Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Year's Eve

Well, it's New Year's Eve and I am on the couch. All day I've been fighting stomach "issues". Chris is such a keeper. I told him I felt guilty that we weren't going to be able to go out and have a more fun New Year's and he replied, "It's not every New Year's that your wife is pregnant. That's pretty fun, huh?!"

Christmas has come and gone in a whirlwind; living so close to both of our families is a blessing and a curse. We get to see everyone, but it is a crazy few days of flying around to different homes and dinners.

We told my siblings that we were pregnant on Christmas night. It was fun to be able to share the news with them... finally! They were thrilled and were visibly excited for us.

We wanted to share the news with the rest of our families (grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles etc). but prior to Christmas, we found out that Chris's cousin miscarried at 12 weeks. We thought it better to wait a few more weeks for a few reasons: 1) We wanted to be sensitive to their feelings of loss, and 2) we wanted to wait until we have fully reached the 12 week mark.

I have an appointment at Susquehanna OBGYN on January 11th. After that appointment/ultrasound, we should be all set to share the news.

It's funny-- it feels like it's been months since we found out we were pregnant, but at the same time, it's been a fun secret for Chris and I to share during this holiday season. It's like we have an AWESOME gift that no one knows about but us.

New Year's always causes one to reflect back to the years prior. I was reading through my blog entries from two years ago around this time. It speaks volumes to what God has done for us, even when we didn't see it happening:


I feel completely empty as Chris and I just hacked through another discussion of pregnancy. We talked about our upcoming appointment to the "fertility specialist". I am feeling alone and scared because for right now, with something so huge, Chris and I are not on the same page.

The realization manifested itself tonight before dinner. A fierce debate ensued. Crying. Yelling.

Now as I sit to type my eyes are red and strained.

This, I see now, is the reason why so many marriages struggle or fall apart. The gaining of "a family" either naturally or not, is sometimes stressful. 

It's just hard because we are not seeing the same vision of a future right now.

Are we enough? Are the two of us enough? 

Do we adopt? Do we proceed with more fertility treatments? To what end? How much money do we sink into something that is not a secure bet?

Are we not trusting God enough? Are we not seeking Him enough? What should we do? These questions circle around my head incessantly. 

It's hard not to feel like I am being punished for something. That sounds so dramatic. But then again, when were we ever promised a child? When were we ever promised more than the abundance we currently have?

I'm just struggling here. Feeling "sad" doesn't really cover it, yet I am struggling to type what my heart and head communicate. 

God, I need you. Where are you?

It's painful and embarrassing to acknowledge that those words came from me. But at the same time, I am able to read them and see that God used our infertility to pull us closer to each other and closer to Him. 

We never voluntarily place ourselves in full-fledged trials, but on this New Year's 2013, He has given me some clarity about our struggles and the lessons to take from them. His grace is more than enough this year. 

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