Thursday, January 28, 2016


Debbie just called with our transfer time for Saturday: 10 AM.

A wave of nerves just smacked against me. Good nerves, like the kind you feel before you step on stage, or the kind you get right before you hear the starting gun explode before a race.

Nerves nonetheless.

Every time the hope of pregnancy creeps up inside me, I try to squash it down so I don't set myself up for even more pain. Truth is though, that disappointment is disappointment, whether now or later.

Please God. Please let this be the time it works.

Even as I type those words, I fear, I pray, I hope.

Monday, January 25, 2016

Feelings...Leading up to FET # 3

I have no clue how it happened, but we've somehow arrived at the end of January. I've just returned from a whirlwind work trip to Memphis; I successfully navigated the Blizzard of 2016 in the NorthEast and made it back safely to Williamsport late last night. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out!

Preparing for and traveling to/from the work trip was a great diversion from this current FET cycle. I did have to bring some meds with me on the trip (my shots passed through security but I did have a doctor's note just in case).

And now I'm here, the Monday before the Saturday when we transfer a little Knipe embryo. In in five days we will be catapulted back into the dreaded two-week-wait.

I do it every cycle: I somehow manage to detach from the process for the most part. I am able to chug through my busy/sweet/exhausting/exhilarating/mundane days with Chris and Gabe until... SMACK. The realization occurs that soon, a six-day-old life will placed in my uterus. I can't detach from that. 

And that means I have to feel. Feeling is scary. Feeling underscores that I am a human, someone who can be elated or crushed. Happy or sad. Brave or scared. Feeling is scary.

But some feelings can be good. 

I feel at peace with the decision we made that this FET will be our last for a few years. We had to draw a line somewhere. God helped us see this line. This is where we part ways from fertility-land either way, if we're pregnant or if we're not.

I feel united with Chris. We are a team. Whatever happens, we will be together in it and come out together too.

I feel the desire to cling to what I know to be true about who God is and what His promises are for me.

I feel many emotions today... And in fifteen minutes, I might feel something completely different. For now, I am hopeful yet guarded, if that combination can be understood.

I know God gets me. He understands right where I am. He's with me. I feel it.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Not only ONE WAY

I have a Day 3 baseline ultrasound and bloodwork appointment in Harrisburg tomorrow.... I have to admit that a month away from the fertility circus was so wonderful. I actually went DAYS without thinking about my uterus. Really. I did. And it was glorious.

To recap, we have two frozen embryos remaining from our October IVF cycle. We have done one frozen embryo transfer (in Nov) and that did not work. We plan to do another frozen embryo transfer this month (Jan 28th). If that doesn't work, we are pulling away from fertility land and heading to adoption.

Yes, we will still have one frozen embryo remaining. That little potential life will be something we pursue a few years from now, after we adopt (if that's what God's planning for us?!). Chris came up with this "plan" of sorts, and I feel peaceful about it.

Will it be difficult if this January embryo doesn't want to stick around with us? YES. Will we move forward as a family? YES.

I was reminded of something my therapist said to me a few months back. We (as humans) usually have ONE WAY in mind for how we want something to go. We have ONE WAY that we think will work. We have ONE WAY we'd prefer.

Sometimes though, God teaches us, shows us, that THERE CAN BE MORE THAN ONE WAY.

Those words are heavy and hard to take in all at once, especially for control freaks like me who think they know it all. Slowly though, I am beginning to accept this idea; God's way is the best way and He loves me enough to plan the BEST way for me, even when it doesn't match up with my version of MY best way.