When I started this blog a few weeks back, I promised that I would candidly discuss the IVF process and that I would really keep my heart pried open, so you could see all if it--- the good, the bad, and the ugly. Well folks, here is today's dose of reality, not masked as anything but what really happened today:
This day was such a whirlwind, and it's not even over yet! This morning I went for monitoring at Shady Grove. My bloodwork showed that my hormones are right on track but my egg count is down from where Dr. Sasson would like to see it. He counted and measured the eggs in my right and left ovaries, indicating that I had about eight to ten total. After the exam, I got dressed and he pulled me into his office. I was uneasy, not knowing what he was going to tell me, and I felt really vulnerable without Chris with me.
Dr. Sasson sat down next to me and told me that in all honesty, he was disappointed that my ovaries have not responded more this cycle. He said we still have good odds, but he said he would have expected to see fifteen to twenty total eggs today.
I stated back at him, still groggy from my three hour early morning drive.
In my head, I was thinking: Seriously. You do not know who you are talking to.
No amount of my Type A, overachiever, OCD mindset could miraculously produce the results Dr. Sasson wanted. I felt totally inadequate. I know he didn't mean to make me feel that way, but let's call a spade a spade here--- I'm a hormonal mess. Inadequacy+fatigue+hormones= a bad day.
"So where do we go from here?" I asked.
Dr. Sasson advised that we ramp up my meds, starting tonight. My Follistim will stay at 225 iu. The Menipur will be tripled. I will also start taking Gonirelix.
All of the shots should encourage maturation of the eggs I do have. Dr. Sasson did end on an encouraging note, saying that I am young, and that I might not need to start out with twenty eggs prior to fertilization. Because my eggs are young (28 years old!), my odds for fertilization are better than someone older.
Dr. Sasson gave me a hug and said, "I told you at the beginning that we learn something from every cycle. We learned that your right ovary just isn't liking the meds as much, and we learned that we need to up your dosages earlier."
And then the doubt crept in: Was he really insinuating that we would learn from this month's cycle when we start again next month? Was that the underlying message? Is he trying to prep me for disappointment? Rachel, you are so dumb to have allowed yourself to get so excited over something that might not even work...
On the ride home, I started blaring Christmas music (I know it's November 2nd). I wanted to feel happy; Christmas music usually does the trick.
At around mile marker number 31, I pulled the car over, and began sobbing---the gross, mucus inducing, red eye making, stomach heaving sobs. Then came the stream-of-consciousness ranting:
Why is this happening? I thought this was going to finally mean things would go my way. I hate people who can just have sex with their husbands and get pregnant during month one. Stupid **** people. Stupid. God, what are You doing? I'm so tired... Help me...
I am glad that everyone on the PA Turnpike drives between 70 and 80 miles per hour. If they were going any slower, they could have looked over at me on the side of the road and seen the jumbled mess I was today.
I made it home and got a call from Dr. Sasson's nurse, checking in. She went over my new medication protocol and then asked me to check to make sure that I had enough medication to get through to Wednesday. Because we are tripling my dosage I will not have enough. I called the specialty pharmacy who had delivered the meds to my door last week. They are based in New Jersey. Due to Hurricane Sandy, they are wiped out. I did get another number and left a message there; I am waiting for a call back as I type.
It's like God is asking, "Do you trust me yet, Rachel?"
I told you this would be a candid post. I am not a solid rock today.
I am going downstairs now, pjs already on at 4:00 PM... Tomorrow is a new day. I do know His mercies are new every morning. I can't wait for dawn.