Nerves

Debbie just called with our transfer time for Saturday: 10 AM.

A wave of nerves just smacked against me. Good nerves, like the kind you feel before you step on stage, or the kind you get right before you hear the starting gun explode before a race.

Nerves nonetheless.

Every time the hope of pregnancy creeps up inside me, I try to squash it down so I don't set myself up for even more pain. Truth is though, that disappointment is disappointment, whether now or later.

Please God. Please let this be the time it works.

Even as I type those words, I fear, I pray, I hope.

Feelings...Leading up to FET # 3

I have no clue how it happened, but we've somehow arrived at the end of January. I've just returned from a whirlwind work trip to Memphis; I successfully navigated the Blizzard of 2016 in the NorthEast and made it back safely to Williamsport late last night. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out!

Preparing for and traveling to/from the work trip was a great diversion from this current FET cycle. I did have to bring some meds with me on the trip (my shots passed through security but I did have a doctor's note just in case).

And now I'm here, the Monday before the Saturday when we transfer a little Knipe embryo. In in five days we will be catapulted back into the dreaded two-week-wait.

I do it every cycle: I somehow manage to detach from the process for the most part. I am able to chug through my busy/sweet/exhausting/exhilarating/mundane days with Chris and Gabe until... SMACK. The realization occurs that soon, a six-day-old life will placed in my uterus. I can't detach from that. 

And that means I have to feel. Feeling is scary. Feeling underscores that I am a human, someone who can be elated or crushed. Happy or sad. Brave or scared. Feeling is scary.

But some feelings can be good. 

I feel at peace with the decision we made that this FET will be our last for a few years. We had to draw a line somewhere. God helped us see this line. This is where we part ways from fertility-land either way, if we're pregnant or if we're not.

I feel united with Chris. We are a team. Whatever happens, we will be together in it and come out together too.

I feel the desire to cling to what I know to be true about who God is and what His promises are for me.

I feel many emotions today... And in fifteen minutes, I might feel something completely different. For now, I am hopeful yet guarded, if that combination can be understood.

I know God gets me. He understands right where I am. He's with me. I feel it.

Not only ONE WAY

I have a Day 3 baseline ultrasound and bloodwork appointment in Harrisburg tomorrow.... I have to admit that a month away from the fertility circus was so wonderful. I actually went DAYS without thinking about my uterus. Really. I did. And it was glorious.

To recap, we have two frozen embryos remaining from our October IVF cycle. We have done one frozen embryo transfer (in Nov) and that did not work. We plan to do another frozen embryo transfer this month (Jan 28th). If that doesn't work, we are pulling away from fertility land and heading to adoption.

Yes, we will still have one frozen embryo remaining. That little potential life will be something we pursue a few years from now, after we adopt (if that's what God's planning for us?!). Chris came up with this "plan" of sorts, and I feel peaceful about it.

Will it be difficult if this January embryo doesn't want to stick around with us? YES. Will we move forward as a family? YES.

I was reminded of something my therapist said to me a few months back. We (as humans) usually have ONE WAY in mind for how we want something to go. We have ONE WAY that we think will work. We have ONE WAY we'd prefer.

Sometimes though, God teaches us, shows us, that THERE CAN BE MORE THAN ONE WAY.

Those words are heavy and hard to take in all at once, especially for control freaks like me who think they know it all. Slowly though, I am beginning to accept this idea; God's way is the best way and He loves me enough to plan the BEST way for me, even when it doesn't match up with my version of MY best way.

The Answer is God.

A friend shared this article with me yesterday. It was helpful; perhaps you can benefit from reading it too:

http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/if-i-only-knew-why

What's next?

It was a painful wait at the lab at the hospital this morning. I hadn't thought about the fact that a lab could resemble the DMV on a Monday morning. It certainly can.

I sat in the waiting room for almost an hour before hearing my name called back. The nurse looked at my lab slip, seeing that the blood work ordered was for a pregnancy test to be sent off to Shady Grove.

I just smiled, trying to hide my sadness.

I'm 99% sure I know what the phone call from Shady Grove will entail, a negative report that I'm not pregnant.  And yet, here I am. Sitting on the couch at 2:15 PM eagerly waiting for the call.

So much waiting.

Last night Chris and I had our very first, Chris-initiated, open discussion about adoption:

"I think we need to start becoming more aware of what adoption entails, what questions we need to ask, what scenarios we're okay with, what resources are even in our area."

I was shocked. I didn't expect him to step up onto the adoption train so soon, let alone be at the station.

"Yes. Good idea. I'll order some books," I said.

"I think we should do the next embryo transfer in January or February, and then if it doesn't work, we need to pursue adoption head on."

"You don't want to try both remaining embryos first?" I asked.

"No. I just don't want adoption to feel like it's last place. I feel like God has been preparing us for something here and I don't want to avoid His prompting any longer."

So I do what I do when I don't know what's coming down the pike--- I research. I ordered seven books.

And I pray. Words are hard to find. I know God knows my heart though.

What's next, God? What's next? 

At 4:30 today the nurse from Shady Grove called. Negative.

11 Days Post Transfer

Because I am insane, I peed on a stick again this morning.  Negative. For the record, I spent over $50 on pregnancy tests this week. I know. I'm a compulsive test taker. It's like the person who opens the oven door ten times while the cookies bake, just to see if they are done.

I know God's not done teaching me something through this sadness. My heart aches. I cried, sobbed this morning after Gabe went to nursery school. I sat at the kitchen table and just bawled. And then, like God does, He speaks.

I was reading my devotional and was pointed to Psalms 118-- "This is the day the Lord has made. Let's us rejoice and be glad in it."

Instead of focusing on the second part of the verse cynically (How can I rejoice today when I'm sad and angry?!) I felt myself really digging into the first part of the verse--

THIS IS THE DAY THE LORD HAS MADE.

He made it. He knew what would happen today. He willed this day into existence. It was in His perfect plan for me all along. While I think this fertility struggle is far from perfect, His plan for me is NOT TO HARM me. He loves me. He made this day. That's the truth.

I'm okay. Sad, but trusting Him.  The negative result today, this cycle, isn't what I want. But it's what He has planned for this day. I have to trust that in days down the line, I'll figure out why.

9 Days Post Transfer

Negative HPT this morning.

It's amazing how my eyes can stare deep into a white plastic stick, practically wishing another line into existence. Maybe if I hold it differently? Look at it under a different light?

Negatory. Nothing. Zilch.

Having hope while being a realist is a tough road to travel sometimes.

I've Googled using more fertility-related acronyms than I can count. Googling stinks. Just don't do it.

All the while, through the pain of very real disappointment and a little bit of anger, I am clinging to what I know about God, what I have to believe: He loves me so much that he would never cause anything to happen (or not happen) if it weren't exactly in His plan, the best plan, for my life.