Somersaults

This morning we had our first appointment at Susquehanna OBGYN. We met with a sweet, experienced nurse named Virginia. For about an hour, we went over everything we did to get pregnant, and then she took my medical history. She had so many questions about Shady Grove and about the meds and procedures we completed prior to today's visit. She was sensitive and funny; all in all, a good visit.

We thought that today would also entail an ultrasound but our nurse told us that we hadn't been scheduled for one. Normally ultrasounds are done every four weeks and since most couples start at 8 weeks, then 12, then 16 etc. we were not scheduled for one. Technically, I am 11 weeks and a few days.

BUT- I think she saw the looks on our faces when we realized we were not going to be able to see the baby today. She sat us down in the waiting room, grabbed another nurse, and then brought us back to "have a quick ultrasound" to see the baby.

Today, the baby was doing somersaults in my womb! It was hysterical to see him/her jumping and moving around. He/she moves like an actual living thing. Fingers and toes, arms and legs! Below is a picture that is fuzzy (it's a picture of a picture of a picture so you get the point).

We go back next week for a few tests that have to be completed on Week 12 (which really is only in a few more days, but our appointment is next Friday) and then we will go back every four weeks until week 28.

God is good. As Chris says, "It's still in there!"

11 Weeks

I swore I would never publicly post photo after photo of my pregnant bump, but... (here comes my logic) this blog is doubling as an infertility/pregnancy journal for me, so of course, I need documentation! 

After first our appointment this Friday with the Susquehanna OBGYN midwives, we're going public! Details from the appointment coming soon. 

New Year's Eve

Well, it's New Year's Eve and I am on the couch. All day I've been fighting stomach "issues". Chris is such a keeper. I told him I felt guilty that we weren't going to be able to go out and have a more fun New Year's and he replied, "It's not every New Year's that your wife is pregnant. That's pretty fun, huh?!"

Christmas has come and gone in a whirlwind; living so close to both of our families is a blessing and a curse. We get to see everyone, but it is a crazy few days of flying around to different homes and dinners.

We told my siblings that we were pregnant on Christmas night. It was fun to be able to share the news with them... finally! They were thrilled and were visibly excited for us.

We wanted to share the news with the rest of our families (grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles etc). but prior to Christmas, we found out that Chris's cousin miscarried at 12 weeks. We thought it better to wait a few more weeks for a few reasons: 1) We wanted to be sensitive to their feelings of loss, and 2) we wanted to wait until we have fully reached the 12 week mark.

I have an appointment at Susquehanna OBGYN on January 11th. After that appointment/ultrasound, we should be all set to share the news.

It's funny-- it feels like it's been months since we found out we were pregnant, but at the same time, it's been a fun secret for Chris and I to share during this holiday season. It's like we have an AWESOME gift that no one knows about but us.

New Year's always causes one to reflect back to the years prior. I was reading through my blog entries from two years ago around this time. It speaks volumes to what God has done for us, even when we didn't see it happening:

9/20/11:


I feel completely empty as Chris and I just hacked through another discussion of pregnancy. We talked about our upcoming appointment to the "fertility specialist". I am feeling alone and scared because for right now, with something so huge, Chris and I are not on the same page.

The realization manifested itself tonight before dinner. A fierce debate ensued. Crying. Yelling.

Now as I sit to type my eyes are red and strained.

This, I see now, is the reason why so many marriages struggle or fall apart. The gaining of "a family" either naturally or not, is sometimes stressful. 

It's just hard because we are not seeing the same vision of a future right now.

Are we enough? Are the two of us enough? 

Do we adopt? Do we proceed with more fertility treatments? To what end? How much money do we sink into something that is not a secure bet?

Are we not trusting God enough? Are we not seeking Him enough? What should we do? These questions circle around my head incessantly. 

It's hard not to feel like I am being punished for something. That sounds so dramatic. But then again, when were we ever promised a child? When were we ever promised more than the abundance we currently have?

I'm just struggling here. Feeling "sad" doesn't really cover it, yet I am struggling to type what my heart and head communicate. 

God, I need you. Where are you?


It's painful and embarrassing to acknowledge that those words came from me. But at the same time, I am able to read them and see that God used our infertility to pull us closer to each other and closer to Him. 

We never voluntarily place ourselves in full-fledged trials, but on this New Year's 2013, He has given me some clarity about our struggles and the lessons to take from them. His grace is more than enough this year. 

A bittersweet graduation

Well, we've graduated from Shady Grove. The verb graduated sounds odd in conjunction with a fertility clinic. It just does. While we were smiling and authentically thankful to be taking the next step toward a regular, traditional pregnancy experience, it was sad to say goodbye to Dr. Sasson and the nurses whom have walked with us through the past few months.

We were able to see the baby via ultrasound again today and we could hear the heartbeat too--- 170 beats per minute:) Today we could see legs, arms, and the beginnings of a facial profile. The creation and growth of human life is absolutely miraculous; tears all around again today. I don't think I will ever get tired of staring at the image of our future baby (even if it does look a bit like an alien).

We were given exit instructions and a medication protocol. I will continue until January 3rd with the estrogen and progesterone meds and then wean off them completely. Dr. Sasson said, "You guys have to realize that you have now made it to the 5% miscarriage rate time; this is about as good as it can get for you. You need to have faith that the baby is not going anywhere. You should start treating this pregnancy in the same way any other person who did not go through fertility would treat it. The bottom line is that you guys are now completely normal!"

Of course he said the last line with a smile. He was trying to ease our fears and get us to view this pregnancy as not being a high risk one. While I am comforted by his optimism and encouragement, it is hard for me to look at this experience as anywhere near normal.

I guess the best way for me to view it is that while the journey to conception was a difficult one, the actual pregnancy is the same as any other, but still unique and new to us.

A few of my close friends have asked if I am going to tell more people about the pregnancy yet. Shockingly, internet world, we have not told our siblings and families beyond our parents to this point. Christmas is only three days away and it would be a fun time to share the news. At the same time, we are not to 12 weeks yet (the suggested milestone when couples should feel safe to share). But then again, not every pregnant couple has had perfect embryo selection and three confirmation ultrasounds by week 9.

What is the final verdict? I think we will tell our siblings but still keep it under wraps from anyone else until week 12. But who knows... my overwhelming Christmas spirit might dissuade our plan:)

'Tis the Season

'Tis the Season... for laziness! I apologize; I have not posted in over a week. I have a lack of ambition when it comes to basically anything. It is so weird! Normally, I can be compared to a tornado, constantly moving and aggressively working to wipe out my to-do list.

For about the last week, I have napped almost every day. For me, this is extremely strange. I am not a napper! And what's even more crazy is that I don't even intend to nap; I sit down on the couch and in less than five minutes, I'm out!

My nausea is still hanging around; I don't really feel hungry for anything. This friends, might be the biggest change of all! I am such a foodie. I start thinking about what delicious meal I plan to make for dinner at around 10 AM. With regard to Christmas meals, I usually start dreaming about prime rib and shrimp at the beginning of November. Now, even as I type, the typing of the word shrimp makes me scrunch up my nose in disgust. What is going on here!?

Just to solidify my point about my laziness: it's 4:19 PM and I am still in my pjs. Yes, this was one productive day. However, I do not want to complain; this is the best nausea I've encountered in my entire life! And, I've never heard of anyone dying from too many naps.

We had another check in with Dr. Sasson on Friday. The second ultrasound was even more fun because the baby doubled in size in just a week. The very second Dr. Sasson turned on the machine, we were able to see the "blob" on the screen. Hearing and seeing the heartbeat again solidified the truth that there is something in there!

We head back to Shady Grove this Friday for one final visit. It is bittersweet for sure. I have grown so attached to Dr. Sasson and the staff at Shady Grove, yet I am thrilled to be at the point where we are "graduating" from that clinic.

Chris and I were talking about what we could give to Dr. Sasson and the nurses as a thank-you. What do you give to people who have given you such a gift? I have a difficult time even expressing my thanks verbally let alone a tangible gift.

In the same moment, I think about my Heavenly Father who orchestrated it all, the mastermind behind IVF and our journey to parenthood. What can I give Him? How can I praise Him enough for the joy that He has allowed us to experience this Christmas?

I can give Him Baby Knipe. I promise to raise this child to have a heart for God and to glorify Him in all things. That pledge is about the best that I can offer.

Teeny, tiny, blinking heart!

It's been a few days since I have posted. The combination of holiday busyness and the general feeling of nausea that I have been experiencing of late can be be attributed to my lack of blog productivity. Sorry!

To get you up to speed, I will recap Friday's visit to Shady Grove. To be honest, Chris and I arrived to see Dr. Sasson with the almost certainty that we were pregnant with twins. I didn't post much about this just because I wanted to wait until we had ultrasound confirmation. Dr. Sasson told me multiple times that my high HCG levels were indicative of multiple births. That added to the known fact that we chose a two-embryo transfer contributed to Chris and my near certainty that I was carrying twins.

We arrived at the office and were taken back to the ultrasound room. Dr. Sasson eagerly greeted us; he said that if we were lucky, we would get to see a heartbeat on the screen. Apparently, at around six weeks, the heart starts beating. Last Friday, I was six weeks and one day, so we were hopeful that we would get to see an actual heartbeat.

The more pressing question was how many heartbeats we might be able to see. For a solid two minutes, Dr. Sasson looked around my uterus and didn't say anything. I was rigidly staring at the screen, praying that something would be in there! He kept telling me to breathe.

Breathe? Yeah, right! I was staring at the screen, anxiously awaiting some blob or mass that could be a baby.

And then, I saw it--- a teeny tiny flickering heart inside a sac. Even though I could barely see the form of a baby, seeing a beating heart was enough to bring us to tears.

Dr. Sasson did some more searching and didn't see another sac or another heartbeat. He did believe that two embryos originally implanted because my early HCG numbers were so high. However, at some point in the last week, we lost one of the babies.

I wrote in an earlier post that I never imagined I would be disappointed after hearing I was actually pregnant. But to be honest, my heart did sink a bit because Chris and I so definitely thought we would be adding two babies to our family this summer. At the same time, we were thrilled to have seen one heartbeat. It was such an odd, contradictory, happy-sad emotion, one that I have not exactly felt before.

Dr. Sasson spoke with us a while longer and covered the medications I need to continue to take (continue Estrogen and Progesterone twice daily until I reach eight weeks) and he went over my restrictions. At this point, he advised that I not do an strenuous activities, especially any activity that could be jolting. So it looks like I am going to be a walker for the next few weeks.

We will have another ultrasound this Friday and then another next Friday. After our third total ultrasound, we will "graduate" from Shady Grove. Weird, but good. I can't imagine not having Dr. Sasson be a part of my pregnancy and delivery, as he has been such an integral part in getting us to this point. However, he assured us that he will be speaking with my Williamsport OBGYN to get him/her up to speed.

Today, a few days after our first ultrasound, Chris and I have been able to process and work through our sadness over the lost baby, and we have been able to start gearing up for the unbelievable, incredible realization that I AM pregnant; this summer, we are going to hold a real, live baby!

Secrets

It's been about ten days since we got the official word on our positive pregnancy. I still pause throughout the day to revel in the joy that we will have a new addition to our family this summer. I have to say, it's been hard keeping my joy from bubbling up to the surface publicly. This secret-keeping thing is hard! I can keep secrets when they are serious, or when they must be prayed over. However, it's the exciting secrets that are hard ones to keep.

I actually had a flashback to age eight, when my parents told my brothers and me that they were pregnant with my sister. I so vividly remember the conversation. It was a weeknight. We were eating spaghetti and meatballs. My parents were seated at opposite ends of the table, whilst Ben, Dan, and I fought over who would get the last piece of garlic bread. I remember my parents being particularly quiet.

Mom: Your father has something he wants to tell you.

Dad: No, your mom has something to tell you.

Ben: Tell us what?  Are we finally getting horses for in the barn? (Side note: Prior to my parent's announcement of a new baby for our family, my brothers and I spent weeks cleaning out the barn with the promise of two horses and a pasture being held over our heads by our parents).

Mom: No, you're not getting horses. You are going to get another brother or sister. I am pregnant.

Neither one of my parents looked overjoyed at this proclamation  Instead, they sat at the table, quietly, still in disbelief that they would be adding a tag-along-kid to the Meckbach clan.

I, conversely  jumped out of my chair and proceeded to do cartwheels in the kitchen, screaming at the top of my lungs! At last, after years of being beat up, tortured, and teased, I would get to have a younger sibling to smother-mother. Both Dan and Ben seemed less than amused. In fact, Ben, being thirteen, was able to connect the dots that yes, his parents, actually did have sex. Gross. Dan, on the other hand, demanded that this new baby be a boy; if it was a girl, he was having no part in it. And, he insisted we better still be getting the horses.**

I remember my mom tucking me into bed that night. She talked about secrets and how this new baby was going to be a just-for-our-family-to-know secret for a while longer. I promised not to tell ANYONE, not even my bus driver, or my grandmother. 

Well, I was able to successfully keep the secret for nine hours (while sleeping). The next day, I announced to everyone at Loyalsock Valley Elementary School that my mom was pregnant!

The next night, after getting multiple congratulatory phone calls, my mom sat me down and asked me if I had told anyone that she was pregnant. Yikes. I was caught. I told her that I did and waited for some kind of punishment.

It never came. I think my mom realized that the secret of a new life added to our family was just too big for an eight year old future-older-sister-to-be to keep.

And so here I am, twenty years later, attempting to keep my own secret. 

Tomorrow, we head down to Shady Grove for our first ultrasound. I am excited to for once, actually see something in my uterus! For months, I have been staring at an empty uterus on the screen, looking at a literal void that I so figuratively felt. I have a feeling that I will be talking to the screen, similarly to the way I spoke to the Expectant Mother Parking Sign: Take that!

We will also be finding out whether we have one or two babies. I have been praying that God would help us get a handle on this situation. Never in a million years would I have thought I would be disappointed at finding out I was pregnant with one baby. It is hard now, however, because we know there is a chance that two babies are growing inside of me. It is difficult to control our expectations when we know way more about embryos and the reproductive process than we should.

And so the reminder hits me once more, that God has so perfectly carved for us His plan for our parenthood. He knows what we can handle and what is best for our lives, right here and right now. Even in our unknown, He is there and He knows all.


**Just in case you were wondering, we never did get the horses. But to this day, my sweet Carolyn is a way better gift!