Wednesday, April 29, 2015

9 days post transfer

So I broke down and took a home pregnancy test at 5:45 AM this morning. I sat in the bathroom, holding my breath and staring at the test, wishing that second line into existence. Nothing. It was negative.

I know it's a little early still, but at this point in the two week wait with Gabe, I did get a positive test.

Leaving the bathroom, I debated whether I should even tell  Chris.... give him a few more days of authentic hope before telling him I cheated and took a test early. After five minutes of lying next to him, I just couldn't hold back the tears. I told him and we just laid there, holding hands in silence.

I know it's not a complete final verdict, but I'm just really starting to prepare myself that Monday's blood test really might be negative. I am not always a glass half full person, but I've been with this, in a sense, pushing through, head down, determined, staying optimistic for Chris.

Today though, I don't feel optimistic. I feel sad. A little angry.

Today I look at Gabe and think, I'm so lucky to have him. Simultaneously, I look at Gabe and mourn that I might not get to experience this again. How can I be content with Gabe, yet mourn that there may not be another baby/toddler experience for us?

I'm not going to take another test until the weekend, right before my blood test on Monday AM. If it ends up being positive, I'll be thrilled of course, but for now, I just need to start coming to grips with the fact that it might not be. And that we'll be okay. We will. It just doesn't feel so great right now.

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