Monday, June 29, 2015

Fantastic Resource

I was honored to share my infertility story to date with Heather Huhman, founder of the podcast Beat Infertility. I hope it can provide you with hope and inspire you as it has me.

Beat Infertility Podcast Link

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Perspectives from Jonah

This morning I was reading Jonah. I found scribbled notes in my Bible's margins from a Jonah sermon. Think beyond the Jonah and the whale story. Think about what comes next, in Jonah Chapter 4. 

I've admittedly been angry with God lately. I see myself in Jonah's actions, as he sits, angry at God for killing his stupid vine, when meanwhile, there were thousands of people unsaved. 

"Is it right for you to be angry?" God asked. 

I know that's me. I am Jonah in this moment. I know my anger is hindering my ability to be used by God, even in everyday interactions with others. I feel surrounded by anger, grief, and disappointment. I know this is just a tough time. Chris and I remind each other of that every day. It's not forever. 

But what about now?  

I'm still allowed to be angry, right? I'm standing here, waiting for Him. In that waiting though, how do I get my eyes of off my current struggles to see what He wants, to see the many, many good things He's given me that I don't deserve?

There have been days when I've looked my Bible with resentment. I'm not picking that up today. I'm blocking it out, Him out. 

And then,  there are times like today when I think, I have NOTHING BUT HIS WORD to help me understand His ways.  And I'm thankful (still mad though) but thankful for His desire to WANT to speak to me this morning. 

Thursday, June 11, 2015

And so here we are. Still here.

I haven't really been posting much lately. I've been feeling apathetic about all things fertility in an effort to just pretend we don't have to deal with it. It works for a while, but then thoughts of fertility world start creeping back into my brain. So, while I've got those thoughts on the brain, and have a second to myself, I'll update you on some developments.

A few weeks ago, I had a phone consult with Dr. S to discuss any potential reasons for my last failed IVF cycle, as well as the potential reason(s) why we did not even come out of the fresh cycle with any remaining embryos.

His answer: "I don't know."


He went on to say that my 30-year-old body isn't responding like a typical 30-year-old. With the amount of hormone stimulants I've been given, I should be producing between 15-30 eggs at retrieval. This past cycle, four were retrieved, with only two for transfer in the end.

Instead, he said, I was responding like I was in my mid 40s.

He does want to change the protocol moving forward to see if that can make a positive difference in my egg retrieval numbers. He wants me to plan out my next fresh cycle, two plus months in advance, to ensure that we are really coming into retrieval with the best possible scenario.

I hope that will be the case as this is, mark my words, our LAST CHANCE at IVF (unless we hit the lottery). We have one more cycle that we've paid for (or at least have the loans out to pay for!)

We are currently saving for the $6,000 of meds we need to go along with that last cycle. I had hoped to try in September, but I don't think we are going to be there financially. I also don't think I am going to be there emotionally.

The failure of the last cycle coupled with the unexpected death of Chris's grandfather have put us in a difficult place emotionally. It's hard for me to be the cheerleader right now. It's hard for Chris to be pumped up when he is helping his family work through the details of his grandfather's death. Chris is grieving too.

We've never encountered a period in our marriage like this to date. Eight years and counting and in most situations, one of us is the optimist, the one pushing the other through. Right now, we're both kind of stagnant. We are talking about how to support each other though, and I think that's crucial to our ability to remain a team, even in our different kinds of grief right now.

I know it won't be like this forever, but right now, it's just hard.

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

"Everything Happens for a Reason"... Does it?

This post made SO much sense to me, especially in the place where I am, in this moment.