I haven't really been posting much lately. I've been feeling apathetic about all things fertility in an effort to just pretend we don't have to deal with it. It works for a while, but then thoughts of fertility world start creeping back into my brain. So, while I've got those thoughts on the brain, and have a second to myself, I'll update you on some developments.
A few weeks ago, I had a phone consult with Dr. S to discuss any potential reasons for my last failed IVF cycle, as well as the potential reason(s) why we did not even come out of the fresh cycle with any remaining embryos.
His answer: "I don't know."
He went on to say that my 30-year-old body isn't responding like a typical 30-year-old. With the amount of hormone stimulants I've been given, I should be producing between 15-30 eggs at retrieval. This past cycle, four were retrieved, with only two for transfer in the end.
Instead, he said, I was responding like I was in my mid 40s.
He does want to change the protocol moving forward to see if that can make a positive difference in my egg retrieval numbers. He wants me to plan out my next fresh cycle, two plus months in advance, to ensure that we are really coming into retrieval with the best possible scenario.
I hope that will be the case as this is, mark my words, our LAST CHANCE at IVF (unless we hit the lottery). We have one more cycle that we've paid for (or at least have the loans out to pay for!)
We are currently saving for the $6,000 of meds we need to go along with that last cycle. I had hoped to try in September, but I don't think we are going to be there financially. I also don't think I am going to be there emotionally.
The failure of the last cycle coupled with the unexpected death of Chris's grandfather have put us in a difficult place emotionally. It's hard for me to be the cheerleader right now. It's hard for Chris to be pumped up when he is helping his family work through the details of his grandfather's death. Chris is grieving too.
We've never encountered a period in our marriage like this to date. Eight years and counting and in most situations, one of us is the optimist, the one pushing the other through. Right now, we're both kind of stagnant. We are talking about how to support each other though, and I think that's crucial to our ability to remain a team, even in our different kinds of grief right now.
I know it won't be like this forever, but right now, it's just hard.