Tuesday, September 8, 2015

The last days of summer 2015

I have a moment of quiet before Gabe comes back from the sitter. I've been forming a post in my brain for a few weeks, thinking, I should add this so I can read it years from now. Words on a page can't really capture the process I've walked through this summer; I don't even know if I could explain it verbally if I tried.

I feel like I'm finally getting to that "better place", the mental headspace that allows us to see sweet moments in our ordinary days. The place where we can see the glass as half full again. It's been a while since I've been able to feel such normalcy and exude anything positive. Now though, I'm okay. I really am.

After our last failed cycle and the death of Chris's grandfather, we just felt pretty empty. Pretty ticked. Pretty alone. I think we have each had to find our way back to a place of new normal and the place where we aren't so angry at God. It's taken time and tears, but we're getting there.

In June, I made the decision to see a Christian counselor. I needed someone totally outside of my family and circle friends. I needed someone who could help me work through my anger with God and my grief. She allowed me to talk, to vent, but then always gave me weekly homework. At the end of each session with her, I'd walk quietly to my car and look in the rearview mirror, eyes red and swollen from uncontrolled emotion.

Uncontrolled emotion. Now that's raw. Now that's what Christians often do not want others to see. But why? Why not, I ask! Hearing someone say that walking with the Lord is sometimes hard is helpful Hearing a Christian say that prayer is hard when hearts are hard-- and that it's okay. For a time.

Moving out of that time, I now am in a place of just wanting to move forward. To move on. We have one final round of IVF on the horizon. And you know what? If it doesn't work, it doesn't mean God didn't hear me. It doesn't mean that He's a harsh God who doesn't want me to have what I want.

It means He wants me to have what is BEST for me. When I get to decide what's best, that's when I step on Him, close Him in, and close Him out.

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