What someone should have told me before we started this second-go at IVF is that it wouldn't be anything like our first round. From what I read online (obviously a reliable source) the second IVF round is supposed to be easier because you know what to expect. You know what's coming.
Here's the thing: So far, this round has been harder because we've had certain hurdles that weren't present the first time: Finding a babysitter so I can go to Philly and back, paying for IVF when there are other bills in the mix that weren't a few years ago etc. This round, we are requiring ICSI , when we didn't need that last time. This time, we have to pay for all of my medications ($$$!!!) because our updated insurance policy no longer covers fertility meds. This round, I am taking a few different meds, with higher dosages. This round, we are splitting our time between Shady Grove in Philly and Harrisburg. This time, Chris is watching Gabe while I go to many appointments alone.
I am selfish. I want what I know. What I had before.
It's not the emotional roller coaster of wanting to simple have a child, like it was in round one. Having Gabe really does help in that respect (of course I want to experience it again!) Having had the chance to be pregnant before helps too. It's now just the overwhelming desire for a FAMILY beyond one child. For siblings for Gabe.
To be honest, this IVF cycle has felt like we are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It's like, the second I feel a burden lifted, something else happens that makes me feel uneasy all over again. I have been on the phone with the bank 11 times in 3 days. I am not kidding. Today, I was on hold with a banker and Gabe magically made his diaper explode. What ensued was not pretty: Me trying to remain on hold (for fear if I hung up I would loose the ONE person who actually was trying to help me) whilst diaper changing...Toddler excrement abounded.
I wrote earlier that I was just ticked that we had to do this again. I was ticked that we couldn't just experience procreation without financial penalty or physical hurdles. There have been a number of days when I've really gotten over that annoyance, that anger. Really. I have!Then, there are days like today when I am mad all over again. I don't know if that goes away with time?
It's Holy Week. The week that we as Christians pause to remember the sacrifices that Jesus made for each and every one of our salvations. We were challenged by our Pastor to spend 4 days where we just PRAISED God and THANKED Him for his sacrifice and for the blessings He's given to us. That was more of a challenge than I ever thought it could be. Especially during a time that I've not been feeling very thankful.
But something has helped me: Each day this week, a song lyric has been running through my head- God is fighting for us. Pushing out the darkness. He has overcome. Yes, He has overcome!
The one thing that I CAN selfishly claim is that I am a daughter of the One True King, the one who is fighting for me even when I can't see what's coming. The one who is fighting for me even when I am ugly and selfish and don't like myself very much. That' a pretty amazing God.
As for the Round II Schedule:
Start injections 4/3 for 10-12 days. Then egg retrieval. Then transfer. Then 2 week wait to see if it worked.