Last night, I started bleeding. Bright red.
I sat on the toilet and cried.
Chris and I climbed in bed and just held in each other in silence, me with a blotchy face, swollen eyes. Ticked, I grabbed my phone and typed out a staccato email to our Shady Grove nurse, Debbie:
Tested today. It was negative. Bleeding bright red now. Can I go get the blood test tomorrow, to put myself out of this misery? Please don't make us wait until Monday. Need to know for sure so we can get a grip here.
Her reply: Go ahead. We will call you when the lab sends us your results.
I went to the lab this morning. I'm just waiting for a phone call anytime. Pull the plug already. Rip off the bandaid. I can't sit in this place much longer.
I told Chris I am 98% sure I'm not pregnant. Who knows why I still cling to 2%. I think Chris is like 75% no, 25% yes, for no justifiable reason at all.
So when we 100% know, what are our next steps? I don't know for sure. I know we have one more cycle paid for, minus the meds. I know we need time away from the fertility roller-coaster though. It was exciting at first, but I'm over it today.
You know the feeling you get when you first get to an amusement park? Oh wow! So fun! This takes me back to my childhood! You're excited to eat that amazing fried food, jump onto a ton of rides and get your face painted.... After a few hours though, the thrills lessen. The food actually isn't that great. You've got gum stuck on your shoe, and you're kind of grumpy.
We are past kind of grumpy. We are exhausted and ready to leave. We will come back. We know. Just not anytime soon.