Thursday, December 10, 2015

The Answer is God.

A friend shared this article with me yesterday. It was helpful; perhaps you can benefit from reading it too:

Monday, December 7, 2015

What's next?

It was a painful wait at the lab at the hospital this morning. I hadn't thought about the fact that a lab could resemble the DMV on a Monday morning. It certainly can.

I sat in the waiting room for almost an hour before hearing my name called back. The nurse looked at my lab slip, seeing that the blood work ordered was for a pregnancy test to be sent off to Shady Grove.

I just smiled, trying to hide my sadness.

I'm 99% sure I know what the phone call from Shady Grove will entail, a negative report that I'm not pregnant.  And yet, here I am. Sitting on the couch at 2:15 PM eagerly waiting for the call.

So much waiting.

Last night Chris and I had our very first, Chris-initiated, open discussion about adoption:

"I think we need to start becoming more aware of what adoption entails, what questions we need to ask, what scenarios we're okay with, what resources are even in our area."

I was shocked. I didn't expect him to step up onto the adoption train so soon, let alone be at the station.

"Yes. Good idea. I'll order some books," I said.

"I think we should do the next embryo transfer in January or February, and then if it doesn't work, we need to pursue adoption head on."

"You don't want to try both remaining embryos first?" I asked.

"No. I just don't want adoption to feel like it's last place. I feel like God has been preparing us for something here and I don't want to avoid His prompting any longer."

So I do what I do when I don't know what's coming down the pike--- I research. I ordered seven books.

And I pray. Words are hard to find. I know God knows my heart though.

What's next, God? What's next? 

At 4:30 today the nurse from Shady Grove called. Negative.

Friday, December 4, 2015

11 Days Post Transfer

Because I am insane, I peed on a stick again this morning.  Negative. For the record, I spent over $50 on pregnancy tests this week. I know. I'm a compulsive test taker. It's like the person who opens the oven door ten times while the cookies bake, just to see if they are done.

I know God's not done teaching me something through this sadness. My heart aches. I cried, sobbed this morning after Gabe went to nursery school. I sat at the kitchen table and just bawled. And then, like God does, He speaks.

I was reading my devotional and was pointed to Psalms 118-- "This is the day the Lord has made. Let's us rejoice and be glad in it."

Instead of focusing on the second part of the verse cynically (How can I rejoice today when I'm sad and angry?!) I felt myself really digging into the first part of the verse--


He made it. He knew what would happen today. He willed this day into existence. It was in His perfect plan for me all along. While I think this fertility struggle is far from perfect, His plan for me is NOT TO HARM me. He loves me. He made this day. That's the truth.

I'm okay. Sad, but trusting Him.  The negative result today, this cycle, isn't what I want. But it's what He has planned for this day. I have to trust that in days down the line, I'll figure out why.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

9 Days Post Transfer

Negative HPT this morning.

It's amazing how my eyes can stare deep into a white plastic stick, practically wishing another line into existence. Maybe if I hold it differently? Look at it under a different light?

Negatory. Nothing. Zilch.

Having hope while being a realist is a tough road to travel sometimes.

I've Googled using more fertility-related acronyms than I can count. Googling stinks. Just don't do it.

All the while, through the pain of very real disappointment and a little bit of anger, I am clinging to what I know about God, what I have to believe: He loves me so much that he would never cause anything to happen (or not happen) if it weren't exactly in His plan, the best plan, for my life.