ROUND TWO: Day 2, after retrieval

Do you know what's weird and insanely hard to put into words? The feeling I have when I hear the phone ring and it's Shady Grove on the caller ID, calling us to update us on how many potential Knipe human lives are still living in their lab. As stated yesterday, we have three mature, fertilized eggs. Today, we have two four-cell embryos, and one two-cell embryo; still at 3 total.

I remember being nervous last time, wondering if IVF would work, but I don't remember being this nervous about this specific phase of the cycle. We had such good number last time so we knew we had good odds to get to transfer day with at least something to transfer. Now, Chris and I are on pins and needles just wondering if there is going to be anything to transfer on Monday.

We are still at three. Maria called from the lab and said she would hope to see 6-8 cell embryos tomorrow. She will call to update us tomorrow afternoon.

ROUND TWO: Pre-Retrieval

Last night, Chris got to give me a shot in the bum which acted as a trigger for ovulation. Egg retrieval is set for tomorrow morning at 7:45 AM. We are planning to head to Philly tonight and get a hotel, as the timing of tomorrow's appointment is critical. We wouldn't want a flat tire or traffic to impact our ability to get there on time!

This morning I did not (THANKFULLY) have to go to Shady Grove for monitoring (my first morning not in a car in four days!) Apparently with an HCG Novarelle shot, there does not need to be any bloodwork done the following day. This trigger was different from the Lupron dual trigger I had before. I asked about the change in protocol and the nurse told me it was because of my estrogen levels. She wasn't concerned and just said things are "a little different" this time around.

As I write, I am so in awe of just how DIFFERENT everything has been this time around. I can't really explain it. Things with Chris and I are good though; we are a team. Last night's bum-shot was entertaining to say the least:)

I am so intrigued to know how many eggs they will be able to retrieve tomorrow. At yesterday's appointment, it appeared that there were around 7. This is less than last time, but hey, we only need one good one.

Each day after tomorrow, Shady Grove will call us and let us know how the embryos are doing; how many, their grade, shape etc. I haven't really allowed myself to think about this process not working. I've honestly been so busy between work and Gabe and monitoring to let the thought sit very long in my head. I hope that the next five days until transfer are quick ones. 

ROUND TWO: Monitoring Mania... Again

I've not been good at updating the blog this round; sorry. Life is hectic. Today marked the third trek to Philly this week. The Harrisburg office is not open for ultrasounds because their tech is on vacation. While I totally understand the need for a vaca, it is amazing to me that a fertility center only has ONE person qualified to do ultrasounds?!

Anyhow, tomorrow starts the final countdown, with visits tomorrow, Sunday, Monday, maybe Tuesday, and then egg retrieval Wednesday.

My hormone levels and follicles look good and are growing.

Poor Gabe is being juggled around a bit between two babysitters and my in-laws. I think he is faring well though; he's getting lots of snuggles and one-on-one play time with fun people!

ROUND TWO: It's Happening.

What someone should have told me before we started this second-go at IVF is that it wouldn't be anything like our first round. From what I read online (obviously a reliable source) the second IVF round is supposed to be easier because you know what to expect. You know what's coming.

Here's the thing: So far, this round has been harder because we've had certain hurdles that weren't present the first time: Finding a babysitter so I can go to Philly and back, paying for IVF when there are other bills in the mix that weren't a few years ago etc. This round, we are requiring ICSI , when we didn't need that last time. This time, we have to pay for all of my medications ($$$!!!) because our updated insurance policy no longer covers fertility meds. This round, I am taking a few different meds, with higher dosages. This round, we are splitting our time between Shady Grove in Philly and Harrisburg. This time, Chris is watching Gabe while I go to many appointments alone.

I am selfish. I want what I know. What I had before.

It's not the emotional roller coaster of wanting to simple have a child, like it was in round one. Having Gabe really does help in that respect (of course I want to experience it again!) Having had the chance to be pregnant before helps too. It's now just the overwhelming desire for a FAMILY beyond one child. For siblings for Gabe. 

To be honest, this IVF cycle has felt like we are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It's like, the second I feel a burden lifted, something else happens that makes me feel uneasy all over again. I have been on the phone with the bank 11 times in 3 days. I am not kidding. Today, I was on hold with a banker and Gabe magically made his diaper explode. What ensued was not pretty: Me trying to remain on hold (for fear if I hung up I would loose the ONE person who actually was trying to help me) whilst diaper changing...Toddler excrement abounded.

I wrote earlier that I was just ticked that we had to do this again. I was ticked that we couldn't just experience procreation without financial penalty or physical hurdles. There have been a number of days when I've really gotten over that annoyance, that anger. Really. I have!Then, there are days like today when I am mad all over again. I don't know if that goes away with time?

It's Holy Week. The week that we as Christians pause to remember the sacrifices that Jesus made for each and every one of our salvations. We were challenged by our Pastor to spend 4 days where we just PRAISED God and THANKED Him for his sacrifice and for the blessings He's given to us. That was more of a challenge than I ever thought it could be. Especially during a time that I've not been feeling very thankful.

But something has helped me: Each day this week, a song lyric has been running through my head- God is fighting for us. Pushing out the darkness. He has overcome. Yes, He has overcome! 

The one thing that I CAN selfishly claim is that I am a daughter of the One True King, the one who is fighting for me even when I can't see what's coming. The one who is fighting for me even when I am ugly and selfish and don't like myself very much. That' a pretty amazing God.



As for the Round II Schedule:
Start injections 4/3 for 10-12 days. Then egg retrieval. Then transfer. Then 2 week wait to see if it worked.

Round Two?

Almost two months since my last post! How can this be?! Our days have been busy and jumbled, glorious and exhausting. But such is life in the Knipe house with a curious toddler running the joint.

I may be writing more posts in the coming weeks and months as Chris and I have decided to head back to fertility-ville (AKA Shady Grove) for round two. I don't know if I'm ready for it. I mean, I think I'm ready for another baby in this house, but I don't think I'm ready to face the potential disappointment and emotional stress of IVF and failed fertility cycles, again.

Last week, I called Shady Grove to schedule an appointment to talk about options and a timeline. Even while I heard myself calling and making the appointment, I couldn't believe we were doing this again. I'm not excited. I am kind of numb about it, which is a strange thing to feel about trying to add to our family.

For those of you whom have yet to conceive, whom are in the midst of your struggle, I know you are reading this with disdain thinking, Oh yeah. Must be SO hard to go back and try to have ANOTHER baby.

I know. I hated people who were writing about secondary infertility because it made me jealous because they ALREADY HAD ONE. Gosh. Be grateful already.

But then Gabe happened. I became a mom and I realized even more how precious and wonderful and draining and mesmerizing motherhood and parenthood can be; I want more of it. If that makes me selfish, then yes, I am. I am selfish. I want more. And I hope that you will one day find yourself in this exact place, secretly apologizing to first-time mothers in waiting.

Round two already seems to have so many obstacles before it. Finances, needed babysitters for Gabe, the schedule juggling at work... I'm just not looking forward to it. During round one, I really only needed to focus on me. Myself. Now, I have to worry about Gabe, trying to ensure that he is taken care of while I'm in stirrups or shooting myself up with hormones. Is it fair to him to have me not-so-present in his life for a few months? Conversely, doesn't he deserve a sibling to pal around with? Maybe deserve is a poor word choice. I don't know.

I am just not feeling it right now. I don't know if I can face this again.

 This post has sounded like a pity party from the lady who has a baby already. I know that. But you have to let me vent here, or else I'll just keep it bottled up and that's bad news all around.