Thursday, May 7, 2015

Making a trek out of the valley

If it seems like I'm in a bit of a valley right now, it's true. I'm starting to climb out, but I'm not there yet.

I haven't posted because we have just experienced a loss in our family that has consumed every moment since last Saturday. Chris's grandfather passed away unexpectedly on Saturday morning.

If you'll recall, Friday I went to the hospital to get bloodwork done to find out if our embryo transfer was successful. We didn't hear back from Shady Grove that day because our lab here in Williamsport was delayed in sending it to them (shocker). Friday night Chris and I went out on a date and Chris's parents kept Gabe overnight. It was good to reconnect and have a night out after the weeks of doctor visits and IVF hormones. We talked at dinner about the very real possibility that I wasn't pregnant. We started coming to terms with it, sadly, but surely.

We woke up Saturday morning and did some yard work, something that is tricky when we have Gabe with us. We jumped in the car late morning to go pick up Gabe from Chris's parents. When we pulled into the driveway at his parent's house, we saw that no one was home. Because Chris's grandparents only live a half mile up the road, we thought they might be there visiting. We drove up the driveway to see Chris's parents' arms waving to us, both with distressed looks.

Chris's grandfather had suffered a heart attack and at that moment, we needed to start CPR. Chris began CPR and continued until the ambulance came; another 45 minutes of CPR and the EMTs declared that Chris's grandfather had passed away.

It was a traumatic experience for all who witnessed it. It was worse for Chris because he and his grandfather Ernie held such a deep, special bond. Ernie was Chris's best man in our wedding. He never missed one of Chris's concerts or football games, or birthdays. He and Chris talked weekly. Chris considered him a father figure and an incredible man of faith. Many of the qualities I love about Chris are qualities his grandfather modeled.

As for as the failed pregnancy, honestly, we haven't had time to process it. I got a voicemail from Shady Grove only minutes after the hearse left Chris's grandfather's house, telling us that we were not pregnant. The timing of the day was just incredible.

A few days have gone by. The funeral was yesterday. Chris spoke and I sang and it was a lovely tribute to a sweet, faithful man.

I know Ernie loved Gabe and loved seeing his grandson so happy as a new father. His unexpected passing is just another reminder that God is in control. He's sovereign. His timing is His timing; we don't get to dictate it. Even in my sadness, I am ever so mindful of the gift that I have in Chris as my husband and Gabe as my son. I don't want to ever take that for granted.

Friday, May 1, 2015

11 days post transfer

Last night, I started bleeding. Bright red.

I sat on the toilet and cried.

Chris and I climbed in bed and just held in each other in silence, me with a blotchy face, swollen eyes. Ticked, I grabbed my phone and typed out a staccato email to our Shady Grove nurse, Debbie:

Tested today. It was negative. Bleeding bright red now. Can I go get the blood test tomorrow, to put myself out of this misery? Please don't make us wait until Monday. Need to know for sure so we can get a grip here.

Her reply: Go ahead. We will call you when the lab sends us your results.

I went to the lab this morning. I'm just waiting for a phone call anytime. Pull the plug already. Rip off the bandaid. I can't sit in this place much longer.

I told Chris I am 98% sure I'm not pregnant. Who knows why I still cling to 2%. I think Chris is like 75% no, 25% yes, for no justifiable reason at all.

So when we 100% know, what are our next steps? I don't know for sure. I know we have one more cycle paid for, minus the meds. I know we need time away from the fertility roller-coaster though. It was exciting at first, but I'm over it today.

You know the feeling you get when you first get to an amusement park? Oh wow! So fun! This takes me back to my childhood! You're excited to eat that amazing fried food, jump onto a ton of rides and get your face painted.... After a few hours though, the thrills lessen. The food actually isn't that great. You've got gum stuck on your shoe, and you're kind of grumpy.

We are past kind of grumpy. We are exhausted and ready to leave. We will come back. We know. Just not anytime soon.