers however, sometimes smell bad. Like really bad. Sometimes I dry heave. Not kidding.)

• When he wakes up from sleep, I savor opening his nursery door-- His smile when he sees me takes up his entire face. I could live on his big mouth smiles forever. Then, when I pick him up from the crib, he squeezes his chubby arms around me and cuddles into my neck. Absolute perfection.

• When he nurses before bed, he rubs his little fingers up and down my arm/back. 

• The amount of chub on his thighs and arms causes me to laugh and cry at the same time.

• I love that he loves my voice, my songs. 

• Dimples on baby hands should never become extinct. I find myself sucking on his chubby dimpled hands because I just can't help myself.

Theses are only a few things I never want to forget.... What a gift you are, sweet Gabe!

Turning the nap corner?

For about the past three months, Gabe has been consistently sleeping through the night. Bedtime is between 7 or 7:30 PM and the morning wake up is generally around 6:30 AM.

Naps though, were another story. Gabe has not been the best napper. However, beginning about a month ago, he started to really take good naps. He takes at least two naps a day, one in the morning, and one in the afternoon. Sometimes he needs a late afternoon quick cat nap, but not every day.

So how did he turn the nap corner? How did this glorious schedule unfold?

I don't think there is any one thing that helped him settle into his current routine. I noticed that he could stay up for about two and a half hours at a clip, needing a nap after each period of wakefulness. Here are a few things that have helped get him to sleep (and stay asleep)!

1) KEEP ACTIVE: When he is awake, we play! I try to encourage him to be as active as possible-- He can't walk or even crawl, but I try to give him different toys and move him from room to room where he can access some new activities. We practice rolling, jumping, sitting up etc.

2) CREATE A ROUTINE: I do the same basic routine each time Gabe goes down for a nap. We read a few books (Gabe chews on them or likes turning the pages) and then I sing a song and put him in his crib.

3) PUT DOWN "DROWSEY BUT AWAKE": I finally understand the advice, "Put baby down drowsy but awake." Before, I would rock or sway Gabe to sleep and then try to put him gingerly in his crib. Sometimes it worked. Other times, I was held captive by him. If he woke up because he was startled by being put down, or hearing a creaking floor board, we had to start all over again. It was AWFUL.

Now, I look for signs that Gabe is getting tired. I watch the clock. I watch him. I take him up to his room--- we close the blinds and do the books/song routine. Then, even if he's not asleep, I put him in his crib.

He had to learn to put himself to sleep. This was not a quick venture, but now, IT IS HEAVEN. It took a few weeks of this routine, and a few weeks of Gabe crying himself to sleep to get him to understand that once in the crib, it's sleep time.

4) LOVE THE LOVEYS: We got him "Gus", a sweet but flat "lovey" to keep in his crib. I liked it because it was comforting for him, but if he rolled on it, it would not wake him up (because it was flat as opposed to a huge stuffed animal).

I seriously read everything about trying to get your baby to take naps longer than 15 minutes. As you may remember, Gabe was either the anti-napper or the cat napper extraordinaire. Now, keeping him SUPER active while awake, watching for his cues, and giving him the skills to put himself to sleep without my help, he is able to sleep more regularly and for longer periods of time.

I am not an expert. I just had to experiment to find what worked for him....Now watch though---- Now that I actually wrote about this, he will totally change his sleep habits just to spite me. That kid! He's lucky he's cute!

Time Marches On.. Soak It Up!

I can't believe that I have an 8 month old baby living in this house. Everyone tells you that, "It goes by so fast!" and it does. Seeing Gabe start to do new things and discover the world around him brings me such joy....His first 8 months have certainly gone by quickly, yet at the same time, Chris and I feel like he's always been with us.

He's just getting so big! He is much harder to cuddle; he wants to move, to play, to explore. Breastfeeding is becoming quite the adventure. Gabe treats me like a jungle gym!

Monkey-Gabe aside, there are sweet glimmers of sweet baby left though. And I have been selfishly purposeful in spending time with Gabe and savoring his baby-ness. And I'm not done! I don't know when babies are officially considered toddlers, but I am not ready to change his title quite yet.

Friends of ours have a two-year old little boy and are expecting their second child any day now. Like literally any second. They came over for dinner last night and we chatted about what life might be like with another kiddo in the mix.

After dinner, I watched as Megan, pregnant 2nd time-momma-to-be,  sat and watched her son play and romp around the house. Her love for him is so evident. But, I can tell she's anxiously awaiting this next new addition too.

I remember the weeks leading up to delivery (See "Nothing Yet" post). Megan too has been hearing the common comments from the non-pregnant people peanut gallery:  

"When is that baby coming out?"
"Wow! You're STILL pregnant?!"
"Poor thing. I bet you can't wait to have that baby!"

Of course those people don't mean anything by their comments. They're excited too!

But you know what? Last night Megan said something that I really want to remember, should we be able to have baby number two:

"Today was such a great day. We went for a walk and spent time together, just the three of us. It was like God knew we just needed a little more time together, just us, before the new baby comes."

Instead of counting down the days, just wanting that baby out, Megan is savoring this time with her son Jackson--- singular, sweet, only-child for a wee bit longer.

Our lives change and progress so fast. Sometimes we don't even see it happening. Other times, all we need is someone's growing belly or growing toddler to remind us that time moves on and babies get bigger. Families get bigger. Love multiplies. And God... well, we learn He's even greater than we thought.

Hybrid Mom

In a world where everything and everyone must have a label, I don't really feel like I have a term that properly describes my days. When people ask what I "do" for a living, I usually spurt out something like: I am raising my son while working from home.

It's not a common concept, doing both. Most mommas are in a definitive camp--- stay-at-home, or working-outside-the-home. 

Yesterday I came across the term "hybrid mom"--- a combination of a stay-at-home mom, work-at-home mom, and work-outside the home mom. Sometimes I wish I had a definitive label--- either stay-at-home-mom or working-mom. That way, I might feel like my life were more balanced; people on the outside could understand my days a bit better if I were doing one or the other. But then I think, no way! I could not imagine doing just one or the other... at least right now anyway. Who knows how I'll feel if we are able to add more kids to this mix.

I found the hybrid-mom term in another blog I was reading. The author (Jamie Weitl) was able to communicate how I feel about being a hybrid-mom well. I highlighted the most true aspects for me below: 

There are definite positives to my hybrid mom life.  The flexibility is what makes it worth it.  If I don’t get my work done during the day, I can do it in the middle of the night.  If I want to attend my son’s preschool field trip or help with his school’s Thanksgiving dinner, that is always an option – I just pay for it later.  I also don’t have to pay full-time child care for my three children.  Currently, my son goes to preschool 5 mornings a week from 8:30 to 11:30 and my girls spend four of those mornings at a neighbors house which provides my work time.  Any work I don’t manage to accomplish while the kids are out of the house I attempt during nap or when they are sleeping.  This is difficult in many ways, but in my mind it’s still a positive because of the time I’m able to spend with my little ones.

One of the most difficult aspects for me is I never really fit in.  All of my mom friends seem to fit into one distinct category – either they stay home or they work outside the home.  I struggle to relate and empathize because for me the grass is always greener on the other side.  I’d love to be a traditional stay-at-home mom.  I dream about the cleaning and crafting I could accomplish if I didn’t need to work every second my children close their eyes.  I also feel like my stress level would be much lower – I actually do all of the things a stay-at-home mom does (including the crafting and the cooking) but I still work on top of those tasks.  My other friends, the working moms, give me those looks when I drop my son off for preschool in my sweatpants and ancient Crocs – those looks that say, “Wow, must be nice not to have to get dressed.”  But what they don’t realize is that I’m working just as many hours (if not more) than they are – only my job doesn’t fit neatly in a 40 hour work week.  I do paid work every day of the week – and there is no such thing as leaving work at work.  It all blends together into one big, never-ending to-do list.

This post is disjointed; I am not even fully done fleshing out this new term, hybrid mom. What do you think?

Perhaps I actually like it? I feel like I am never in one "camp" or the other (working mom or stay-at-home-mom) since I do both. Maybe I like finally having a label.

Car Shopping with Baby Gabe

Sometimes, having a baby in tow helps. Yes, carrying a baby in the grocery store or to church can often be a bit hairy. But... let me tell you... bringing your baby car shopping is the way to go!

Chris's Jeep finally took a dive, after fourteen solid years. We new we couldn't afford to go buy a brand new car, but we wanted a quality used SUV of sorts.

As Chris takes 99.3 million years to make a decision (even if only deciding on a blender), I knew we were in for some trouble. The fact that the Jeep's driver side car door was refusing to shut increased the need for a new vehicle, and fast.

So... what did we do? We brought Gabe with us car shopping.

I know how car dealers work. The whole back-and-forth about the price and the "let me check with my manager" crap. Come on! Give me the real price already!

When you have a baby in tow, things have no choice but to progress at a speed faster than light. Just the view of a squirming, screaming child scares male car dealers.

So here's how we played it:

Me: "Hi! We have a really small window here to look at cars today. We definitely need a car, and if we can get the right price, we are ready to purchase today."

Dealer: "Wow. Okay. Today?"

Me: "Yes, preferably before Gabe wakes up from his nap." (Dealer looks at innocent, chubby baby sleeping in car seat). 

We tell the dealer our specifics (having already researched online, knowing the dealership's inventory and list prices).

Dealer: "Well.. hmm... let me take a look and see what we can do."

Me: "Okay. But make it speedy! (I dramatically glance at Gabe, making it appear that I am looking at a literal ticking time bomb).

So the dealer comes back with some options, all of which are over our price range. We choose the car that we had researched online (checked the CarFax, compared the price to Kelly Blue Book etc.)

Chris: "Can I test drive that one?"

The dealer grabs the keys and pulls the car up. We brought an extra car seat base so all we had to do was transfer the car seat (with Gabe still sleeping in it) into the "new" car.

We set off for the test drive, asked questions while driving etc. I sat in the back next to Gabe, looking over everything in the back. Chris drove and checked out the front.

Ten minutes later, we were back at the dealership.

Chris: "So, what is your final asking price."

Dealer: "Well, ah, you can see it there on the sticker."

Gabe, as if on cue, miraculously starts waking up.

Chris: "Oh, well, if that is your final price, we thank you for the test drive, but we can't do that price."

Dealer: "Well, what price were you thinking?"

Chris lays out the specifics for him. Meanwhile, Gabe starts softly whimpering from the car seat. The dealer glances at Gabe, fear slowly starting to grab hold of him that this baby just might poop, cry, or spit in his direction.

Dealer: "Let me go talk to my boss."

Me: "Okay, but seriously, we have about a ten minute window here before we have to go. Gabe gets really mean, really fast! 

The dealer comes back with a price, miraculously two thousand below his earlier "final" price. Chris says not low enough. I grab the diaper bag and start to head for the door to leave.

Dealer: "So you don't think there is any way to make this work?" (He stares at the now fully crying Gabe)

Chris: "Well, not tonight. Thanks for the drive. Please give me a call if you can get closer to our price."

We leave. Drive home. I feed Gabe. About 45 minutes later, we get a call with a now even lower price. It's in our ballpark. We accept. Done deal.

Ahh.... that was the fastest, most efficient car shopping experience ever. Thanks, Gabe!





Side note: Knowing Chris's car was on its last legs, we had been researching cars for about six months. We knew what we wanted (type, mileage, price etc) and pounced when the time was right. Plus, Gabe clearly accelerated the process! 

Breastfeeding and/or Formula Feeding

Please note that I didn't title this post, "Breastfeeding VS Formula Feeding."

Just as there are specifically defined "camps" on the stay-at-home-mom VS working mom issue, there are stern camps regarding how babies "should" be fed.

At six months post birth, I feel like I can actually write about this topic with some clarity. 

The women in my family (mother, sister-in-laws, aunts, cousins etc) have all been avid breastfeeding mothers. When I was pregnant with Gabe, I assumed I would have no issues breastfeeding and as such, would join the ranks of happy breastfeeding mothers, both past and present.

I've posted before about Gabe and his LOVE of eating. Even now, as he has started baby food, he cries when the food is gone. The kid likes to eat. He has the cheeks to prove it.

When I began breastfeeding, I did so every two hours, round the clock. Literally, Gabe could have camped out on my chest and been happy. For the first month or two, that was fine. I wasn't really needing to do anything else besides care for him, (and occasionally shower), so boob-camping was totally fine. But then, I got really, really tired of doing it myself. 

No one else can "help" you breastfeed. It is nothing that Chris can step up and do at 3 AM. Yes, there were moments were I felt so at peace, with my baby, peacefully eating in my arms. But then, there were other moments, where he frantically sucked away, acting like he hadn't been fed in four days. 

There is nothing worse, as a new mom, than feeling like you can't FEED YOUR BABY and SATISFY him. 

We used a pacifier between feedings to "trick" him into sucking on something other than me. He figured out quickly that the pacifier did not fill up his ever-groaning stomach. 

I tried to keep up to his demand by pumping on top of the every two to three hour feedings. Literally, my boobs were either occupied by Gabe or a pump 24-7. 

This, friends, was not sustainable for me. "They" (meaning all the books/websites I read) said that the more that is demanded from your breasts, the more they produce. I think that might be true for some, but it wasn't for me. I just always felt like Gabe wasn't satisfied or getting enough.

At one early visit to our pediatrician, I explained this. I explained that Gabe literally was an additional appendage growing from my chest, sucking the life out of me. Breastfeeding bliss? Yeah right.

My pediatrician looked at me with sweet, non-judgmental eyes. "Have you ever considered supplementing with formula? You could take "off" a feeding. Have Chris give the baby a bottle of formula and you and your breasts, take a breather."

Oh my gosh. Why had I not even entrained this idea? Because I am a perfectionist. I didn't want my family/friends/random stranger mothers to think I was not doing EVERYTHING "right." 

Guess what? I found out that taking a break from breastfeeding and supplementing with formula every night around the dinner hour was a necessity for my sanity. Chris could come home and feed Gabe while I chilled out and enjoyed some time AWAY from a sucking baby.

The other aspect of supplementing with a formula bottle occasionally was that it gave me peace of mind. Perhaps I wouldn't have extra breastmilk on hand or perhaps we would be traveling and I couldn't produce enough to satisfy Gabe. Bringing some formula in the diaper bag gave me PEACE of mind, something that I have now found to be PRICELESS.

There are other times when I breastfeed Gabe and I think he just needs to be "topped off," so I give him an additional few ounces of formula. This happens most often at bedtime, when my milk supply is at its lowest. The formula "topper" eases my mind and fills up Gabe's belly a bedtime.

I could count on more than two hands the number of times I've been asked if I breastfeed or formula feed. Why do people care so much? On multiple occasions, Chris's grandmother has asked me, "Is that (referring to a bottle) YOURS or is it formula? Why does it matter!?!

If someone has the answer to that question, please let me know. 

Sometimes, PEACE and a baby with a FULL tummy is more highly desired than worrying about the judgement that may come from women whom have nothing else to do but evaluate your milk production or lack thereof.

Even now, at six moths, I still supplement with formula, about one feeding per day. It gives me a break and it allows other people to feed Gabe. It is a win-win for everyone!

Whatever your choice, do what is best AND MOST PRACTICAL for you. Don't worry about women onlookers, who in all seriousness, need to get a life. 

Be confident in your choice. You're doing a GREAT job caring for your baby! 



**If you were wondering about my specific formula choice, the recommendation of my pediatrician, here it is: