Control Freak

And the crazy-psycho planning begins. Again. Oh, and some stream-of-consciousness writing:

I just pulled out my calendar from the last time we did IVF to try to nail down a general timeframe for everything. I am a control freak. I need to know what's coming. My calendar is essential.

I started taking pre-natal pills this morning. Strange.

I'm excited at the prospect of pregnancy but I don't want to climb the IVF hormone mountain to get there.

What if it doesn't work like last time? The knowledge of the last cycle and the positive result (GABE!) is both a blessing and curse. I know exactly what's coming physically and emotionally, except for the outcome, which is unknown.

I think we would be looking at an end of April embryo transfer, if we have any embryos that make it to that point; we will have to decide the number to implant (1 or 2) like we did last time.

Big choices. Big money. Big emotion. Big dreams. All the while, I have Gabe, who does fulfill my desire to mother someone... I want him to have a sibling or siblings. Is that selfish? To some maybe. I know. I just want to do motherhood more.

I see many "I"s in this post. I'm allowed to feel and to hope. When does that become selfish of me though?

Is Round Two a secret pursuit? I don't know how it can be as secretive as last time because we have Gabe and I have to plan appointments around him. We are going to need help. I hate asking for that.

I wish I could accurately describe my attitude/emotions going into this cycle. I'm not in the same headspace as I was Round One. I'm not in a worse place, just a different one. Will that matter? I guess the better question to ask is HOW will that matter here?

Round Two. Really. I think.

Should your finances and your calendars dictate when you can have another child? When you're needing IVF to create that child, the answer is YES. And prayer. Lots of it.

We think we are ready to jump in for round two now. I have scheduled a baseline ultrasound for mid March. After that, we will get a more definitive timeline, but guestimating, I would say we'd be looking at a transfer around early May?

I feel a little bit more ready for the whole process than I did a few months ago. I think it will become more real after my baseline appointment. I'll write more then :)

Pets and infertility

I don't even know how to write this post. I'm sitting here crying already.

But what do I do when I'm emotionally raw? I write. I apologize in advance if you are A) not ready for a sad story or B) you don't like dogs/pets.

Yesterday we found out that our sweet boxer Stu has cancer. Like bad. Like everywhere. This afternoon, we have to put him down. He's five and half and we are devastated.

I can't imagine our home without his presence. Even now, as I write this, he's at my feet. He's present.

He has been a silent, strong comfort to me through so much. This dog literally sat on my lap during months and months of negative pregnancy tests. His loyal companionship forced me outside for walks in the sun during really tough months. As much as Chris, he's endured the roller coaster ride we road to conceiving Gabe.

Since Gabe's birth, he's been attentive and friendly, totally submitting to the little, crazy bundle-now-toddler invading his world. He's been sat on, chewed on, and has had a child steal his toys and dog food (yes, Gabe is weird) and has never shown any aggression. The picture perfect family dog.

I dread today.

Pause.

A few months back I wrote about the prospect of IVF round 2. Since that time, we've had a phone consult with Dr. Sasson to discuss timelines/options. I was literally set to start this month. Normally, if something is on the calendar, it means it is happening. It means we are doing it.

However, a few weeks ago I just felt this need to pause. To wait. To chill. I don't get that feeling often. So why the hesitancy? IVF round two seems so detached from my life, from our family. It seems so distant and I just don't think I have the ambition or drive to reach for it at the moment or even in the next few months.

I wasn't sure if Chris felt the same. When I brought it up to him last week, he was surprisingly relaxed, stating that he too wanted a baby, but to do IVF right now, in the midst of the holidays and in the midst of a sweeter-but-more-stubborn-by-the-day toddler just didn't seem like the best timing.

So, we're pausing, and I've never been more okay with standing still.

Round Two?

Almost two months since my last post! How can this be?! Our days have been busy and jumbled, glorious and exhausting. But such is life in the Knipe house with a curious toddler running the joint.

I may be writing more posts in the coming weeks and months as Chris and I have decided to head back to fertility-ville (AKA Shady Grove) for round two. I don't know if I'm ready for it. I mean, I think I'm ready for another baby in this house, but I don't think I'm ready to face the potential disappointment and emotional stress of IVF and failed fertility cycles, again.

Last week, I called Shady Grove to schedule an appointment to talk about options and a timeline. Even while I heard myself calling and making the appointment, I couldn't believe we were doing this again. I'm not excited. I am kind of numb about it, which is a strange thing to feel about trying to add to our family.

For those of you whom have yet to conceive, whom are in the midst of your struggle, I know you are reading this with disdain thinking, Oh yeah. Must be SO hard to go back and try to have ANOTHER baby.

I know. I hated people who were writing about secondary infertility because it made me jealous because they ALREADY HAD ONE. Gosh. Be grateful already.

But then Gabe happened. I became a mom and I realized even more how precious and wonderful and draining and mesmerizing motherhood and parenthood can be; I want more of it. If that makes me selfish, then yes, I am. I am selfish. I want more. And I hope that you will one day find yourself in this exact place, secretly apologizing to first-time mothers in waiting.

Round two already seems to have so many obstacles before it. Finances, needed babysitters for Gabe, the schedule juggling at work... I'm just not looking forward to it. During round one, I really only needed to focus on me. Myself. Now, I have to worry about Gabe, trying to ensure that he is taken care of while I'm in stirrups or shooting myself up with hormones. Is it fair to him to have me not-so-present in his life for a few months? Conversely, doesn't he deserve a sibling to pal around with? Maybe deserve is a poor word choice. I don't know.

I am just not feeling it right now. I don't know if I can face this again.

 This post has sounded like a pity party from the lady who has a baby already. I know that. But you have to let me vent here, or else I'll just keep it bottled up and that's bad news all around.

Almost ONE

I swore that I would never create a post that reads more like a Hallmark card than a blog post. Unfortunately, today, I don't think I get get around it:

This Saturday is Gabe's first birthday. This time last year, I was impatiently awaiting the arrival of a baby, OUR baby. So much has changed in one year! On one hand, it feels like Gabe has always been with us, so to say he's only been here for a year, seems strange. On the other hand, there are still days when I enter his nursery and can't believe he's in it.

This past year has been incredible, euphoric, exhausting, exhilarating... It's been so many things. I can't even really put it, the past 365 days, into words. All I know is that my eyes well up each time I remember the day Gabe was born, the day when I became a mom and the day that Chris and I entered parenthood.

I have soaked up every minute of Gabe this past year. I know I've actually been selfish at times and I'm not sorry; I can't describe how much I love him, need him, need to see, hear, and touch him. I have soaked up Year One and intend to continue to love him up in Year Two.

I guess this motherhood thing really is all it's cracked up to be. And more.

Sweet Gabriel David-- you will never know how much we love you and are thrilled beyond words to call you our son. I relish being able to see more and more of your personality and spirit shine through in Year Two!

Leaving

This week, I have to travel for work. I am not looking forward to it. I've literally woken up in the night in a panic just thinking about it.

I do have a great job that allows me to work from home almost year-round. Working-from-home the majority of the year does have its perks; I get to be home with Gabe and work at the same time. While that is also an obstacle a times (see Hybrid Mom post), I am certainly really fortunate to be able to work as an educational administrator from my own house.

The downside is that I do have to travel now and then. This week, I have to leave Gabe for three nights and four days. Who's counting, you ask? Me, that's who. I know the days will fly by, but the thought of not seeing my sweet boy for half a week makes me so sad and anxious.

For the past year + nine months, I've basically been with him around the clock. There is this unexplainable bond that exists between us--- I just am not ready to not be with him for multiple days at a time. I know in 18 years, he'll head to college and I'll have to be more ready to be separated from him. Who knows? Perhaps then I'll be shoving him out of the door.

But for now, I dread flying out of state and leaving him. Tonight, I put Gabe to bed and rocked him longer than normal. I'm not going to lie--- I also bawled my eyes out.

 I know he'll be fine. He will.

I wish someone would invent a Gabe-IV drip, so I could keep some of his chub, sweet smiles, and baby smell running through my veins from afar.