Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Round Two?

Almost two months since my last post! How can this be?! Our days have been busy and jumbled, glorious and exhausting. But such is life in the Knipe house with a curious toddler running the joint.

I may be writing more posts in the coming weeks and months as Chris and I have decided to head back to fertility-ville (AKA Shady Grove) for round two. I don't know if I'm ready for it. I mean, I think I'm ready for another baby in this house, but I don't think I'm ready to face the potential disappointment and emotional stress of IVF and failed fertility cycles, again.

Last week, I called Shady Grove to schedule an appointment to talk about options and a timeline. Even while I heard myself calling and making the appointment, I couldn't believe we were doing this again. I'm not excited. I am kind of numb about it, which is a strange thing to feel about trying to add to our family.

For those of you whom have yet to conceive, whom are in the midst of your struggle, I know you are reading this with disdain thinking, Oh yeah. Must be SO hard to go back and try to have ANOTHER baby.

I know. I hated people who were writing about secondary infertility because it made me jealous because they ALREADY HAD ONE. Gosh. Be grateful already.

But then Gabe happened. I became a mom and I realized even more how precious and wonderful and draining and mesmerizing motherhood and parenthood can be; I want more of it. If that makes me selfish, then yes, I am. I am selfish. I want more. And I hope that you will one day find yourself in this exact place, secretly apologizing to first-time mothers in waiting.

Round two already seems to have so many obstacles before it. Finances, needed babysitters for Gabe, the schedule juggling at work... I'm just not looking forward to it. During round one, I really only needed to focus on me. Myself. Now, I have to worry about Gabe, trying to ensure that he is taken care of while I'm in stirrups or shooting myself up with hormones. Is it fair to him to have me not-so-present in his life for a few months? Conversely, doesn't he deserve a sibling to pal around with? Maybe deserve is a poor word choice. I don't know.

I am just not feeling it right now. I don't know if I can face this again.

 This post has sounded like a pity party from the lady who has a baby already. I know that. But you have to let me vent here, or else I'll just keep it bottled up and that's bad news all around.

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