Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Control Freak

And the crazy-psycho planning begins. Again. Oh, and some stream-of-consciousness writing:

I just pulled out my calendar from the last time we did IVF to try to nail down a general timeframe for everything. I am a control freak. I need to know what's coming. My calendar is essential.

I started taking pre-natal pills this morning. Strange.

I'm excited at the prospect of pregnancy but I don't want to climb the IVF hormone mountain to get there.

What if it doesn't work like last time? The knowledge of the last cycle and the positive result (GABE!) is both a blessing and curse. I know exactly what's coming physically and emotionally, except for the outcome, which is unknown.

I think we would be looking at an end of April embryo transfer, if we have any embryos that make it to that point; we will have to decide the number to implant (1 or 2) like we did last time.

Big choices. Big money. Big emotion. Big dreams. All the while, I have Gabe, who does fulfill my desire to mother someone... I want him to have a sibling or siblings. Is that selfish? To some maybe. I know. I just want to do motherhood more.

I see many "I"s in this post. I'm allowed to feel and to hope. When does that become selfish of me though?

Is Round Two a secret pursuit? I don't know how it can be as secretive as last time because we have Gabe and I have to plan appointments around him. We are going to need help. I hate asking for that.

I wish I could accurately describe my attitude/emotions going into this cycle. I'm not in the same headspace as I was Round One. I'm not in a worse place, just a different one. Will that matter? I guess the better question to ask is HOW will that matter here?

No comments:

Post a Comment