Control Freak

And the crazy-psycho planning begins. Again. Oh, and some stream-of-consciousness writing:

I just pulled out my calendar from the last time we did IVF to try to nail down a general timeframe for everything. I am a control freak. I need to know what's coming. My calendar is essential.

I started taking pre-natal pills this morning. Strange.

I'm excited at the prospect of pregnancy but I don't want to climb the IVF hormone mountain to get there.

What if it doesn't work like last time? The knowledge of the last cycle and the positive result (GABE!) is both a blessing and curse. I know exactly what's coming physically and emotionally, except for the outcome, which is unknown.

I think we would be looking at an end of April embryo transfer, if we have any embryos that make it to that point; we will have to decide the number to implant (1 or 2) like we did last time.

Big choices. Big money. Big emotion. Big dreams. All the while, I have Gabe, who does fulfill my desire to mother someone... I want him to have a sibling or siblings. Is that selfish? To some maybe. I know. I just want to do motherhood more.

I see many "I"s in this post. I'm allowed to feel and to hope. When does that become selfish of me though?

Is Round Two a secret pursuit? I don't know how it can be as secretive as last time because we have Gabe and I have to plan appointments around him. We are going to need help. I hate asking for that.

I wish I could accurately describe my attitude/emotions going into this cycle. I'm not in the same headspace as I was Round One. I'm not in a worse place, just a different one. Will that matter? I guess the better question to ask is HOW will that matter here?

Round Two. Really. I think.

Should your finances and your calendars dictate when you can have another child? When you're needing IVF to create that child, the answer is YES. And prayer. Lots of it.

We think we are ready to jump in for round two now. I have scheduled a baseline ultrasound for mid March. After that, we will get a more definitive timeline, but guestimating, I would say we'd be looking at a transfer around early May?

I feel a little bit more ready for the whole process than I did a few months ago. I think it will become more real after my baseline appointment. I'll write more then :)

Pets and infertility

I don't even know how to write this post. I'm sitting here crying already.

But what do I do when I'm emotionally raw? I write. I apologize in advance if you are A) not ready for a sad story or B) you don't like dogs/pets.

Yesterday we found out that our sweet boxer Stu has cancer. Like bad. Like everywhere. This afternoon, we have to put him down. He's five and half and we are devastated.

I can't imagine our home without his presence. Even now, as I write this, he's at my feet. He's present.

He has been a silent, strong comfort to me through so much. This dog literally sat on my lap during months and months of negative pregnancy tests. His loyal companionship forced me outside for walks in the sun during really tough months. As much as Chris, he's endured the roller coaster ride we road to conceiving Gabe.

Since Gabe's birth, he's been attentive and friendly, totally submitting to the little, crazy bundle-now-toddler invading his world. He's been sat on, chewed on, and has had a child steal his toys and dog food (yes, Gabe is weird) and has never shown any aggression. The picture perfect family dog.

I dread today.