One year ago...

Today is May 2nd. Last year on this day, Chris's grandfather unexpectedly collapsed in front of us and then passed away after we were unable to revive him. The day was tragic in so many ways. 

I will never forget sitting in the grass while the hearse came for Chris's grandfather's body. It was then when my phone rang. A fertility clinic nurse was calling to tell me that another IVF round had failed. I wasn't pregnant. 

I so vividly remember hanging up and folding my face in my hands and crying harder. Sobbing, heart-wrenching cries to God. 

Where are you?

How can this be happening?

Do you hear me God?!

I'm sure you've had moments like that. Moments where you can't see or feel God. Moments where you feel isolated and misunderstood. You want to be comforted, yet there's no one who "gets it." God feels a million miles away.

Man... If we could only see the future we would know that we would come through those valleys stronger. If we could see the path ahead we would understand that God's plan is the right one, the one that is absolutely perfect for our lives. Easier said than done, I know... Sometimes life completely blinds us to the truths of who God is, who He's proven to be throughout our lives. 

I'm so thankful that those blind spots don't last forever. I'm grateful for the work of the Holy Spirit as my companion to guide me out of those bleak days.

Chris and I weren't healed from that painful day overnight. It's been a journey for us; we've talked and cried and prayed for understanding. We just wanted to understand WHY. 

Then our prayers changed. We simply started praying that God would give us peaceful hearts, even without any understanding of His ways. 

Sitting here, one year since that agonizing day, I CAN see God's hand at work in my life even though I CAN'T  see all of the reasoning behind each painful experience I've faced. Still, He's been good enough to give me some insight and the time to connect a few of the dots. He's creating a masterpiece. A messy, inconceivable-at-this-moment masterpiece called my life. He's using the dark times and the wonderful times. He's using them. Nothing is wasted. 

Wherever you are today, it is my earnest prayer that you be able to catch of glimpse of your Masterpiece Maker. Only a glimpse into His character and loving spirit can be just enough to pull us toward Him and toward the truth of who He is. 

Our lives aren't perfect. Our futures are unknown. So cling to what is known, the truths of who God is even when our lives look messy and hectic.