Starting Stims!

I trekked down to Harrisburg yesterday morning for my pre-IVF monitoring appointment. My bloodwork looks good and there were no signs of uterine issues on the ultrasound. They did count 13 antral follicles. I totally did not pay attention to antral follicle numbers in round 1 or 2--- Now, I'm being SUPER thorough because I want to just be informed and on top of everything each step of the way in this, our final round. From what my Google results yield, that number of antral follicles for an almost-31 year old is a little low, but hey, we're doing all we can!

Last night, I started on 300 iu Follistim and 150 iu of Menupur. This is the highest dosage I've ever taken, but what the heck, let's go!

I head back to Harrisburg on Friday for bloodwork and ultrasound to check on things.

As far as my headspace, I am peaceful. I'm anxious, but in a good way, like the anxiousness you feel for Christmas or your birthday, not the stressed-induced kind of anxiousness.

ROUND TWO: Pre-Retrieval

Last night, Chris got to give me a shot in the bum which acted as a trigger for ovulation. Egg retrieval is set for tomorrow morning at 7:45 AM. We are planning to head to Philly tonight and get a hotel, as the timing of tomorrow's appointment is critical. We wouldn't want a flat tire or traffic to impact our ability to get there on time!

This morning I did not (THANKFULLY) have to go to Shady Grove for monitoring (my first morning not in a car in four days!) Apparently with an HCG Novarelle shot, there does not need to be any bloodwork done the following day. This trigger was different from the Lupron dual trigger I had before. I asked about the change in protocol and the nurse told me it was because of my estrogen levels. She wasn't concerned and just said things are "a little different" this time around.

As I write, I am so in awe of just how DIFFERENT everything has been this time around. I can't really explain it. Things with Chris and I are good though; we are a team. Last night's bum-shot was entertaining to say the least:)

I am so intrigued to know how many eggs they will be able to retrieve tomorrow. At yesterday's appointment, it appeared that there were around 7. This is less than last time, but hey, we only need one good one.

Each day after tomorrow, Shady Grove will call us and let us know how the embryos are doing; how many, their grade, shape etc. I haven't really allowed myself to think about this process not working. I've honestly been so busy between work and Gabe and monitoring to let the thought sit very long in my head. I hope that the next five days until transfer are quick ones. 

First Mother's Day

I used to dread Mother's Day. It was just one more day for me to feel left out of the motherhood club. Emotionally raw, I would see picturesque families stroll into church in their matching outfits, mothers staring longingly at their adorably chubby, smiling infants. On Mother's Day, children seem to multiply. They are everywhere. And they are all behaving. They smell great too. Rainbows and butterflies swarm mini-vans full of families driven by smiling, content parents. Pregnant bellies appear around every corner.... Needless to say, Mother's Day for an infertile woman is R.O.U.G.H.

So what about this year? On this, my very first Mother's Day as a momma, I felt myself torn between wanting to squeeze Gabe and soak up his sweetness every two seconds, and wanting to cry just thinking about how painful some past Mother's Days have been.

I think infertility is an experience that never really leaves you. It's like a death, kind of. It's a time period when you've been emotionally devastated month after month, year after year.... You can't just forget that. Even with a perfect baby, you don't forget it.

Tonight Gabe woke up after only twenty minutes of sleep, a rare occurrence. Usually, he goes to bed for the night, down for the count until morning.

I went upstairs, picked him up, and took a seat in the rocking chair, the same chair that I sat in last Mother's Day, with my pregnant belly. The same chair that I sat in in an empty nursery only a year ago, a room that I previously never entered because I was too emotionally unstable to do it.

As I began to hum quietly, he stopped crying and laid his head on my chest. His eyes were open and he just snuggled against me, rocking back and forth. Normally, he falls to sleep quickly. Tonight he just laid there, wanting to cuddle, humming back to me as I sang to him. It was almost like he wanted to give me a Mother's Day present, Gabe-style.

The feeling of your son, actually hugging you back, holding on to you is one that I can't quite describe, kind of like how I can't quite describe my feelings on this, my first Mother's Day.

For those couples still on the journey to parenthood, know you're not forgotten, not by me, but more importantly not by God. His plans are a mystery to us, but you know what? His plans are always better, always right.

Had we been given Gabe from the start, had we not gone through disappointment, pain and struggle, we would not fully appreciate the tremendous gift and opportunity given to us in Gabe.

So how was my Mother's Day? It was a bit of a roller coaster of emotions, but even more, it was a day when I more fully understood God's grace, and that friends, is a good day.

20 Paths to Positive

Take a look at Shady Grove's first e-book, 20 Paths to Positive, filled with inspirational, authentic stories from couples that have experienced all aspects of infertility. This e-book was written by patients, for patients; it's an honest view into the lives of couples on their journeys to parenthood.

Mother's Day Mixed Feelings

Yesterday was Mother's Day, and while the day was clearly easier for me than in years past, I spent the day experiencing mixed emotions. Yes, there is a baby in my stomach and yes, that means I am going to be a mom in July. I should be elated, right? Don't get me wrong. I am elated; it's just that my elation has a memory--- a memory of times past when motherhood was this distant, seemingly unattainable, club that I was refused admittance.

I love that people see me (and my belly) and tell me how cute I look. I adore that women and men alike smile at the sight of my belly and the visual reminder of a future tiny life. I would by lying if I said I didn't enjoy the extra attention and focus at church and family gatherings.

All the while though, I am torn because I remember how I felt BEFORE this pregnancy experience. Before, it just felt like was I not interesting enough or normal enough for family and friends to treat me like someone "in the club." Clearly I was not purposely excluded from discussions. I have an amazing group of friends and family who love me dearly! At the same time though, there is only so much talk of breastfeeding, potty training, temper tantrums, pregnancy cravings, and labor and delivery stories that one can take! And even the discussions that were not about babies and children somehow felt like they were, to me, a sensitive gal trying to begin a family. 

So as another Mother's Day passes, I pledge to remember how it feels to be standing on the outside of the imaginary "baby" bubble looking in. I promise to seek out and authentically desire to know about the lives of women and couples who don't have children. After all  we MUST have more in common than our abilities to reproduce, right? 

Join the Movement...

Join the Movement: Bring Infertility Out of the Shadows

National Infertility Awareness Week

For many couples, Chris and me included, it was a daunting task to step out and acknowledge publicly that we struggled with fertility issues. We didn't do it in one huge jump. We still have been hesitant to share openly with some people because we're just too sensitive about it. But step by step, we have slowly opened up and shared our experience with more and more people. 

Someone from Shady Grove contacted me the other day and asked: What has been the most surprising part of your journey to becoming pregnant?

I don't think I can sum that up in a sentence or two, but realistically, Chris and I have been surprised at the number of people that have "come out of the woodwork" so-to-speak, who have struggled or are still struggling with infertility. 

When you are going through the experience, you feel so isolated and alone; it is as if you're watching couples and new families live their lives from far above---an outsider looking down at a dream that feels unbelievably far away.

At the same time, you have to continue to live your life. It's hard. It's frustrating. And at times, it's difficult to deal with people who do not understand or acknowledge that hardship.

Another surprising aspect of our infertility experience has been the grace and the providence God has shown us. I dont' know why I am surprised, but I am. I've learned more about who He is and who I am in Him during the past few years than I would have learned if my life were paved out in front of me, fully equipped with road signs and maps with keys explaining each new location along the way. 

Yesterday's sermon was about trust. We've heard it before: Trust God. He knows what He's doing. 

Yeah. Right. Tell that to someone who just lost a spouse. Tell that to someone with a life threatening illness. Tell that to a couple desperately wanting to start a family. 

It's a hard pill to swallow.

But here's the thing: trust requires risk. Without risk, there's no reason to authentically trust. Trusting God and placing the events of our lives, no mater how trivial or how grave, into His hands requires us to risk being out of control, stepping away from the command center of our lives.

Trusting God also requires a perpetual turning over of the reins. Daily. I've not mastered this. I am working on it.

With regard to National Infertility Awareness Week, it's our hope that more people will come to know about infertility. While no one expects someone whom has not been touched with infertility to understand it all, it would be amazing to bring this topic out of the shadows and into the light. 

My dearest friend Katie got pregnant the first month she tried to conceive. She had a dream pregnancy and now has a beautiful baby girl. She loves me almost as much as my husband does, but the reality is, she can never get what it was like for me to struggle with infertility. However, she was informed and was able to support me the best she could. I appreciated that. 

If someone you know is clueless about infertility, here is a great link to help them understand what you're experiencing. They don't have to "get it" 100%, but sharing about it is the first step toward their growing understanding and your diminished resentment. 

http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/

Thankful for praying friends... and strangers

A few weeks ago, our pastor announced our pregnancy at church. At first, I had mixed feelings. I was glad he wanted to share our news but at the same time, I felt badly because I know knew that are individuals in our congregation continue to struggle with infertility. I can almost guarantee there are other couples who are secretly navigating infertility too.

The pastor asked me, prior to the service, if he could announce it. I smiled and told him it was fine, but I just felt conflicted. What he said next really amazed me (and I'm not sure why). 

"I want to tell the church you're expecting because I am excited for you. Foremost though, I want to tell them you're pregnant because there have been many people praying for you over the past few years, people you didn't even know about. Those people deserve to see how God responded."

I do have some close prayer-warrior friends who have been walking this journey with me. But strangers? Who even knows about our infertility? It's not like I walked around with a banner that read, "I can't get pregnant." Or maybe I did?

After the service, a woman came up to me whom I slightly know, but not well. I know her name. I know who her husband is. I know that she sits on the lefthand side of the sanctuary, in the back. That's about it.

"I wanted to let you know I've been praying for you for over a year. I just can't explain it. Your name has been on my heart, and I have been praying that God would give you the desires of your heart. I didn't know that meant a baby while I was praying, but now, I do! I will continue to pray for you and for the baby."

She hugged me, and walked away. 

Wow. 

As we were leaving the church, an older man approached Chris. He is the greeter every week. He has seen us walk in and out of the church since we first stepped foot inside a few years ago. 

"Chris! I have to tell you this! You won't believe it. Each Sunday morning, I pray for the mothers of our church. I go through the directory and pray for guidance and wisdom for them. Today, I prayed for Rachel, and then I thought, Oh wait, no she's not pregnant. She's not a mother. But today, Pastor Tim announced that she is!"

It's humbling to know that strangers have been lifting us up, without us even knowing it. Humbling and heart-warming. 

A bittersweet graduation

Well, we've graduated from Shady Grove. The verb graduated sounds odd in conjunction with a fertility clinic. It just does. While we were smiling and authentically thankful to be taking the next step toward a regular, traditional pregnancy experience, it was sad to say goodbye to Dr. Sasson and the nurses whom have walked with us through the past few months.

We were able to see the baby via ultrasound again today and we could hear the heartbeat too--- 170 beats per minute:) Today we could see legs, arms, and the beginnings of a facial profile. The creation and growth of human life is absolutely miraculous; tears all around again today. I don't think I will ever get tired of staring at the image of our future baby (even if it does look a bit like an alien).

We were given exit instructions and a medication protocol. I will continue until January 3rd with the estrogen and progesterone meds and then wean off them completely. Dr. Sasson said, "You guys have to realize that you have now made it to the 5% miscarriage rate time; this is about as good as it can get for you. You need to have faith that the baby is not going anywhere. You should start treating this pregnancy in the same way any other person who did not go through fertility would treat it. The bottom line is that you guys are now completely normal!"

Of course he said the last line with a smile. He was trying to ease our fears and get us to view this pregnancy as not being a high risk one. While I am comforted by his optimism and encouragement, it is hard for me to look at this experience as anywhere near normal.

I guess the best way for me to view it is that while the journey to conception was a difficult one, the actual pregnancy is the same as any other, but still unique and new to us.

A few of my close friends have asked if I am going to tell more people about the pregnancy yet. Shockingly, internet world, we have not told our siblings and families beyond our parents to this point. Christmas is only three days away and it would be a fun time to share the news. At the same time, we are not to 12 weeks yet (the suggested milestone when couples should feel safe to share). But then again, not every pregnant couple has had perfect embryo selection and three confirmation ultrasounds by week 9.

What is the final verdict? I think we will tell our siblings but still keep it under wraps from anyone else until week 12. But who knows... my overwhelming Christmas spirit might dissuade our plan:)

Secrets

It's been about ten days since we got the official word on our positive pregnancy. I still pause throughout the day to revel in the joy that we will have a new addition to our family this summer. I have to say, it's been hard keeping my joy from bubbling up to the surface publicly. This secret-keeping thing is hard! I can keep secrets when they are serious, or when they must be prayed over. However, it's the exciting secrets that are hard ones to keep.

I actually had a flashback to age eight, when my parents told my brothers and me that they were pregnant with my sister. I so vividly remember the conversation. It was a weeknight. We were eating spaghetti and meatballs. My parents were seated at opposite ends of the table, whilst Ben, Dan, and I fought over who would get the last piece of garlic bread. I remember my parents being particularly quiet.

Mom: Your father has something he wants to tell you.

Dad: No, your mom has something to tell you.

Ben: Tell us what?  Are we finally getting horses for in the barn? (Side note: Prior to my parent's announcement of a new baby for our family, my brothers and I spent weeks cleaning out the barn with the promise of two horses and a pasture being held over our heads by our parents).

Mom: No, you're not getting horses. You are going to get another brother or sister. I am pregnant.

Neither one of my parents looked overjoyed at this proclamation  Instead, they sat at the table, quietly, still in disbelief that they would be adding a tag-along-kid to the Meckbach clan.

I, conversely  jumped out of my chair and proceeded to do cartwheels in the kitchen, screaming at the top of my lungs! At last, after years of being beat up, tortured, and teased, I would get to have a younger sibling to smother-mother. Both Dan and Ben seemed less than amused. In fact, Ben, being thirteen, was able to connect the dots that yes, his parents, actually did have sex. Gross. Dan, on the other hand, demanded that this new baby be a boy; if it was a girl, he was having no part in it. And, he insisted we better still be getting the horses.**

I remember my mom tucking me into bed that night. She talked about secrets and how this new baby was going to be a just-for-our-family-to-know secret for a while longer. I promised not to tell ANYONE, not even my bus driver, or my grandmother. 

Well, I was able to successfully keep the secret for nine hours (while sleeping). The next day, I announced to everyone at Loyalsock Valley Elementary School that my mom was pregnant!

The next night, after getting multiple congratulatory phone calls, my mom sat me down and asked me if I had told anyone that she was pregnant. Yikes. I was caught. I told her that I did and waited for some kind of punishment.

It never came. I think my mom realized that the secret of a new life added to our family was just too big for an eight year old future-older-sister-to-be to keep.

And so here I am, twenty years later, attempting to keep my own secret. 

Tomorrow, we head down to Shady Grove for our first ultrasound. I am excited to for once, actually see something in my uterus! For months, I have been staring at an empty uterus on the screen, looking at a literal void that I so figuratively felt. I have a feeling that I will be talking to the screen, similarly to the way I spoke to the Expectant Mother Parking Sign: Take that!

We will also be finding out whether we have one or two babies. I have been praying that God would help us get a handle on this situation. Never in a million years would I have thought I would be disappointed at finding out I was pregnant with one baby. It is hard now, however, because we know there is a chance that two babies are growing inside of me. It is difficult to control our expectations when we know way more about embryos and the reproductive process than we should.

And so the reminder hits me once more, that God has so perfectly carved for us His plan for our parenthood. He knows what we can handle and what is best for our lives, right here and right now. Even in our unknown, He is there and He knows all.


**Just in case you were wondering, we never did get the horses. But to this day, my sweet Carolyn is a way better gift! 

Expectant Mother Parking

My HCG numbers (the pregnancy hormone) are continuing to steadily rise. I am definitely still pregnant! 

I talked with Dr. Sasson on Wednesday and Chris and I are going to head down for an ultrasound next Friday, December 7th to check up on our baby or babies... 

I had few people email me asking me questions about how I feel physically this week. I don't feel any different other than the fact that I've had slight cramping a few times per day (Dr. Sasson says it is my uterus stretching as the uterus grows at a faster rate than the baby) and some spotting (sorry if that is too much info, but I told you I'd keep it real. If spotting happens to you try not to worry too much. Dr. Sasson said that as long as it is just spotting and not heavy bleeding, all is well. The spotting comes from blood vessels popping as the uterus stretches). 

Other than that, I feel totally normal. Well actually above-and-beyond normal as I still smile at the thought of being pregnant! Sorry if this is overkill, but have I said lately that I am in heaven?

Also, tonight Chris and I went to Wegman's and I made him park in the Expectant Mother parking spot. I have been staring at that spot with disgust for the past three years. I don't think I'll be parking there every time I visit Wegman's (well, maybe I might) but tonight it just felt like I had won the battle, sitting in the spot that has haunted me for so long. I know it's just a parking spot, but for me, it is more like a box that we can finally check off in our journey to actually having a family. So take that, stupid parking spot!

Heaven!

Yesterday began at 6:00 AM when Chris and I sprinted into the Divine Providence Hospital lab for my blood work. Dr. Sasson did request that my blood work results be sent to him STAT, but I didn't exactly know what STAT meant in the Williamsport blood work world. STAT could mean immediately, or in a few hours, or sometime that day. Needless to say, I came home from the lab and tried to busy myself with work, waiting for a phone call from Shady Grove. 

At around 10:45, the phone rang. I could tell by the caller ID that it was Shady Grove. I took a deep breath, and answered the call. 

I immediately heard Dr. Sasson's voice.

"Rachel? Hi, it's Dr. Sasson."

 "Hi." (At this point, I was on the verge of crying, sweating, and vomiting simultaneously)

"I am standing here with Morgan and Stephanie and Jamie and we all want to tell you congratulations because you are pregnant! You did it!"

"What? Oh my gosh. No way!" (Insert blubbering crying, hysterical screaming, crying some more, and a few "I can't-believe-its" and "Praise Gods" and I think you can get the picture of my response). 

"I will wait a few minutes for you to catch your breath. Let me know when you are ready."

"Ok, I'm ready."

"Your levels look great and you are definitely five weeks pregnant. I want you to do repeat blood work on Wednesday and Friday, just make sure your levels continue to rise. I will see you for an ultrasound in a few weeks to make sure that everything is going smoothly, and then you will be formally discharged from Shady Grove to your own doctor in Williamsport."

This is the best I can do to recount the conversation. I just remember sitting at my desk being in complete shock that it really was happening, that finally, we had confirmation of a tiny life or lives that would be added to our family.

After I hung up the phone, I quickly changed and ran out of the door. I wanted to tell Chris immediately but I didn't want to do it over the phone. The whole way to his office, I was crying and smiling, in a state of pure joy. I am surprised I was able to navigate and make it there in one piece!

I texted Chris and asked him to come out to the parking lot. I saw him push open the door of the Children's Development Center. He wore a look of concern, but as soon as he saw me smiling, he started running to the car. He jumped in the passenger seat and grabbed me. 

"I'm pregnant. It worked. Oh my gosh, I'm pregnant!" 

We bawled our faces off for about fifteen minutes, sitting in the parking lot. He asked me to recount, word for word, what Dr. Sasson told me. I did my best. 

After about twenty minutes of in-the-Subaru celebration, Chris thought he should probably go back in to work since no one knew why he had flown out the door earlier. I will never forget seeing him practically skip back into work. 

While we are absolutely thrilled beyond words, we do realize that we can't tell the world right away. Heck, if it were up to me, I'd be telling anyone, whether I knew him or not!

We did tell our parents last night, however. My parents have really been on this journey with me and have been supporting us spiritually and emotionally for over three years. 

Upon telling my parents, my dad stood up slowly and walked toward me. He hugged me for a few minutes, tears streaming down his face, saying, "Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus."

My mom jumped up and down and hugged Chris and then me and then both of us.

Next, we drove to Chris's parent's house. While his parents were aware that we were facing some fertility issues, they did not know the extreme to which we struggled. 

Chris told his parents and his mom and dad just sat still for a moment in disbelief and then they jumped up and started hugging us. I think his dad was at a loss for words, and so all that came out was, "We're so proud of you guys," which immediately made me laugh because it sounded so funny! Proud of us for what? We should all be proud of Dr. Sasson and proud to be children of a miraculous God! 

I made them all swear to secrecy that they would not tell anyone else until we decided it would be a safer time to tell the masses. That goes for you too, cyber world! We are really pushing to wait to tell everyone until January. Here's to hoping we can hold out that long! 

All in all, it was such an emotional, memorable day for us. I climbed into bed last night, emotionally exhausted, yet indescribably content. I woke up several times throughout the night to Chris, grabbing my hand and whispering, "Just in case you forgot, we're pregnant."

Heaven. Pure heaven.

Patience is a virtue...

...that I have yet to conquer!

Remember my earlier post about being patient? I just want you to know that I haven't mastered it yet.

I called Shady Grove yesterday to schedule my pregnancy bloodwork appointment for next Monday (approximately six days and twelve hours from now, but who's counting?). Chris and I clearly would do anything to find out if we are pregnant or not, but the thought of driving six hours roundtrip down to Philly for a needle stick seemed a bit annoying. I asked if I could get the blood test done in Williamsport somehow. A few phone calls later and it's a go!

Dr. Sasson sent me an order for bloodwork via email and he marked that the results had to be sent to him STAT--- as in, the same day. He will call us as soon as he gets the results on Monday. I checked the hours at our local hospital lab, and it opens at 6 AM on Monday. I'm not saying I'll be there at 6 AM... but I might be.

Even now, as I type, I am giddy and delirious with nervous energy.... and yet, it's only Tuesday.

In the fullness of time...

This waiting game thing is for the birds! And as I write that phrase I wonder, where did that expression even came from?! A quick Google search and: 

In the days before automobiles, the streets were filled with horse-drawn carriages, and these animals quite naturally left behind deposits from their digestive systems. These emissions contained half-digested oats that attracted swarms of birds, which took nourishment from the deposits. The people of the time coined the expression “for the birds” as meaning anything of the same value as these horse-droppings.

We say that something that is worthless is “for the birds”.

While I think that waiting stinks (not literally as in horse-droppings), I know there must be some value to waiting. We see many examples of people in the Bible waiting on God---waiting for a miracle, or waiting for direction, or waiting for a promise to be fulfilled . My two weeks is nothing in comparison to Abraham and Sarah's waiting 100 plus years for a baby. Even though I might feel like I am wandering through a 40-year dessert, I'm not. 

What value comes from waiting? With regard to my current situation, I am not exactly being patient. I want November 26th to be yesterday. Regardless, God is working to increase my patience. And maybe, I will need to reference this time later, when I am exhausted, running around cleaning up twin messes! (I can only hope!) Or, when a sibling is predictably unconcerned with helping clean up after  the family Thanksgiving feast, or when a visitor wants to talk with me after church and my stomach is growling for lunch. We can all think of instances where more patience could be so valued.

I don't think we ever master the art of waiting. However, I do think God gives us the tools to handle the wait. He offers unimaginable strength and fortitude to help us when we feel like time or answers evade us.

James 1:4

But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing 

Psalm 40:1 
I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry

 Isaiah 40:31 

But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint

Romans 8:24-25 

For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience

Romans 12:12 

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 

Romans 15:4-5 

For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope. Now may the God of patience and comfort grant you to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus.

Galatians 5:22-23 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law
.

Unfailing Love

This morning I write with both a sad and hopeful heart. Mentally, I go from one end of the spectrum to the other, and here's why: 

Yesterday, Shady Grove called to tell us that none of the remaining embryos made it to the point where they could be frozen and stored for future use. We left Shady Grove on Tuesday knowing we had three in the running, hopeful that at least one would make it. 

I probably seem like a weirdo, but those embryos were precious to us already, literally tiny pieces of us. While I am overjoyed that two of the embryos were transferred Tuesday, I'm saddened at the thought that the remaining three didn't make it. 

I've caught myself smiling at the thought of two baby Knipes, potentially our future family, growing inside of me. And then, only a moment, later, I am saddened as I remember that they are all we have left at this point.

If I do not get pregnant this month, we will have to start from scratch next month, shots and all. This is something that I am willing to do, but it is something that I do not want to do. I am praying that I will be able to get myself mentally in the "best place" during this two week wait: Should I be 100% optimistic, believing that I am pregnant with twins? If I'm not pregnant, I'm going to be devastated. Should I be cautious, already outlining Plan B should this not work? I don't know if that' a healthy outlook either. The reality is, I will be heartbroken if I do not get pregnant, but God has not forsaken me this far. He's not going to leave me in the middle of a trial.

On Sunday, our sermon outlined a Biblical approach to handing the unknown. The speaker said, "God has never given me the ability to see what is coming down the pike. I never know what is headed my way next. But, I always know who is going to be there. God has always been at every event, good or bad, in my life. Focus on who is going to show up for you, not what is going happen."

God has so graciously and amazingly paved the way for us to be where we are right now. As I think back over the past few years and the struggles we have encountered, He has shown His power and been so gracious to us. He has shown up in the very minute we needed him (Hello! Read Tuesday's transfer day blog!). 

I know I get too much into my own head. I over think. I question. God knows that. He knows me. And I am so loved by Him that He would never abandon me. That, friends, is how to walk through uncertainty---- look at what you know to be true and unfailing---- His love for us.

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Peace and Hope

Chris and I went to bed last night having not fully resolved the one or two embryo transfer decision. We decided that we would pray more and hope that clarity would find its way into our hearts and minds prior to the 11:30 AM transfer.

I kept waking up throughout the night, opening my eyes fervently asking God: What should we do? God, please give us a nudge one way or another!

Anyone who knows Chris and me knows that we are pro/con people, chart makers, spreadsheet specialist... nerds who make most major decisions logically (Chris) and decisively (Rachel). For the three hour ride to the doctor's office, we talked in circles, paused to pray, talked some more... We weren't frantic, but we just didn't feel peace about which decision to make. 

Added to the decision tango was the fact that I had to arrive at the clinic with a moderately full bladder--not so full that I would be doing the potty dance in the parking lot of the clinic, but full enough to feel it. Attempting to find this urinary balance was a feat. I've never really paid attention to my water intake and subsequent bathroom usage before so I didn't know how to reach the right balance. Two bathroom breaks later (I think I was too overzealous with the water drinking in the first part of the trip), I started fresh with a new bottle of water around Allentown. I sipped it periodically and we arrived in the parking lot of the clinic, full bladder and all. 

Before heading in, Chris grabbed my hand and we prayed a final time. We prayed that God would give us peace and clarity. A hug and a kiss and we were on our way.

We were called back quickly and asked to change-- me into a gown, and Chris into this "awesome" outfit!

Yep, he is one cool guy.

We sat down with the embryologist, Maria and Dr. Munabi. The embryologist updated us on how our embryos were doing: two were "absolutely perfect" and three were still underdeveloped. The three underdeveloped embryos were still in the game, but were not ready for a transfer today. The two "absolutely perfect" embryos were ready, if we wanted to choose two. 

We talked to Dr. Munabi about the risks, benefits etc.---- all information we had already known coming in to the conversation. We asked medical professional their opinions. Each said they would lean toward two embryos because of their superior grades. It is not often that two embryos are ready and have the same grade at the same time. 

Well, we asked for a sign. And we got one. Two medical professionals, encouraging the transfer of two embryos. 

Dr. Sasson, our primary doctor at Shady Grove, was away today. I wondered, what would he think? He had been encouraging us to only do one... (see note at the end of the post).

Chris and I talked for a minute more and then both firmly decided that we wanted two. 

We headed back to the operating room and things went smoothly from there. Dr. Munabi made me feel so relaxed and told me what he was doing before he did it. What was super cool was that we got to watch the transfer (the embryos coming out of the catheter into my uterus) on a screen. We were able to see everything. It was the best show I've ever seen! 

After the transfer was over, I rested for a while, and Chris and I chatted with the embryologist. She was so sweet; she brought us a photo of the two embryos that she had taken with the microscope, right before the transfer: 

Unbelievable! Embryo 1 and 2.  

We drove home, pretty much on cloud nine, thankful that we felt at peace about our decision and hopeful for what is to come!  

Note: Dr. Sasson called this afternoon to check on us. He said had he been at the office this morning to see the two best embryos, he would have encouraged the transfer of two also. 

You might be wondering about the three remaining embryos: We will get a call tomorrow from Maria letting us know if any of them made it to the final stage, the stage where it is safe to freeze them for future use. We could have three remaining, two, one or none. I will post tomorrow with that update.

Catch up!

I stated earlier that this blog would outline our steps through the IVF process.

For those of you who are considering IVF, or are just at the starting gate, you're not alone. And to help make those initial steps a bit less scary, I will be writing about each of our appointments at Shady Grove Fertility Center in detail, even if I feel completely embarrassed to include some of the details. Knowledge is power, and I hope that through our experience, you will feel less alone.

Friday, we went for our third visit to SGFC. First though, I want to include a bit about our initial meeting with Dr. Sasson on our first visit:

On Friday (9/14/12) Chris and I went to Shady Grove Fertility Center in Chesterbrook. The main office for SGF is in Maryland, but they just opened a new center in Chesterbrook. It was funny, as we drove to the clinic, we realized it was only a mile from the Howellville house. We felt like we were coming home. So many happy memories and wonderful times occurred in Wayne and Berwyn. It was a tangible reminder of how far we have come in our marriage and how close our bond is to that area. We researched beforehand and found out that insurance would not cover any of the procedures, should we choose to go ahead. We were lucky though, because the initial consult was free for the month of September (as the clinic had just opened in the new location). 

Our doctor, Dr. Sasson, greeted us and took us back to his office. I could tell he had already looked through our charts and info sent from Geisinger. He talked to us for a while and let us fill him in about our situation. He appeared to genuinely care about us, beyond the reproduction factor. He and his wife had encountered infertility and so he was very well aware of our emotions and feelings as we approached the topic. 

He outlined several options for us. The first three were options we had in one way or another, already explored. The fourth (and final) option was IVF. He explained about what IVF is and walked us through a typical cycle. He showed us the success rates for couples from SGF from 2011. For couples under 35, the success rate was 51%. This was certainly encouraging news, as we were in the 10-15% range with IUI and chlomid. At one point, he looked across the table and said, "I don't know why your faces appear to be so sad. You just seem like you have given up hope. Here's the thing: you guys are going to have a baby. Your own baby. Rachel, you will get pregnant and have a baby." To hear this was a complete shock. It was hard to process that a medical professional was telling us that we would have our own child. In fact, he asked how many kids we wanted... it was just so surreal. 

I feel like, even as I write this, I am doing a crappy job outlining the consult. It was way beyond words. There are obstacles in the way, but none that I hope will keep us from the promise he declared. Having to drive to Philly dozens of times and having to deal with meds and hormones and timing etc. are all annoying. However, if we agree to do this, we can start in two weeks when I get my next period.

The thought that I could be pregnant by Thanksgiving is unbelievable. I cautiously dare to think about having a baby next summer. It is just so unreal. I know, I'm a broken record. 

Added to my joy was the fact that if we want to do two embryos, we have a 43% chance of having twins. I am overjoyed and potentially overwhelmed by that fact. I just can't imagine that God would actually be hearing us after all this time. I feel like I have not trusted him or understood why He would make us walk down this painful and disappointing road.  I see that there is no way I could be doing IVF if I were still teaching at MHS. There would be no way that we could proceed forward with it under those conditions. Now, I see that I have the flexibility and the availability in my schedule to take a million trips to Philly etc. I just can't believe it. I am thrilled and scared beyond belief. I think about it constantly. Could this finally be it? Could we finally be pregnant and start a family? I am scared beyond words to hope that this could be my life.

Visit number two on 9/30, was a baseline ultrasound and blood work. Chris also was asked to do a some tests too (you can use your imagination there...).  We were told that we would have to come back in five days (10/5) for another appointment.

So, now we are up to speed. Our third appointment (10/5) involved more blood work, a baseline ultrasound, a fluid sonogram,  and we meet with a financial counselor. We also sat through an injection class (I learned how to give myself shots and about the meds I will take). Last, we met with Dr. Sasson to discuss all of the test results to date. Normally, these are spaced out, but because we are driving three hours, they are consolidating as much as possible, and we appreciate it! 

I do have some cervical scar tissue (which was seen during the fluid sonogram-- an uncomfortable, but not super painful procedure). This was a result of an earlier surgery (uterus resection due to septate uterus). 

To bipass this, Dr. Sasson is going to work some magic when we eventually get to embryo transfer day (will write more about this later).  He said the scarring was a bit of a speed bump, but nothing that would stop us from moving forward. My uterus is healed completely and looks great. 

I have to be on 21 days of birth control pills (what?!?, you say?). The pills make my brain stop communicating with my reproductive "area".  That way, the doctors can control everything, using meds, instead of my brain having anything to do with it. After I am done with the pills, I will start my hormone injections to begin the production of eggs... and I mean LOTS of eggs.  I will be monitored during this time and then we will pick the best day for the egg retrieval (when the eggs are numerous and sizable enough to be retrieved).  Dr. Sasson is hoping that I will produce about 15-20 eggs for retrieval.  To give you a visual, he said my ovary will go from being the size of a nickel to the size of a grapefruit. Hello stretchy waistband! 

The eggs will be harvested (I hate that word) while I am under anestesia. Then, the eggs will be fertilized, thanks to Chris, and then they will be embryos. After 3-5 days, the embryos will be big enough to be selected and transfered back into my uterus. The best embryo(s) will be selected. Don't worry- not all of the embryos will be transferred at one time. We will pick one or two and then the rest will be frozen for later (when we want to get pregnant again). 

We have not determined if we are going to choose one or two embryos on transfer day... we need to think on that. I will blog about the pros/cons of that soon. 

So, you're up to speed. For now:)

Futile Tips from Fertile People

For today's post, I decided to come up with a list of some of the things people have said to us since we started experiencing infertility. This is not a complete list, but we thought you'd enjoy the following Futile Tips from Fertile People:

"ADVICE"

• "You guys need to just relax. You guys should go on vacation. I bet you would get pregnant on vacation." (I'd have had 10 kids by now if that were true)
• "There are some really special positions you should try..." (Someone from my church gave me that nuget of wisdom. I promptly vomited in my mouth)
• "Do you kids know there are some days that are just better than others to try?"
• "What about your body temperature? They sell those neat kits that tell you when you are ovulating. You should try that."
• "Dude, your boys need to breathe. Just wear loose underwear." (Stellar pearl of wisdom right there.)
• "It will happen. Just be patient." (Go fly a kite.)
• "Have you prayed about this? You should." (Only every hour of every day.)
• "Do a handstand after sex." (Again, vomit in my mouth)
• "You should think about adoption. Do you know how many people I know who have gotten pregnant after adoption!"
• "You guys are so young; you have time!"

"FUN" COMMENTS:

• "You should just take one of my kids. They drive me crazy!" 
• "My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant."
• "Are you two just career people? You don't want any kids?" 
• "It didn't happen for us on the first try. It took three months." (This is when I mentally poke their eyes out with the nearest writing utensil)
• "You've been married for five years? Geesh. You know, your eggs aren't getting any younger." (Thanks, Genius). 

I know you think we've made these up. I wish we had.

Don't you recognize me?

That's me. Rosie the Riveter. Except my name is Rachel and I am currently not holding a baby.

 Rosie and I share some similarities, however. She is a symbol of self determination. Her image defines the "We can do it!" attitude of many American women. I think most people who know me would agree that I am stubbornly determined to succeed in most aspects of my life. I am an organized, Type-A, control freak. So what happens when the "We can do it!" motto turns into, "Crap. No matter how fiercely I try, I can't do it!" mantra? What happens when we are unable to rely on what has successfully accelerated us through life thus far: our gene pools, our relationships, our skills and talents? God shows up. That's what happens.

 My husband Chris and I have been pretty private about our struggles with infertility. We have watched as countless friends and family members have have gotten pregnant (some accidentally) and have shared in their lives as they have traversed pregnancy, deliveries, and child rearing. And we really do mean it when we say we are happy for them. But, as promised, this blog is an open book to what is looming in my heart and what God is doing with me. It's some tough stuff to sort out while trying to plaster on a happy face at baby showers, birthday parties, and family gatherings.

The purpose of this blog is really multifaceted. We don't want to sound bitter, complaining that our lives are unfair because we can't easily become parents. We do however, crave a deeper level of understanding. God has and continues to reveal so much about who He is and what role He should play in our lives individually and within our marriage together.

Our struggle to get pregnant is far from over. We have gone through multiple evaluations, medical procedures, surgery, and medications only to find out that we are reproductively challenged. With the very few whom we've shared our journey, some ask, "Whose fault is it? Who has the problem?" They really don't mean to come off that harshly, but for us, it's sometimes like salt in an open wound.

 From the start, we've taken some solid advice from a dear past college professor-- Chris and I have agreed that the blame game is a no-win situation, that neither of us is the problem. Neither of us is the reason why we are not able to have kids. Yes, there is a problem, but it is OUR problem. Not his. Not mine. Ours. And, we will conquer it with God's grace.

 So here is the super abbreviated version of where we are today: After trying local fertility specialists, we decided to make the trek to Shady Grove Fertility Center, located in Chesterbrook, PA. Because we have had many failed fertility procedures to date, we are going to try something we've not before: IVF. It is my hope that this blog will chronicle that process as well as shed some light into what God is revealing to us throughout the way.

 I apologize if this entry was a bit deep; not all of my entries will be so heavy-hearted! For real... you have to be able to laugh when you are constantly discussing ovaries, semen, eggs, and harvesting... Really. My life right now is a literal egg hunt.

All joking aside, thanks for reading this. And thanks for attempting to grasp what is going on in our life. We've not been ignoring you. We've just been processing. God doesn't waste suffering, so we know He's got something amazing down the pike.