Round Two?

Almost two months since my last post! How can this be?! Our days have been busy and jumbled, glorious and exhausting. But such is life in the Knipe house with a curious toddler running the joint.

I may be writing more posts in the coming weeks and months as Chris and I have decided to head back to fertility-ville (AKA Shady Grove) for round two. I don't know if I'm ready for it. I mean, I think I'm ready for another baby in this house, but I don't think I'm ready to face the potential disappointment and emotional stress of IVF and failed fertility cycles, again.

Last week, I called Shady Grove to schedule an appointment to talk about options and a timeline. Even while I heard myself calling and making the appointment, I couldn't believe we were doing this again. I'm not excited. I am kind of numb about it, which is a strange thing to feel about trying to add to our family.

For those of you whom have yet to conceive, whom are in the midst of your struggle, I know you are reading this with disdain thinking, Oh yeah. Must be SO hard to go back and try to have ANOTHER baby.

I know. I hated people who were writing about secondary infertility because it made me jealous because they ALREADY HAD ONE. Gosh. Be grateful already.

But then Gabe happened. I became a mom and I realized even more how precious and wonderful and draining and mesmerizing motherhood and parenthood can be; I want more of it. If that makes me selfish, then yes, I am. I am selfish. I want more. And I hope that you will one day find yourself in this exact place, secretly apologizing to first-time mothers in waiting.

Round two already seems to have so many obstacles before it. Finances, needed babysitters for Gabe, the schedule juggling at work... I'm just not looking forward to it. During round one, I really only needed to focus on me. Myself. Now, I have to worry about Gabe, trying to ensure that he is taken care of while I'm in stirrups or shooting myself up with hormones. Is it fair to him to have me not-so-present in his life for a few months? Conversely, doesn't he deserve a sibling to pal around with? Maybe deserve is a poor word choice. I don't know.

I am just not feeling it right now. I don't know if I can face this again.

 This post has sounded like a pity party from the lady who has a baby already. I know that. But you have to let me vent here, or else I'll just keep it bottled up and that's bad news all around.

Almost ONE

I swore that I would never create a post that reads more like a Hallmark card than a blog post. Unfortunately, today, I don't think I get get around it:

This Saturday is Gabe's first birthday. This time last year, I was impatiently awaiting the arrival of a baby, OUR baby. So much has changed in one year! On one hand, it feels like Gabe has always been with us, so to say he's only been here for a year, seems strange. On the other hand, there are still days when I enter his nursery and can't believe he's in it.

This past year has been incredible, euphoric, exhausting, exhilarating... It's been so many things. I can't even really put it, the past 365 days, into words. All I know is that my eyes well up each time I remember the day Gabe was born, the day when I became a mom and the day that Chris and I entered parenthood.

I have soaked up every minute of Gabe this past year. I know I've actually been selfish at times and I'm not sorry; I can't describe how much I love him, need him, need to see, hear, and touch him. I have soaked up Year One and intend to continue to love him up in Year Two.

I guess this motherhood thing really is all it's cracked up to be. And more.

Sweet Gabriel David-- you will never know how much we love you and are thrilled beyond words to call you our son. I relish being able to see more and more of your personality and spirit shine through in Year Two!

Leaving

This week, I have to travel for work. I am not looking forward to it. I've literally woken up in the night in a panic just thinking about it.

I do have a great job that allows me to work from home almost year-round. Working-from-home the majority of the year does have its perks; I get to be home with Gabe and work at the same time. While that is also an obstacle a times (see Hybrid Mom post), I am certainly really fortunate to be able to work as an educational administrator from my own house.

The downside is that I do have to travel now and then. This week, I have to leave Gabe for three nights and four days. Who's counting, you ask? Me, that's who. I know the days will fly by, but the thought of not seeing my sweet boy for half a week makes me so sad and anxious.

For the past year + nine months, I've basically been with him around the clock. There is this unexplainable bond that exists between us--- I just am not ready to not be with him for multiple days at a time. I know in 18 years, he'll head to college and I'll have to be more ready to be separated from him. Who knows? Perhaps then I'll be shoving him out of the door.

But for now, I dread flying out of state and leaving him. Tonight, I put Gabe to bed and rocked him longer than normal. I'm not going to lie--- I also bawled my eyes out.

 I know he'll be fine. He will.

I wish someone would invent a Gabe-IV drip, so I could keep some of his chub, sweet smiles, and baby smell running through my veins from afar.

Everything You Do

My days as Gabe's Mom are spent cuddling, cleaning up messes, pureeing baby food, changing diapers, doing laundry, dancing to Sesame Street, saving Gabe from himself, lint-rolling dog hair, filling bottles, emptying bottles, laughing.... It's a redundant mix of the same thing on repeat, interspersed with moments when I honestly think my heart could burst from pure joy one moment and then collapse from pure exhaustion the next.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a hamster on a wheel. I'm pretty much content, but I'm just spinning around and around, day by day, doing essentially the same thing, but not really seeing sizable results of my efforts.

You might not understand this, but I love to listen to music. Around the house, when I run, when I drive in the car... I love singing along to the radio or to Pandora. Sometimes, I pretend in my own mind that I am in a real-life musical, that my life is a musical, where total ordinary moments turn into a song and dance fest. It's the six-year-old silly girl in me.

This morning, I guess I was feeling particularly lame, not particularly animated. There I was, sitting in my PJs (with Gabe snot-marks on each shoulder), hair a mess, attempting to get some work done yet trying to watch Gabe at the same time.

Type a paragraph or two... wait.. change a diaper... type another paragraph... wait Stuart don't lick the baby... type type type... Gabe don't pull the lamp over... 

Not glamourous. Not very stay-at-home-momish, not very working-momish either. I stopped and thought... Wow.  I do feel like a hamster. I realized I was doing the same thing that I did yesterday morning, and the morning before that.

Then, (like something out of a movie... or more likely, straight from the Lord) this song came on. The first few lines really caught my attention:

You're picking up toys on the living room floor for the fifteenth time today
Matching up socks
Sweeping up lost cheerios that got away

You put a baby on your hip
Color on your lips and head out the door

While I may not know you, 
I bet I know you
Wonder sometimes, does it matter at all?

And then the chorus:

Well let me remind you, it all matters just as long
(CHORUS)
As you do everything you do to the glory of the One who made you, 
Cause he made you, 
To do
Every little thing that you do 
To bring a smile to His face
Tell the story of grace
With every move that you make
And every little thing you do

My seemingly NON-GLORIOUS life as quasi-working woman yet full-time Gabe-momma can be GLORIFYING to the Lord. Even in the little things. Everything we do can be glorifying to Him when we do it in His name.

I picked up Gabe, danced around until the rest of the song ended, and then went back to my hamster wheel. Happy, content. To glorify my God in the little things I do.

Be encouraged today, friend...You don't have to pretend your life is a musical, though I do encourage you to try it now and then. If anything, take a listen and be encouraged too!

Bucky Beaver

Wondering where this post is going? :)

Well, it appears that Gabe's new front teeth are serving a purpose beyond his time in the highchair. He clearly chews on anything, and I mean anything. A few days ago, Chris entered the nursery only to meet Gabe, standing tall, chewing on his crib. White paint chips were splattered across his face. He legitimately took notches out of the crib.... I don't know if Gabe is trying to tell us he needs more fiber, or perhaps we should start letting him chew on Stuart's dog toys?

To reduce the beaver tooth action, I folded some towels and taped them around the crib rails. It looked awful and it was only a few days until Gabe had figured out how to pull/distort the towels, which made the crib, believe it or not, look even worse.

Yesterday, I broke down and bought crib rail teething-pad-thingys, as pictured below. They tie and fit all different types of cribs. They are machine washable and don't look too shabby either.

The little stinker, smiling for the camera.

It's only been 24 hours, but they are holding up well! Gabe's once angelic nursery is now switching into survival mode---- Can the nursery survive this kid?!

First Mother's Day

I used to dread Mother's Day. It was just one more day for me to feel left out of the motherhood club. Emotionally raw, I would see picturesque families stroll into church in their matching outfits, mothers staring longingly at their adorably chubby, smiling infants. On Mother's Day, children seem to multiply. They are everywhere. And they are all behaving. They smell great too. Rainbows and butterflies swarm mini-vans full of families driven by smiling, content parents. Pregnant bellies appear around every corner.... Needless to say, Mother's Day for an infertile woman is R.O.U.G.H.

So what about this year? On this, my very first Mother's Day as a momma, I felt myself torn between wanting to squeeze Gabe and soak up his sweetness every two seconds, and wanting to cry just thinking about how painful some past Mother's Days have been.

I think infertility is an experience that never really leaves you. It's like a death, kind of. It's a time period when you've been emotionally devastated month after month, year after year.... You can't just forget that. Even with a perfect baby, you don't forget it.

Tonight Gabe woke up after only twenty minutes of sleep, a rare occurrence. Usually, he goes to bed for the night, down for the count until morning.

I went upstairs, picked him up, and took a seat in the rocking chair, the same chair that I sat in last Mother's Day, with my pregnant belly. The same chair that I sat in in an empty nursery only a year ago, a room that I previously never entered because I was too emotionally unstable to do it.

As I began to hum quietly, he stopped crying and laid his head on my chest. His eyes were open and he just snuggled against me, rocking back and forth. Normally, he falls to sleep quickly. Tonight he just laid there, wanting to cuddle, humming back to me as I sang to him. It was almost like he wanted to give me a Mother's Day present, Gabe-style.

The feeling of your son, actually hugging you back, holding on to you is one that I can't quite describe, kind of like how I can't quite describe my feelings on this, my first Mother's Day.

For those couples still on the journey to parenthood, know you're not forgotten, not by me, but more importantly not by God. His plans are a mystery to us, but you know what? His plans are always better, always right.

Had we been given Gabe from the start, had we not gone through disappointment, pain and struggle, we would not fully appreciate the tremendous gift and opportunity given to us in Gabe.

So how was my Mother's Day? It was a bit of a roller coaster of emotions, but even more, it was a day when I more fully understood God's grace, and that friends, is a good day.

Things I don't want to forget

He's almost nine months old. I feel like I already forget what it was like to hold and nurse a newborn baby, and I just had one nine months ago. Seeing Gabe now (he is huge, as in, almost 28 pounds), I see some toddler on its way. Today, before the last of my baby's baby-ness leaves, I need to write down a few characteristics I never want to forget:

• He smells like new diapers, sweet milk, and Johnson and Johnson baby shampoo. That combo could melt anyone's heart for life.  (His diapers however, sometimes smell bad. Like really bad. Sometimes I dry heave. Not kidding.)

• When he wakes up from sleep, I savor opening his nursery door-- His smile when he sees me takes up his entire face. I could live on his big mouth smiles forever. Then, when I pick him up from the crib, he squeezes his chubby arms around me and cuddles into my neck. Absolute perfection.

• When he nurses before bed, he rubs his little fingers up and down my arm/back. 

• The amount of chub on his thighs and arms causes me to laugh and cry at the same time.

• I love that he loves my voice, my songs. 

• Dimples on baby hands should never become extinct. I find myself sucking on his chubby dimpled hands because I just can't help myself.

Theses are only a few things I never want to forget.... What a gift you are, sweet Gabe!