Yesterday, Shady Grove called to tell us that none of the remaining embryos made it to the point where they could be frozen and stored for future use. We left Shady Grove on Tuesday knowing we had three in the running, hopeful that at least one would make it.
I probably seem like a weirdo, but those embryos were precious to us already, literally tiny pieces of us. While I am overjoyed that two of the embryos were transferred Tuesday, I'm saddened at the thought that the remaining three didn't make it.
I've caught myself smiling at the thought of two baby Knipes, potentially our future family, growing inside of me. And then, only a moment, later, I am saddened as I remember that they are all we have left at this point.
If I do not get pregnant this month, we will have to start from scratch next month, shots and all. This is something that I am willing to do, but it is something that I do not want to do. I am praying that I will be able to get myself mentally in the "best place" during this two week wait: Should I be 100% optimistic, believing that I am pregnant with twins? If I'm not pregnant, I'm going to be devastated. Should I be cautious, already outlining Plan B should this not work? I don't know if that' a healthy outlook either. The reality is, I will be heartbroken if I do not get pregnant, but God has not forsaken me this far. He's not going to leave me in the middle of a trial.
On Sunday, our sermon outlined a Biblical approach to handing the unknown. The speaker said, "God has never given me the ability to see what is coming down the pike. I never know what is headed my way next. But, I always know who is going to be there. God has always been at every event, good or bad, in my life. Focus on who is going to show up for you, not what is going happen."
God has so graciously and amazingly paved the way for us to be where we are right now. As I think back over the past few years and the struggles we have encountered, He has shown His power and been so gracious to us. He has shown up in the very minute we needed him (Hello! Read Tuesday's transfer day blog!).
I know I get too much into my own head. I over think. I question. God knows that. He knows me. And I am so loved by Him that He would never abandon me. That, friends, is how to walk through uncertainty---- look at what you know to be true and unfailing---- His love for us.
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.