11 Days Post Transfer

Because I am insane, I peed on a stick again this morning.  Negative. For the record, I spent over $50 on pregnancy tests this week. I know. I'm a compulsive test taker. It's like the person who opens the oven door ten times while the cookies bake, just to see if they are done.

I know God's not done teaching me something through this sadness. My heart aches. I cried, sobbed this morning after Gabe went to nursery school. I sat at the kitchen table and just bawled. And then, like God does, He speaks.

I was reading my devotional and was pointed to Psalms 118-- "This is the day the Lord has made. Let's us rejoice and be glad in it."

Instead of focusing on the second part of the verse cynically (How can I rejoice today when I'm sad and angry?!) I felt myself really digging into the first part of the verse--

THIS IS THE DAY THE LORD HAS MADE.

He made it. He knew what would happen today. He willed this day into existence. It was in His perfect plan for me all along. While I think this fertility struggle is far from perfect, His plan for me is NOT TO HARM me. He loves me. He made this day. That's the truth.

I'm okay. Sad, but trusting Him.  The negative result today, this cycle, isn't what I want. But it's what He has planned for this day. I have to trust that in days down the line, I'll figure out why.