Thursday, October 25, 2012

In the Thick of Things

I think it is easy for Christians to speak of times of insecurity AFTER they know the outcome. I hear it all the time: "God is so good! I got the job!" or "God is so faithful. My test results came back negative."

Is it necessary to speak of instances where God has blessed us and answered prayers? ABSOLUTELY. Is it easier to share about those instances after the fact, when a favorable outcome has occurred? ABSOLUTELY. 

Contrary to those instances, I have found the greatest solace and encouragement from those rare gems who share what God is doing, or maybe not doing in their lives, right in the thick of it.

Chris and I got back last night from a whirlwind trip to New Orleans. I attended an education conference during the days and Chris took a much needed break from work and toured the city. Each night, we went out on the town, exploring and eating melt-in-your-mouth, classic New Orleans' cousine. 

I was thrilled to have Chris with me on the trip, even though I did have to work for some of the time. It was a much needed change of scenery for us, and a way to help time pass more quickly as our IVF anticipation continues to grow.

We got back around midnight last night. This morning, I woke up at 5: 30 and drove to Philadelphia for a check in with Dr. Sasson. I had baseline ultrasound and blood work. Everything looks within the normal ranges and we are going to START. Finally, the real deal! 

On Friday morning, I will begin taking the new meds: Menipur and Follistem. Both shots will get my ovaries working overtime, hopefully to produce many eggs for retrieval. These stimulatory shots will last between 10-12 days. 

During the 10-12 days of shots, I will have frequent visits to Shady Grove for monitoring. Dr. Sasson will count and measure the eggs, and make sure I am responding appropriately to the drugs (we want multiple eggs, but not too many). 

Of course I will be writing with extensive updates about each phase, but here is my tentative outline:

  • Friday, Oct 26: Start stimulating shots (appointments every few days for monitoring)
  • Sunday, Nov 4: Trigger shot (to cause ovulation)
  • Wednesday, Nov 7: Egg retrieval 
  • Saturday, Nov 10: Embryo Transfer!!

As I was driving back from Philly today, I was trying to uncover what I really think of everything:

I am thrilled that things are finally getting started. I am scared that I will not fare well if we are not able to get pregnant during this round. I am fearful that it will never work. I am hopeful that this will be the final fix. I am nervous that something might go wrong as I start the new meds... It is a continual cycle of hope and dread.

And where is God in all of this? 

I keep reminding myself of the truths about God-- He is constant. He is faithful. But what if that doesn't manifest in the way I want to see it? 

Even as I write this, I have fallen into the trap of what ifs. I continue to fall intro the trap of needing to know what is coming down the road.

In moments of pure panic, (like the one I sense coming on now) I have to remind myself of this: He never promised a blazing spotlight at my feet, outlining every crevice and encounter I will face. He promised a lamp to my feet; He promised to light my path just enough for me to know what is coming just ahead of me, just at the next moment. In truth, He has never failed to light the path. 

I feel embarrassed and ashamed that my faith is not stronger right now. I'm clinging to a nightlight for heaven's sake.

At the beginning of this post, I admitted that people who share peppy, positive post-struggle stories are not necessarily the ones that help me get through tough times. It is not that I do not appreciate their stories, but as I am currently facing a mountain of insecurities, it's not exactly the Positive Pegs who make me feel better. 

The people who openly divulge their hopes and insecurities while they are in the thick of struggle are those who inspire me to hold tighter to my Savior. 

One of my favorite songs has a line in it: He uses the weak to lead the strong... It's certainly something to think about the next time you attempt to put up the traditional facade instead of sharing your heart. He wants to speak through you, even if it feels like you're the only one in the audience.

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