I was honored to share my infertility story to date with Heather Huhman, founder of the podcast Beat Infertility. I hope it can provide you with hope and inspire you as it has me.
Beat Infertility Podcast Link
Monday, June 29, 2015
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Perspectives from Jonah
This morning I was reading Jonah. I found scribbled notes in my Bible's margins from a Jonah sermon. Think beyond the Jonah and the whale story. Think about what comes next, in Jonah Chapter 4.
I've admittedly been angry with God lately. I see myself in Jonah's actions, as he sits, angry at God for killing his stupid vine, when meanwhile, there were thousands of people unsaved.
"Is it right for you to be angry?" God asked.
I know that's me. I am Jonah in this moment. I know my anger is hindering my ability to be used by God, even in everyday interactions with others. I feel surrounded by anger, grief, and disappointment. I know this is just a tough time. Chris and I remind each other of that every day. It's not forever.
But what about now?
I'm still allowed to be angry, right? I'm standing here, waiting for Him. In that waiting though, how do I get my eyes of off my current struggles to see what He wants, to see the many, many good things He's given me that I don't deserve?
There have been days when I've looked my Bible with resentment. I'm not picking that up today. I'm blocking it out, Him out.
And then, there are times like today when I think, I have NOTHING BUT HIS WORD to help me understand His ways. And I'm thankful (still mad though) but thankful for His desire to WANT to speak to me this morning.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
And so here we are. Still here.
I haven't really been posting much lately. I've been feeling apathetic about all things fertility in an effort to just pretend we don't have to deal with it. It works for a while, but then thoughts of fertility world start creeping back into my brain. So, while I've got those thoughts on the brain, and have a second to myself, I'll update you on some developments.
A few weeks ago, I had a phone consult with Dr. S to discuss any potential reasons for my last failed IVF cycle, as well as the potential reason(s) why we did not even come out of the fresh cycle with any remaining embryos.
His answer: "I don't know."
Awesome.
He went on to say that my 30-year-old body isn't responding like a typical 30-year-old. With the amount of hormone stimulants I've been given, I should be producing between 15-30 eggs at retrieval. This past cycle, four were retrieved, with only two for transfer in the end.
Instead, he said, I was responding like I was in my mid 40s.
He does want to change the protocol moving forward to see if that can make a positive difference in my egg retrieval numbers. He wants me to plan out my next fresh cycle, two plus months in advance, to ensure that we are really coming into retrieval with the best possible scenario.
I hope that will be the case as this is, mark my words, our LAST CHANCE at IVF (unless we hit the lottery). We have one more cycle that we've paid for (or at least have the loans out to pay for!)
We are currently saving for the $6,000 of meds we need to go along with that last cycle. I had hoped to try in September, but I don't think we are going to be there financially. I also don't think I am going to be there emotionally.
The failure of the last cycle coupled with the unexpected death of Chris's grandfather have put us in a difficult place emotionally. It's hard for me to be the cheerleader right now. It's hard for Chris to be pumped up when he is helping his family work through the details of his grandfather's death. Chris is grieving too.
We've never encountered a period in our marriage like this to date. Eight years and counting and in most situations, one of us is the optimist, the one pushing the other through. Right now, we're both kind of stagnant. We are talking about how to support each other though, and I think that's crucial to our ability to remain a team, even in our different kinds of grief right now.
I know it won't be like this forever, but right now, it's just hard.
A few weeks ago, I had a phone consult with Dr. S to discuss any potential reasons for my last failed IVF cycle, as well as the potential reason(s) why we did not even come out of the fresh cycle with any remaining embryos.
His answer: "I don't know."
Awesome.
He went on to say that my 30-year-old body isn't responding like a typical 30-year-old. With the amount of hormone stimulants I've been given, I should be producing between 15-30 eggs at retrieval. This past cycle, four were retrieved, with only two for transfer in the end.
Instead, he said, I was responding like I was in my mid 40s.
He does want to change the protocol moving forward to see if that can make a positive difference in my egg retrieval numbers. He wants me to plan out my next fresh cycle, two plus months in advance, to ensure that we are really coming into retrieval with the best possible scenario.
I hope that will be the case as this is, mark my words, our LAST CHANCE at IVF (unless we hit the lottery). We have one more cycle that we've paid for (or at least have the loans out to pay for!)
We are currently saving for the $6,000 of meds we need to go along with that last cycle. I had hoped to try in September, but I don't think we are going to be there financially. I also don't think I am going to be there emotionally.
The failure of the last cycle coupled with the unexpected death of Chris's grandfather have put us in a difficult place emotionally. It's hard for me to be the cheerleader right now. It's hard for Chris to be pumped up when he is helping his family work through the details of his grandfather's death. Chris is grieving too.
We've never encountered a period in our marriage like this to date. Eight years and counting and in most situations, one of us is the optimist, the one pushing the other through. Right now, we're both kind of stagnant. We are talking about how to support each other though, and I think that's crucial to our ability to remain a team, even in our different kinds of grief right now.
I know it won't be like this forever, but right now, it's just hard.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
"Everything Happens for a Reason"... Does it?
This post made SO much sense to me, especially in the place where I am, in this moment.
I hope it's helpful for you too: http://johnpavlovitz.com/2015/05/29/why-everything-does-not-happen-for-a-reason/
Thursday, May 7, 2015
Making a trek out of the valley
If it seems like I'm in a bit of a valley right now, it's true. I'm starting to climb out, but I'm not there yet.
I haven't posted because we have just experienced a loss in our family that has consumed every moment since last Saturday. Chris's grandfather passed away unexpectedly on Saturday morning.
If you'll recall, Friday I went to the hospital to get bloodwork done to find out if our embryo transfer was successful. We didn't hear back from Shady Grove that day because our lab here in Williamsport was delayed in sending it to them (shocker). Friday night Chris and I went out on a date and Chris's parents kept Gabe overnight. It was good to reconnect and have a night out after the weeks of doctor visits and IVF hormones. We talked at dinner about the very real possibility that I wasn't pregnant. We started coming to terms with it, sadly, but surely.
We woke up Saturday morning and did some yard work, something that is tricky when we have Gabe with us. We jumped in the car late morning to go pick up Gabe from Chris's parents. When we pulled into the driveway at his parent's house, we saw that no one was home. Because Chris's grandparents only live a half mile up the road, we thought they might be there visiting. We drove up the driveway to see Chris's parents' arms waving to us, both with distressed looks.
Chris's grandfather had suffered a heart attack and at that moment, we needed to start CPR. Chris began CPR and continued until the ambulance came; another 45 minutes of CPR and the EMTs declared that Chris's grandfather had passed away.
It was a traumatic experience for all who witnessed it. It was worse for Chris because he and his grandfather Ernie held such a deep, special bond. Ernie was Chris's best man in our wedding. He never missed one of Chris's concerts or football games, or birthdays. He and Chris talked weekly. Chris considered him a father figure and an incredible man of faith. Many of the qualities I love about Chris are qualities his grandfather modeled.
As for as the failed pregnancy, honestly, we haven't had time to process it. I got a voicemail from Shady Grove only minutes after the hearse left Chris's grandfather's house, telling us that we were not pregnant. The timing of the day was just incredible.
A few days have gone by. The funeral was yesterday. Chris spoke and I sang and it was a lovely tribute to a sweet, faithful man.
I know Ernie loved Gabe and loved seeing his grandson so happy as a new father. His unexpected passing is just another reminder that God is in control. He's sovereign. His timing is His timing; we don't get to dictate it. Even in my sadness, I am ever so mindful of the gift that I have in Chris as my husband and Gabe as my son. I don't want to ever take that for granted.
I haven't posted because we have just experienced a loss in our family that has consumed every moment since last Saturday. Chris's grandfather passed away unexpectedly on Saturday morning.
If you'll recall, Friday I went to the hospital to get bloodwork done to find out if our embryo transfer was successful. We didn't hear back from Shady Grove that day because our lab here in Williamsport was delayed in sending it to them (shocker). Friday night Chris and I went out on a date and Chris's parents kept Gabe overnight. It was good to reconnect and have a night out after the weeks of doctor visits and IVF hormones. We talked at dinner about the very real possibility that I wasn't pregnant. We started coming to terms with it, sadly, but surely.
We woke up Saturday morning and did some yard work, something that is tricky when we have Gabe with us. We jumped in the car late morning to go pick up Gabe from Chris's parents. When we pulled into the driveway at his parent's house, we saw that no one was home. Because Chris's grandparents only live a half mile up the road, we thought they might be there visiting. We drove up the driveway to see Chris's parents' arms waving to us, both with distressed looks.
Chris's grandfather had suffered a heart attack and at that moment, we needed to start CPR. Chris began CPR and continued until the ambulance came; another 45 minutes of CPR and the EMTs declared that Chris's grandfather had passed away.
It was a traumatic experience for all who witnessed it. It was worse for Chris because he and his grandfather Ernie held such a deep, special bond. Ernie was Chris's best man in our wedding. He never missed one of Chris's concerts or football games, or birthdays. He and Chris talked weekly. Chris considered him a father figure and an incredible man of faith. Many of the qualities I love about Chris are qualities his grandfather modeled.
As for as the failed pregnancy, honestly, we haven't had time to process it. I got a voicemail from Shady Grove only minutes after the hearse left Chris's grandfather's house, telling us that we were not pregnant. The timing of the day was just incredible.
A few days have gone by. The funeral was yesterday. Chris spoke and I sang and it was a lovely tribute to a sweet, faithful man.
I know Ernie loved Gabe and loved seeing his grandson so happy as a new father. His unexpected passing is just another reminder that God is in control. He's sovereign. His timing is His timing; we don't get to dictate it. Even in my sadness, I am ever so mindful of the gift that I have in Chris as my husband and Gabe as my son. I don't want to ever take that for granted.
Friday, May 1, 2015
11 days post transfer
Last night, I started bleeding. Bright red.
I sat on the toilet and cried.
Chris and I climbed in bed and just held in each other in silence, me with a blotchy face, swollen eyes. Ticked, I grabbed my phone and typed out a staccato email to our Shady Grove nurse, Debbie:
Tested today. It was negative. Bleeding bright red now. Can I go get the blood test tomorrow, to put myself out of this misery? Please don't make us wait until Monday. Need to know for sure so we can get a grip here.
Her reply: Go ahead. We will call you when the lab sends us your results.
I went to the lab this morning. I'm just waiting for a phone call anytime. Pull the plug already. Rip off the bandaid. I can't sit in this place much longer.
I told Chris I am 98% sure I'm not pregnant. Who knows why I still cling to 2%. I think Chris is like 75% no, 25% yes, for no justifiable reason at all.
So when we 100% know, what are our next steps? I don't know for sure. I know we have one more cycle paid for, minus the meds. I know we need time away from the fertility roller-coaster though. It was exciting at first, but I'm over it today.
You know the feeling you get when you first get to an amusement park? Oh wow! So fun! This takes me back to my childhood! You're excited to eat that amazing fried food, jump onto a ton of rides and get your face painted.... After a few hours though, the thrills lessen. The food actually isn't that great. You've got gum stuck on your shoe, and you're kind of grumpy.
We are past kind of grumpy. We are exhausted and ready to leave. We will come back. We know. Just not anytime soon.
I sat on the toilet and cried.
Chris and I climbed in bed and just held in each other in silence, me with a blotchy face, swollen eyes. Ticked, I grabbed my phone and typed out a staccato email to our Shady Grove nurse, Debbie:
Tested today. It was negative. Bleeding bright red now. Can I go get the blood test tomorrow, to put myself out of this misery? Please don't make us wait until Monday. Need to know for sure so we can get a grip here.
Her reply: Go ahead. We will call you when the lab sends us your results.
I went to the lab this morning. I'm just waiting for a phone call anytime. Pull the plug already. Rip off the bandaid. I can't sit in this place much longer.
I told Chris I am 98% sure I'm not pregnant. Who knows why I still cling to 2%. I think Chris is like 75% no, 25% yes, for no justifiable reason at all.
So when we 100% know, what are our next steps? I don't know for sure. I know we have one more cycle paid for, minus the meds. I know we need time away from the fertility roller-coaster though. It was exciting at first, but I'm over it today.
You know the feeling you get when you first get to an amusement park? Oh wow! So fun! This takes me back to my childhood! You're excited to eat that amazing fried food, jump onto a ton of rides and get your face painted.... After a few hours though, the thrills lessen. The food actually isn't that great. You've got gum stuck on your shoe, and you're kind of grumpy.
We are past kind of grumpy. We are exhausted and ready to leave. We will come back. We know. Just not anytime soon.
Thursday, April 30, 2015
10 days post transfer
The sun and warmer weather has been so welcomed this week! I spent the day outside yesterday with Gabe. We went for a really long walk and then played in his playhouse in the yard for hours. Literally. Somehow, being squished into a toddler playhouse, blowing bubbles, one forgets her stressors:)
Chris and I have the weekend planned out with lots of yard work and together time. It's how we handle stress. I can plant a garden and hack down weeds, bushes, and trees. I can do that. It's within my control. And right now, it feels good to be able to see results of my efforts, on my own terms.
Still not feeling incredibly optimistic about Monday's blood work. I think I'll take another pregnancy test this weekend, just so I have a little bit more preparation, a bit more advanced warning.
I did wake up to some spotting this morning. Sorry, TMI, but just keeping it real. Not sure what it means though.
Off to grade papers and get some school work done. Pandora turned up and a cup of coffee in hand are getting me off on the right foot today!
Chris and I have the weekend planned out with lots of yard work and together time. It's how we handle stress. I can plant a garden and hack down weeds, bushes, and trees. I can do that. It's within my control. And right now, it feels good to be able to see results of my efforts, on my own terms.
Still not feeling incredibly optimistic about Monday's blood work. I think I'll take another pregnancy test this weekend, just so I have a little bit more preparation, a bit more advanced warning.
I did wake up to some spotting this morning. Sorry, TMI, but just keeping it real. Not sure what it means though.
Off to grade papers and get some school work done. Pandora turned up and a cup of coffee in hand are getting me off on the right foot today!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)