Making a trek out of the valley

If it seems like I'm in a bit of a valley right now, it's true. I'm starting to climb out, but I'm not there yet.

I haven't posted because we have just experienced a loss in our family that has consumed every moment since last Saturday. Chris's grandfather passed away unexpectedly on Saturday morning.

If you'll recall, Friday I went to the hospital to get bloodwork done to find out if our embryo transfer was successful. We didn't hear back from Shady Grove that day because our lab here in Williamsport was delayed in sending it to them (shocker). Friday night Chris and I went out on a date and Chris's parents kept Gabe overnight. It was good to reconnect and have a night out after the weeks of doctor visits and IVF hormones. We talked at dinner about the very real possibility that I wasn't pregnant. We started coming to terms with it, sadly, but surely.

We woke up Saturday morning and did some yard work, something that is tricky when we have Gabe with us. We jumped in the car late morning to go pick up Gabe from Chris's parents. When we pulled into the driveway at his parent's house, we saw that no one was home. Because Chris's grandparents only live a half mile up the road, we thought they might be there visiting. We drove up the driveway to see Chris's parents' arms waving to us, both with distressed looks.

Chris's grandfather had suffered a heart attack and at that moment, we needed to start CPR. Chris began CPR and continued until the ambulance came; another 45 minutes of CPR and the EMTs declared that Chris's grandfather had passed away.

It was a traumatic experience for all who witnessed it. It was worse for Chris because he and his grandfather Ernie held such a deep, special bond. Ernie was Chris's best man in our wedding. He never missed one of Chris's concerts or football games, or birthdays. He and Chris talked weekly. Chris considered him a father figure and an incredible man of faith. Many of the qualities I love about Chris are qualities his grandfather modeled.

As for as the failed pregnancy, honestly, we haven't had time to process it. I got a voicemail from Shady Grove only minutes after the hearse left Chris's grandfather's house, telling us that we were not pregnant. The timing of the day was just incredible.

A few days have gone by. The funeral was yesterday. Chris spoke and I sang and it was a lovely tribute to a sweet, faithful man.

I know Ernie loved Gabe and loved seeing his grandson so happy as a new father. His unexpected passing is just another reminder that God is in control. He's sovereign. His timing is His timing; we don't get to dictate it. Even in my sadness, I am ever so mindful of the gift that I have in Chris as my husband and Gabe as my son. I don't want to ever take that for granted.

11 days post transfer

Last night, I started bleeding. Bright red.

I sat on the toilet and cried.

Chris and I climbed in bed and just held in each other in silence, me with a blotchy face, swollen eyes. Ticked, I grabbed my phone and typed out a staccato email to our Shady Grove nurse, Debbie:

Tested today. It was negative. Bleeding bright red now. Can I go get the blood test tomorrow, to put myself out of this misery? Please don't make us wait until Monday. Need to know for sure so we can get a grip here.

Her reply: Go ahead. We will call you when the lab sends us your results.

I went to the lab this morning. I'm just waiting for a phone call anytime. Pull the plug already. Rip off the bandaid. I can't sit in this place much longer.

I told Chris I am 98% sure I'm not pregnant. Who knows why I still cling to 2%. I think Chris is like 75% no, 25% yes, for no justifiable reason at all.

So when we 100% know, what are our next steps? I don't know for sure. I know we have one more cycle paid for, minus the meds. I know we need time away from the fertility roller-coaster though. It was exciting at first, but I'm over it today.

You know the feeling you get when you first get to an amusement park? Oh wow! So fun! This takes me back to my childhood! You're excited to eat that amazing fried food, jump onto a ton of rides and get your face painted.... After a few hours though, the thrills lessen. The food actually isn't that great. You've got gum stuck on your shoe, and you're kind of grumpy.

We are past kind of grumpy. We are exhausted and ready to leave. We will come back. We know. Just not anytime soon.

10 days post transfer

The sun and warmer weather has been so welcomed this week! I spent the day outside yesterday with Gabe. We went for a really long walk and then played in his playhouse in the yard for hours. Literally. Somehow, being squished into a toddler playhouse, blowing bubbles, one forgets her stressors:)

Chris and I have the weekend planned out with lots of yard work and together time. It's how we handle stress. I can plant a garden and hack down weeds, bushes, and trees. I can do that. It's within my control. And right now, it feels good to be able to see results of my efforts, on my own terms.

Still not feeling incredibly optimistic about Monday's blood work. I think I'll take another pregnancy test this weekend, just so I have a little bit more preparation, a bit more advanced warning.

I did wake up to some spotting this morning. Sorry, TMI, but just keeping it real. Not sure what it means though.

Off to grade papers and get some school work done. Pandora turned up and a cup of coffee in hand are getting me off on the right foot today!

9 days post transfer

So I broke down and took a home pregnancy test at 5:45 AM this morning. I sat in the bathroom, holding my breath and staring at the test, wishing that second line into existence. Nothing. It was negative.

I know it's a little early still, but at this point in the two week wait with Gabe, I did get a positive test.

Leaving the bathroom, I debated whether I should even tell  Chris.... give him a few more days of authentic hope before telling him I cheated and took a test early. After five minutes of lying next to him, I just couldn't hold back the tears. I told him and we just laid there, holding hands in silence.

I know it's not a complete final verdict, but I'm just really starting to prepare myself that Monday's blood test really might be negative. I am not always a glass half full person, but I've been with this, in a sense, pushing through, head down, determined, staying optimistic for Chris.

Today though, I don't feel optimistic. I feel sad. A little angry.

Today I look at Gabe and think, I'm so lucky to have him. Simultaneously, I look at Gabe and mourn that I might not get to experience this again. How can I be content with Gabe, yet mourn that there may not be another baby/toddler experience for us?

I'm not going to take another test until the weekend, right before my blood test on Monday AM. If it ends up being positive, I'll be thrilled of course, but for now, I just need to start coming to grips with the fact that it might not be. And that we'll be okay. We will. It just doesn't feel so great right now.

7 Days Post Transfer

If I had actually had a pregnancy test in this house this morning, I would have taken it. Not because I feel pregnant or anything, but just because I am starting to get a little jittery about this IVF cycle's outcome. The distraction of springtime and a toddler is helping, however. This weekend we worked around the house and played outside with Gabe. Glorious. It was the first weekend in over two months where I didn't have any appointments in Philly or Harrisburg to get to; it was nice to be in one place, enjoying each day with my family.

Every few hours, the embryo(s) in my belly would resurface to my mind, and I'd get sidetracked, wondering how/if things are progressing in there...

Googling "7 days post a 5 day embryo transfer" brings up MANY results; most of which are posts from hopeful mothers, looking for some sign or confirmation that at 7 days post transfer, that they are pregnant. Nothing really scientifically proven.

As far as my physical feelings 7dpt, not much feels different than any other day. I did have some slight pain on both my sides (kind of like ovary pain?) yesterday and still a bit this morning. It's the first physical anything that I've felt since transfer day. But who knows what this could actually mean? Google results are contradictory and inconclusive. Shocker.

I'm thinking that I'll take a test on Wednesday, if I actually have the nerve to go buy one and actually take it. I want to know the outcome here, but there is also mental safety in the unknown. For now.

Peace in waiting

Even though we are in the dreaded two week waiting period, I am peaceful. I don't have anxiety (today). I think just having a few days of NO appointments, good meals, and sunshine has really brought me back to life! Chris still seems anxious, so for now, while I'm feeling more solid, I want to do my best to support and encourage him. 

Yesterday I played with Gabe all day. Like serious toddler playing. He is so intense; intensely happy, intensely angry, intensely curious, intensely awake, intensely tired...intensely Gabe! I love it! He recently started really HUGGING back when I hug him. For the first time, I feel him gripping his arms around my neck and back and tugging me into him. Best feeling in the world.

I'm not going to lie; I have started calculating when I should take a pregnancy test. I know SG says not to take one for at least 14 days. I'm thinking I won't last that long. Just being honest. I know I'll make it through the weekend without taking one, so that's good, right?

ROUND TWO: Transfer Day

We just arrived home from a whirlwind trip to Shady Grove. I have so many thoughts and emotions and I want to sort them out, but I don't know that I can at this exact moment. I will though, give the basic overview of our day.

We drove to Philly, holding hands, just trying to get past the fear that we may show up at the Shady Grove office with nothing to transfer. I did some work on my computer while Chris listened to (horrid) 80s music on the radio, his way to calm his nerves:)

We arrived in the parking lot and prayed together, asking that God would be with us regardless of what the day would bring.

We got geared up (me in a gown and Chris in a white jumpsuit) and went back to hear from Dr. Sasson. He said we had one really good embryo, and one that was lagging a bit behind. I literally exhaled for what felt like minutes. I honestly think I've been walking around for the past five days, just holding my breath that we would have an embryo make it to day 5. Now, I was hearing there were at least two in the running.

We debated if we wanted to transfer both, or just the good one, hoping that maybe the other could be preserved later. We surprisingly quickly and peacefully came to the same decision as last time; go for two. 

Even as I'm typing, I am having this weird revelation and awareness of this day. I have just been making myself so distracted, pushing myself purposely so far away from the feeling of disappointment and fear. I've just been trying to disconnect. Today was the first time that I felt like, okay, this is happening. It could be okay to connect and allow myself to feel and experience of embryo transfer day. I am nowhere near letting myself feel like I'm pregnant or like I'm going to have a baby. But I am allowing myself to savor God's goodness in all that played out this day.

We now wait two weeks for the pregnancy test. That seems like decades away, but I know I will sleep much better tonight than I did last night knowing that we survived day 5.